What Is Self-confidence?

Self-confidence is simply a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement. Most adults can have a hard time with feeling this way about themselves, and will struggle to pass it on to their children.

Self-confidence doesn’t mean you act in an arrogant manner or feel superior to others. In fact, people who feel self-confident accept and value themselves and others as they are. They are proud of their achievements, they can make mistakes and have the courage to try again. These people know they are worthy of respect and friendship, and they understand their own strengths and weaknesses.

Children And Self-Confidence 

Children who have good self-confidence will feel and also act in the same way as a self-confident adult. On the other hand, children with low self-confidence will allow others to treat them poorly. These children give up more easily and will feel unsure about their abilities. As a result they simply may not even try something.

Parenting is all about helping our child become self-confident, independent, resilient adults. It is of course our job to protect them too. But as they grow we need to provide opportunities to develop, learn and grown healthy skills they can take with them into adulthood. So what will low and high self-confidence in children look like?

Low Versus High Self-confidence In Children

Children with low self-confidence will:

1. Be self-critical and hard on themselves
2. Feel they’re not as good as other kids
3. Think of the times they fail rather than when they succeed
4. Lack self-esteem and resilience
5. Doubt they can do things well and use negative self-talk

On the other hand children with high self-confidence will:

1. Feel liked and accepted
2. Feel confident, have good self-esteem and resilience
3. Are proud of what they can do
4. Think good things about themselves and use positive self-talk
5. Believe in themselves

How Self-Confidence Develops In Children?

We know that self-confidence starts in infancy and develops slowly over time. This happens because a child feels safe, loved and accepted. It develops when a child gains their parents positive attention, care, hears positive self-talk, see good self-care modeled by the parent.

These children hear praise and know their parents are proud of them. They will receive positive discipline and are allowed to make mistakes. The child is also encouraged to try hobbies and new things, interests and help at home. When they build their self-confidence they will feel capable and grown into independent adults.

How You Can Help Your Child Build Their Self-Confidence?

Every child is different. With self-confidence coming to some children more easily than others. Some children may face difficult situations that knock their self-confidence. But even when a child’s self-confidence is low it can be raised.

Here are some tips to get started.

1 Make sure they know you love them unconditionally.

This includes setting realistic expectations for your child. Accepting your child as they are and giving them your undivided attention.

1. Letting your child know you love them unconditionally is the most important thing you can ever do. No matter what happens and no matter what the mistake. They need to know you are there for them and will love them. This helps them build their self acceptance and love and is a strong foundation in their self-confidence.
2. Offer praise frequently making sure it is specific and not just given for reaching high achievements. And don’t forget indirect praise by letting friends, family and teacher know how proud you are of your child. They will hear about this and it will boost their self-esteem as a result.
3. Make time for your child, so you can give them your undivided attention. Family life can be so busy but your child will benefit from each amount of time you spend with them. When children feel their parents notice them it will develop self-belief and is a strong foundational aspect of self-confidence. You can build this into family routines, such as: stories before bed, attending games, showing interests in hobbies or interests. Look at your family routines and see when you can give some extra attention. Even for a few minutes.
4. Accept your child for who they are. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We are not perfect and no one else is either. We will make mistakes and so will our children. But we still love them, so let them know this. It is important that our children do not come to believe they are only acceptable to us when they behave in certain ways or achieve certain goals. This is one sure way to erode their self-confidence.

2 Help them set realistic goals.

Make sure they know how to set realistic goals. It is also important to also help them to identify their strengths and weaknesses.

1. Teach your child how to set and work towards a realistic goal, and to have pride in their accomplishments. If a goal is too big, discuss it with them. Show them how you break bigger goals into smaller more realistic chunks that can be achieved in a shorter period.
2. Provide them with opportunities to succeed. So encourage them to discover and develop their talents, unique qualities, and value their strengths and weaknesses equally. To face challenges and take risks appropriate to their age. Remember to teach them that feeling special doesn’t equally being superior or better than anyone else though. Positive feedback and praise will help here. But always praise the effort even if they fail. As they need to know that we don’t need to be perfect or good at everything we try. Encourage them to try again, to do their best and remind them that practice is needed at times to get and achieve success.
3. Helping your child to identify their strengths and weaknesses will help them to place the focus on what they can do more than what they can not. Is also helps them to stop comparing themselves to their peers. This helps them to feel capable and to feel pride in their achievements and to try new things.

