There is plenty of research that shows how important connection is to any relationship. The first important relationship we have is with our parents. This is the foundational relationship that will dictate other relationships. So as parents we want it to be a healthy experience for our children.

In that first relationship we learnt as children how to navigate the world around us. We looked to our parents to decide what was safe and secure for us. That relationship was where we built our self-confidence and learnt to make those first responsible decisions.

We want to pass this on to our own children. If we didn’t have a healthy experience with our parents then we want to ensure our child does have a healthy positive relationship with us.

But let’s face it children don’t come with a manual. Plus parenting is one of the toughest jobs we will ever have to do. A way to build, and keep a strong bond, with our children is what we want. Plus being able to help them to have a secure and loving base is at the heart of what we do.

A way to do this is to use daily habits that build connections with them. So let’s explore some ways in which to build those connections.

1 Establish Healthy Boundaries, House Rules And Consequences. 

Building connections with our children really needs a good base. That is where having healthy boundaries, house rules and consequences comes in. This can be easier to set up when they are young. But it is never too late.

With house rules make sure you and your partner are singing off the one hymn sheet here. Children will always know if one of you is the easier parent. If you want them to have healthy boundaries then you both have to model this for them also.

Getting the cooperation of older children and teens is a good idea when establishing house rules. Getting children and teens involved gives them a sense of ownership in the outcome. Plus they will feel respected in making these decisions. You’ll be surprised they may come up with harsher consequences than you do.

For a more detailed outline on how to set up house rules and consequences you might find my four part series on teens useful. You can link to these blogs, videos and podcast here.

2 Surround Your Child With Affection.

As humans we need affection at every stage of our lives. Hugs are a vital part of our daily interactions with one another. Make sure your child gets enough hugs everyday especially the boys.

It is well known that men don’t receive enough hugs. As women we tend to be touchier and are more likely to talk things through. It’s important that as mums we don’t differentiate between boys and girls when it comes to talking things out and affection. Hugs are vital as they help build up levels of oxytocin in the body. This helps with our mental health and building connections also.

Children just want us to love them unconditionally. They need that reassurance daily. Affection can help build that reassurance. Hugs are only one way you can do this. Others ways include telling them you love them, eye contact, smiles, snuggles, pats on the back, etc.

3 Get To Know Their Interests, Hobbies And Make Time For Fun.

Make time for some fun activities, watching movies together, or playing with them. Fill the house and your interactions with them with laughter. Even when they laugh at you while you dance or sing doing household chores will help build those connections. This will allow them to relax and give you an opportunity to talk also.

Play is so important for child development. At a young age it’s a great educational tool and helps them express their emotions and build language skills. Later on getting to know their interests and hobbies will help to develop your connection to them further. Even if you have no interest in what they like or do, get involved and learn what you can about their hobbies and interests.

If you do share an interest then use it to build your connection with your child. It doesn’t have to be limited to hobbies. TV shows, cooking, music, can all help create better connections and fond memories for the future.

4 Get To Know Their Friends.

It’s a good idea to know who their friends are, get to know them and their parents. So have gaming nights, sleepovers, etc., in your home. But also ask they clean up after themselves and show your home respect. This way you get to know their friends.

Showing an interest in their friends shows them you respect their choices and builds your connection to your child further. Talk to them about their friends, show interest and they are more likely to tell you what is happening outside the home.

Always make sure you have the contact details of their friend’s parents. Never be afraid to pick up that phone and call another parent either. Especially when they say so and so is getting something you feel is outrageous. Do check if they are really getting it. Or if they are going to visit someone else’s home, or someplace else, you want to know they are safe.

5 Make Your Conversations Technology Free Zones.

Not all our conversations or interactions will accommodate a technology free zone. But we could try a little bit more if we are honest. Most of the time we are glued to some device or other and not connecting as well as we could be. We don’t really seem to be present for one another. If you want to build better connection with your child then ditch the technology more.

It’s a habit we need to change and it doesn’t have to be hard or for very long either. Try to fit it into something you already do as a family together. You could try to have at least family dinners a technology and TV free zone. Encourage everyone to speak about their day and listen to others as they speak. You can also turn off the radio in the car and let them talk. Or just listen as they talk with friends or siblings.

The lack of eye contact does help teens in particular to open up a bit more. So take that into account when you want to talk to them. Never sit face to face but rather side by side or at an angle.

6 Try To Spend Some One To One Time With Your Child.

Not always possible in such a busy world. But it’s so important for them to have this time with you. This allows them time to open up about their concerns, problems and worries. It also builds their communication abilities and connection to you.

You could try some of the following: Have a chat over some tea, during a shared interest, on the walk home from school, reading a bedtime story or doing a household chore together. These may be easy ways to fit some one to one time into you daily routine.

7 Make Sure To Listen, Empathize And Understand The Emotional Outbursts.

Make sure when you are angry, stressed or have any other emotions that need expressing that you express it appropriately. Talk to your child about how you cope with all your feelings and what you do to release them. If they get upset show them how to communicate with you.

Remaining calm and have patience is vital at times especially when it comes to dealing with children. Sometimes we have to deal with the children when we are angry, stressed or upset. So you modeling healthy coping mechanisms and behaviours are vital for them.

Remember connection begins with listening to the other person and that includes children. Be a good listener and show empathy when they express themselves. Remember children and teens are not able to express themselves in the same way you are. Their brains are not developed fully yet. So they have difficulty expressing themselves appropriately. Give them your time, love and patience here.

Try to see things from their perspective, take a break if you both need it to calm down and then start the conversation again. Always acknowledge their feelings and show them you understand. Make sure you keep those lines of communication open even when you only get grunts or slammed doors. Reassure them you love them and are there for them no matter what.

Remember you’re doing the hardest job on the planet but you’re doing a great job.

Your child’s job is to become an independent adult eventually. So they will push your rules. Keep your sense of humour throughout this and don’t get too stressed by it all. They and you will survive. At the end of the day all they want is your love, time and approval. So make sure they know they have them no matter what.

Reach Out For Support.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advice you make sure you create a positive support system before you start to make any changes in your life. One part of that positive support system is working a therapist. Please reach out to a local therapist if you need to.

My Workbooks

I offer a variety of tips and discuss a range of topics in my workbooks The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, Moving Towards Self-forgiveness, The Little Book Of Reflection And Gratitude and Building Acceptance Into Your Life. You can purchase them on Amazon or here.