Why Would I Connect Being Honest With Personal Finances?

Well being honest with ourselves about our finances can in many ways help us learn a lot about ourselves.  It can also show our ability to be honest about ourselves, with ourselves and with our significant other.

In everything we do we have to be honest with at least one person and that is ourselves. If we can’t be honest with ourselves then it is impossible to be honest with anyone else. If we lie to ourselves about the chaos in our lives then we are not being true to ourselves.

One area where a lot of pressure comes into our lives is through our finances. I’m not going to make you rich if you read this but you just might get some much-needed stress relief by trying some of my suggestions. It may help you to at least start to get honest with yourself about what’s going on in your life.

There are many ways you could tackle this. But I firmly believe in a little self-examination and education to begin with. If you’re always running even a little bit behind with money then it’s time to get real. If you don’t then it will only add to your stress. Or if in a relationship and one of you isn’t involved in how to pay the household bills, then it’s time to take some steps to get honest with at least yourself about your finances.

Why Does An Individual, Or Couple, Run Into Money Problems?

7 out of 10 couples end up fighting about finances. It’s one of the top reasons they end up in counselling or relationships end. It usually involves a breakdown in communication. Issues that stem from our childhood experiences can have an influenced on how we handle money as adults also.

Some examples of what can happen may involve only one person in the relationship taking care of the monthly household budget. Or they could hide the real problem from the other partner. Or one partner spending what the other considers too much because of their childhood fears around money.

Financial difficulties, either as a couple, or if you’re single, will of course cause major stress if it’s not tackled promptly.

Other reasons for financial issues include:

1. Lack of personal and relationship boundaries.
2. Lack of understanding about how you view money. This includes childhood scripts or beliefs about money such as: Rich people are greedy. Money is the root of all evil. There is never enough. Etc. You get the idea. These are money blocks or negative messages you received as a child that can create problems but like all negative messages. They can be resolved with some positive affirmations.
3. The type of lifestyle you want or desire. Are you living beyond your current means to keep up with friends? Or is this a conflict with your partner? They may want to spend now or save for the future and you don’t?
4. No financial planning. Whether this is not keeping a monthly budget or planning for retirement. Or if you are a couple only one partner taking charge of the finances.
5. Financial unfaithfulness in a relationship. This could include one partner opening a secret bank account, stashes money or spends extra money on themselves. This can be as destructive as an affair to a relationship.
6. Letting the kid’s dictate how the money is spent. Buying your kids material items to keep them happy. This is often related to how you were raised around money. Whether you were spoilt as a child or you had too little.
7. The issue isn’t about money at all. This relates to your self-esteem/confidence/self-love issues and has nothing to do with money at all.

There is one other area I’d like to highlight and that’s financial abuse. Whether it’s from a relationship, or elder abuse by a child, it’s important to understand how this works and what the warning signs are.

Financial Abuse Warning Signs

It can be difficult to recognise the warning signs and it can take courage to seek help. But at times we don’t see these signs ourselves. So it might be a friend or family member who can help you see what’s going on.

1. Someone else controls your access to bank accounts or other household money.
2. Another person refuses to contribute financially to you or the family. Or they don’t provide enough money to cover living expenses.
3. You are being denied access to the internet, phone or transport. Which prevents you from working or studying.
4. Someone is taking out loans or running up debts in your name. Or pressuring you to sign up for a loan.
5. You have to account for how you spend your money.
6. Someone is selling your property (or threatening to sell it) without your permission.
7. Money is being hidden from you.
8. You are being made to feel like you are incompetent with money.
9. You are not giving the change from your shopping when you ask your relative or friend/home-help to shop for you. (elder)
10. Your pension is taken from you (in part or whole). (elder)

Please reach out for help.

Financial abuse may be part of an overall domestic violence situation and is often accompanied by anger, verbal abuse, or the threat of violence. It may also cause social isolation, depression and anxiety.

If you recognise this type of behaviour please reach out for help. But be mindful of your personal safety I have listed some tips to help here.  You can contact Women’s Aid on 1800 341 900 Men’s Aid Ireland (abuse against men) 01 554 3811 Elder Abuse & how to report & protect yourself or a loved one.

So What Will Help You To Get Financial Honesty?

1. If you’re in a relationship improving your communication is a vital first step here. I talk about this here.
2. Make sure you set healthy boundaries and have a good self-care and stress reducing routine.
3. Get honest with at least yourself. Acknowledge you have a problem, you have fears, guilt and perhaps shame about your situation.
4. If a couple, do not discuss your money issues while angry.
5. Leave blame at the door. It’s not going to help resolve the problem. If you can’t, then seek counselling.
6. Get professional help if you need it. That includes financial advice/help (see below) and counselling to resolve your issues around money.
7. Get to know yourself (and your partner). What are your scripts (beliefs) about money? Are these beliefs true? How did your parents handle money? How do you like to spend money? Remember this is about being honest if you need to blow some money then you need to acknowledge this and strategize how you can do this without putting yourself into unnecessary debt to do it. All scripts we have can be changed I talk about this here.

8. Create a financial plan. If you don’t know how there are many people who teach about this on YouTube. One way of doing this is:

1. Get everything out on the table – all bills, credit card statements, bank statements, receipts, etc. Everything and I mean everything.
2. If you do not have a partner to do this with someone you trust to help you. No not that nice friend who will back you with every backslide you take. But someone who will hold you accountable enough to keep you from backsliding in this.
3. I know you can use something like excel for this exercise so do it that way if you like. If not just use a piece of paper.
4. Make a list of all your debts starting with the largest. Make a note of each monthly payment you have to make to these. Rent/mortgage, electricity, heat, car/travel expenses for work, insurances (this isn’t everything but you get the idea).
5. Make a note of your monthly income we are going to do this budget on a monthly basis.
6. Then take a look at where else your money is going – groceries, daily lunch out, dinners out, cups of coffee on the way to the office, paper etc. Everything I mean everything! It all has to be written down.
7. Now see where your income is being spent. Can anything be cut back on? If you want to reduce your stress levels and get out of debt you need to get honest here. You can do one of two things you can either cut your bills to only essentials or get a second job? A second job may not be possible for you or your partner. But you could look into side hustles. What I mean by essentials are: mortgage/rent; food; travel to and from work only; electricity and heating; car expenses; childcare for work-time only; household, life and health insurances; taxes. Everything else is a bonus and an extra. I can hear you say are you mad? Maybe, but it’s only for a short time until you get out of debt or curb your spending habits.

This is very important.

If you are getting constant final demands or your home is at risk of getting repossessed then you can seek help from MABS (Ireland). Or look into a related organisation wherever part of the world you live.

You will need to bring all letters from creditors, bank statements, payslips etc., to them. But they are very helpful and will deal with your creditors directly for you. This will take a great deal of stress off you immediately as you have now started to get honest with yourself and face reality.

Work With Me.

If you are stressed it can be helpful to seek treatment from a therapist. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for you to talk about what has happen.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.