3 Allow your child to make mistakes and take risks.

1. We are human and that means we make mistakes. What distinguishes a self-confident child from another one is that they are capable of learning from their mistakes and are willing to try again after they make mistakes. We can choose the road of punishing them for those mistakes. Or another path that is far better. That of allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices. Then encouraging them to have another go with the new knowledge they now have. Thus build their self-confidence and resilience along the way.
2. Yes as a parent we want to protect our child, but we need to learn to step back too. We can of course take into account our child’s age and all the risks involved. But we need to encourage them to start solving problems, take responsibilities for the consequences and to make age appropriate choices. This will empower them and lead to greater self-confidence.
3. We need to supervise from the sidelines and set up situations that will encourage them to try new things without fearing failure. Demonstrating the basic skills they need in the home for them and then allowing them to try them for themselves is one such starting point. Encourage exploration with trips, the park, new foods, hobbies will all expand your child’s views, experiences and build their self-confidence in handling new situations and people.

In otherwords treat mistakes as learning opportunities. Making mistakes is part of what makes us human. Almost all of the really significant advancements in science, technology, and medicine are based on experiments involving trial and error.

4 Get their help around the home.

1. We need opportunities to learn new skills and to feel our contributions are valuable and needed. Children are no different. Children need to learn how to look after themselves too. We are being disrespectful and showing them very bad habits if we are the only ones allowed to take care of the home. We have to let children have a go at being responsible. Yes they will mess up but they will learn with your guidance too.
2. Provide them with small jobs so they can get an opportunity to learn new skills and feel valued for their contributions. Chores can start from about 2, but you can judge best for your child, and should increase in difficulty as they grow. Some household chores that they could try:

• Setting the table.
• Tidying up their toys and rooms.
• Dusting, sweeping and hovering.
• Doing the dishes, loading and emptying the dishwasher.
• Sorting or folding laundry, putting away their own clothes.
• Washing the car.
• Gardening or other D.I.Y. projects as they get older.

     3. Consider incorporating your child’s interests and strengths into the chores. So if they are good at organizing then allow them to use this skill in the home with their chores. They will feel pride and a sense of accomplishment when they receive your thanks and praise for completing the job. It also shows them what it takes to look after a home and learn that sometimes we have to put work before play.

5 Encourage them to pursue their hobbies and interests.

This also includes taking some downtime and playtime. Encourage them to take on tasks they show an interest in. These can include physical activities, passions, and taking some time downtime, plus having fun with others.

1. Physical activities not only help them with their physical and mental health, but can help them learn to achieve goals, accept their strengths and weaknesses, handle defeat, expand their circle of friends and learn how to be part of a team. All the while they are building their self-confidence.
2. Passions, particularly in teens, allows them to explore what they could excel at and to discover new things and people. Praise their efforts and achievements. But make sure they know they have to balance their passions with their responsibilities too.
3. Taking some time out is great and a vital component of life for everyone. Show your child how to meditate, read or listen to music, and entertain themselves. Let them know it’s okay to take some time out by modelling this behaviour yourself in a healthy manner.
4. Playtime with family, and friends, is one of the best investments you can make with, and for, your child. The hours they, and you, spend playing will show them how much you value them. Make sure you give them your undivided attention during this time. Show them how to use their imagination and take your time to listen to what they are saying.

