Most people still find it difficult to talk about domestic violence. But we have to in order to help, educate and raise the discussion about it in order to end domestic violence forever.

Domestic violence never just affects one person. It also impacts the children of the relationship, their family or friends.

So what is domestic violence?

Most people think of domestic violence as being of a physical nature and involving a low income home with an alcoholic wife-beating husband. But this could be the furthest of the truth.

I’m not writing off this type of violence but like addictions domestic violence doesn’t care what boundaries it crosses. For example how much money you have or what kind of education you have, your sexual orientation and can affect men and women. It crosses all boundaries and includes physical, financial, emotional and sexual abuse.

You don’t have to be in a long-term relationship either as we see abuse coming through in stalking or dating too. So educating our sons and daughters of the warning signs (listed below) is important. (Please note this is the first of a two part series)

What is Domestic Violence (DV)

Domestic violence is classified as where one person uses abuse to control and asserts power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It involves any, or all, of the following: physical, emotional, sexual or financial abuse.

Unfortunately, under the law stalking and dating are not taken into account as DV.  But that doesn’t mean that DV doesn’t happen there too. (That may be different where you live so do check out your local legislation.)

What is physical abuse?

Physical abuse is perhaps the most recognisable form of abuse and can result in physical injury. In some cases, it can be life-threatening and doesn’t always leave visible marks or scars. Never underestimate what is happening to you as over time it often gets worse.

It includes, but this is not an inclusive list:

1. pushing, punching, slapping, bitting, hair pulled or head banged off walls or car dashboards.
2. being beaten with objects or stabbed.
3. being gagged to stop the screams, raped, spat and urinated on.
4. being beaten and raped while pregnant, being thrown down the stairs while pregnant.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse, it is a means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. Outside of the relationship, it can be often unseen or intangible and often involves threats of/and actual physical, financial or sexual abuse.

Again this list is not inclusive but it includes:

1. being put down, constant criticism, or spoken to in a derogatory manner, controlling and monitoring your use of technology, plus using technology to control and abuse you and being constantly followed even within own home.
2. threats to kill you, the children, family members or themselves.
3. property being destroyed or taken away.
4. being trapped as they take car keys, empties the petrol from cars, and steals or smashes phones so you cannot seek assistance.

What is sexual abuse?

As there is an imbalance of power in the relationship sexual abuse is often high.

This can include, but not inclusive of:

1. repeatedly being raped and beaten;
2. being told that it is their duty to have sex.
3. raped in front of the children or when particularly physically vulnerable, e.g., directly following childbirth.
4. Sexual degradation e.g. enforced use of graphic and hardcore pornography.

What is financial abuse?

The control of all money and/or assets. Again it is used as a tactic to gain power/dominance and is used to isolate a victim.

It can include, again not an exclusive list:

1. controlling all finances, not allowed to have independent income or bank account, emptying all joint bank accounts.
2. must provide all receipts for purchases, not allowed to buy personal items.
3. non-payment or erratic payment of child maintenance.
4. women’s signatures being forged on cheques or other banking documents (this is getting harder as banks want you present but you may be forced to sign in front of others).
5. withholding money because you do not want to have sex, or denying money for food for you and the children and/or money to pay household bills.
6. using the recession to justify the abuse.

What are the warning signs of domestic violence?

Every couple has arguments and disagreements them from time to time. But when you begin to feel afraid or see a consistent pattern forming then this could be a sign of domestic violence.

Anyone of the following may be enough to indicate DV:

1. You are afraid of your partner.
2. Constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ because of their mood swings, or spending time working our their mood.
3. Your focus is always on their needs.
4. They lose their temper easily and over minor things.
5. The person has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
6. They have been abusive in a previous relationship.
7. The person has criticised your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
8. They call you names and threaten you and/or your children.
9. The individual is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
10. They regularly criticise or undermine you in front of other people. This doesn’t have to be in front of others, can be done in private too.
11. Your needs are not considered important or are ignored.
12. They make the decisions in the relationship.
13. You find it hard to get time on your own and if you do they will demand to know what you did and with whom.
14. They control access to the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
15. You have been forced to do something that you really did not want to do.
16. They have threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
17. You have been forced to have sex with them or other people.
18. They try to control aspects of your life. Such as whether you work, and where. Who you see and when. What you can spend. What you can wear. What you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
19. You were made to participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
20. They demand to know the passwords to your email account and social networking pages.
21. The person has threatened to kill you, your family members, the children or themselves, if you leave them.

The list above is not fully inclusive but gives you the idea that DV can involve more than physical abuse.

Are you in immediate danger?

Over 18.

• If you can, get out of the situation now.
• Ring your local Garda Station or if it is an emergency, call 999/112.
• You can ring the Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900. The Helpline is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or for Men you can contact Men’s Aid on Helpline 01 554 3811
• Contact your local refuge and support service.
• Call someone you trust and ask them to help you.

If you are under 18.

• Ring your local Garda Station or if it is an emergency, call 999/112.
• Call Childline on 1800 66 66 66 and they will be able to tell you where you can get help near where you live. Childline is open 24 hours a day.
• You can also call someone you trust and ask them to help you. But please remember your safety first.

Digital Abuse and Safety

Digital abuse includes online and technology abuse, online shaming and stalking and the non-consensual sharing of explicit images (‘revenge porn’).

It can involve the following:

1.  Being harassed and monitored online, through mobile phones and texting.
2. Can be combined with  offline stalking tactics such as following, damaging property and abusive calls
3. You can have personal details shared or lies spread about you and be impersonated by your abuser online.
4. Having sexually explicit images and videos that were taken with consent posted online without consent (‘revenge porn’).
5. Being advertised on escort sites without their consent or knowledge.
6. Being spied on using specific spyware to monitor you, find out your online and bank account passwords and keep track of your whereabouts.

Please check out:

How to delete cookies and browser history here plus learn about spyware etc.

This is a two-part series, next week we talk about how to leave an abusive relationship and how you can help a friend in an abusive relationship.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.