6 Model self-care, positive self-talk and expression of feelings.

As a parent you must love yourself before you can teach your child to love themselves. But also remember if you are willing to learn to love and accept yourself, then children can learn along with you. Remember children watch us, probably more than we realize and they hear everything. It is our actions that give them the strongest guide for their own behaviour. You can model this behaviour in a variety of ways including:

1. Having a self care routine including having good health habits.
2. Set reasonable expectations for ourselves, and demonstrate that we don’t need to buy into the media’s and social media’s ideas of “perfect”.
3. Reward and praise yourself by using positive self-talk, and celebrate your successes no matter how small.
4. Talk to your child about your talents, strengths and weaknesses. Remind them how many great skills they also have.
5. Getting therapy or asking for help if you need it. It’s okay to show weakness to your child and let them know it’s okay to ask for help.
6. Model saying no. We have to show them that’s it’s okay to say no when we need to and that we shouldn’t say yes just because we want to please someone or don’t want to offend them.
7. Demonstrate how to recognize and understand your feelings will help children to do them same. It can be very frustrating at times to be a child and this can trigger multiple feelings that children don’t understand how to handle. Showing them that you are empathic and sympathetic towards them doesn’t mean you are not being firm. It shows them their feelings matter to us and should do to others as well. They need to know that we do understand and care about them, even when we have to go against their desires.

7 Get them to help set house rules and be consistent in discipline.

Children will naturally feel more confident when they know who is in charge and what to expect if they break the house rules. It is important that they know you are their parent not their best friend. Even a teen who feels you are being too stick will respect you, feel confident in you when you set rules and consistently enforce them.

Consistency is the key word here. Of course each home has it’s own rules that reflect your values and beliefs, learning these will give your child a sense of security and improve their confidence. But you can make sure to let them know that your house rules apply to them outside of the home too. You expect them to respect themselves, others and property at home, in school and in friends homes. You are also giving them a way to say no to peer pressure.

House rules will depend on the age of the child but as they get older you can get them more involved. You will be surprised at how good they are at setting consequences for violations of house rules.

8 Teach resilience.

We all suffer setbacks, failures and criticism in life. We can use these as learning experiences instead of seeing them as personal failures. Modelling this and teaching our children it is important to not give up and try again. It is important to validate their feelings and allow them to express these. Phrases such as “don’t feel so bad” “just cheer up” isn’t helpful.

Allowing them to express their feelings, listening to them and teaching them that setbacks and failures are part of life. Talk to them about how they can learn from their experience or brainstorm what steps they can do next to correct their mistakes and succeed next time. This helps them to learn to trust their feelings and feel comfortable sharing them.

9 Coach good relationship and communications skills.

1. Having confidence in how to build good relationships is a key skill for anyone. Your child’s first and most important relationship is going to be with you as their parent. This initial relationship will set them up for how they build other relationships throughout their lives. As they grow their social circle will expand and although you can’t fix every situation that might arise you can teach them compassion, kindness, respect, assertiveness. How you demonstrate how you handle your own relationships will be a key influence on their ability too. This will also help them be more confident in how to handle the ups and downs of all types of relationships.
2. Good communications skills will also be key to your relationship with your child. But also in any relationship they have in the future. Demonstrating and modelling communication with respect is a must. If we demonstrate our responses to our children through criticism, dismissal or disappointment of them as individuals we are setting them up for negative thoughts. Plus giving them negative messages about themselves and possible failure in later life. We always want to build our child’s self respect, self-confidence in every way we can and communication, including body and facial language, will be a big part of this. Think about how you talk about yourself also. Ban criticism of yourself and any negative messages around your body. They will pick this up very quickly, even as small toddlers. Instead we need to use more positive self-talk around them and about them. If you need to correct them use patience and focus on or show them what you want them to do next time.

      Some tips to help you when you are communicating with your child:

1. Make eye contact so it’s clear that you’re really listening to what they’re saying.
2. If your child needs to talk, stop and listen to what they have to say. They need to know that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter.
3. Help them get comfortable with their emotions by accepting them without judgement. By doing so, you validate those feelings and show that you value what they have to say.
4. Share your own feelings to help them gain confidence in expressing their own. But don’t overburden they are not your therapist. 
5. Demonstrate using “I” statements.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.