What is traumatic grief?

Childhood Traumatic Grief is a condition in which children develop significant trauma symptoms (PTSD) related to the death of a family member i.e parent or sibling or another important person i.e grandparent, another relative, friend or peer. The trauma symptoms interfere with the child’s ability to go through the stages of grief.

Effective interventions are needed to resolve children’s trauma symptoms. It should be noted that anyone, of any age, can get traumatic grief, so if you recognise the symptoms please seek professional help.

We should remember that each teen and child grieves in unique ways. But some teens or children can get stuck and have difficulty in understanding or expressing what is happening to them. In traumatic grief the teen developes PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) symptoms and gets caught up in re-experiencing the death so they can not go through the normal grieving process.

How Teens Might Express These Symptoms.

Here are ways to recognize and help your teen with traumatic grief. Being non-judgmental, open to compromise and considering your teen’s point of view is important. Remember your child or teen will also need professional counselling at this stage.

Symptoms of Truamtc Grief can include:

1. The teen feels sad, scared, empty, or numb but are embarrassed to show their true feelings. But they may also post and say too much on social media.
2. They may exhibit new, or a worsening of, behaviour problems than before the trauma e.g. angry outbursts, irritability, rule-breaking, revenge-seeking.
3. The teen may have serious, unsafe, or harmful behaviours e.g. self-injury, risky sexual behaviour, drug or alcohol use.
4. They may have trouble concentrating and paying attention. So grades may slip and calls from the school may ensue.
5. A change in sleep patterns, e.g staying up later or sleeping all day. Change is the key word here, you know your child’s routine in regard to sleep.
6. They could have physical reactions e.g. jumpiness, stomach aches, headaches, a pounding heart, or body aches. These may be worse after being around people, places, sounds, smells, sights, situations or other things that remind them of the trauma or the person who died. Remember we are talking about PTSD symptoms added to normal grief.
7. The teen may express themselves by saying things like “life is meaningless”,  or say they feel guilty for being okay. Or  they may withdraw from family and friends, yet you notice them on social media or gaming.
8. They may appear anxious or worried especially about something happening to you, other significant people in their lives and themselves. The teen may get very upset if you leave the house without telling them, almost reverting back to toddler stage with this behaviour. They can go the other way too and seem not to care about anything e.g. not studying, skipping school, or risk-taking behaviour.
9. The teen can also talk about feeling responsible for the death. Guilt and shame may also be experienced, particularly if the death was a suicide.
10. They may not want to talk about the person who died, even if you think it’s a good idea. They might change the topic or shrug off the conversation. The teen may feel uncomfortable talking to you and that’s’ okay. But they need to talk to a professional.
11. They may also refuse to go places or do things that remind them of the person who died, or of how their life has changed since the person died.

If any of these problems get in the way of your teen’s functioning at school or home, or continue for more than 1-2 months, get help from a child psychologist who has experience treating trauma or traumatic grief. But also remember to trust your gut as a parent and always seek help sooner rather than later with a teen or child. 

Please remember being non-judgmental, open to compromise and considering your teen’s point of view is important.

How You Can Help Your Teen.

1. Find them a counsellor/child psychologist who deals with teens and understands traumatic grief. Get a recommendation if you can. Just know that they need your presence more than ever even if they can’t talk to you.
2. Talk about your own feelings, but remember this isn’t about you in this conversation. Invite them to talk about their feelings but don’t push them to do so. They will share when they are ready. Teens might feel unable to talk to you because they fear it might upset you. Reassure them it won’t and that you are happy to talk to them at anytime. Do talk about sharing things on social media if you feel this is a problem. (see below also)
3. Have patience and try to remain calm while setting appropriate limits on behaviours.
4. Encourage them to get back to routines and activities with friends. But for serious, risky, or harmful behaviours, this needs professional help.
5. Do realize that they may be having physical reactions and scary thoughts about the trauma and not telling you. Talk with them about how you cope with these thoughts and reduce your stress levels i.e. getting back to enjoyable activities, exercises for releasing tension in the body, listening to calming music, meditation, taking a technology break at night to help with sleep, etc.
6. Discuss social media. Remember to remind them that social media can be helpful but seeing their friends in person will help them feel better.
7. Check with other adults they have contact with. Have they confided in them? If so, find ways you can both work together to support your teen. Never wait if a teen is very sad or guilty, always seek professional help sooner rather than later.
8. Help them develop a realistic picture of the dangers in life. Talk about ways for them to take control of their safety and future e.g. driving carefully, eating well and exercising, asking others for help. Give them honest, accurate, and age-appropriate information. Teens get information from everywhere, on all kinds of subjects including off the internet and media, some of this won’t be true and they know it. So let them know you will always tell them the truth. Reassure them that they are doing their best at this stage.
9. It’s okay to keep pictures of the person who died around. It’s okay to reminisce and tell  stories about the person. Perhaps in time you can make a memory book together.

Treatment

Treatment for Traumatic grief in children or teens is usually by a child psychologist. They will use a trauma-focused CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) treatment. If your child has developed other conditions such as depression, anxiety, drugs or alcohol addiction or eating disorders these will also be treated.

The treatment program should be tailored to your child’s needs and involve you. Just like adults children may not feel comfortable with a therapist. So it can take time to find the right fit. The therapist understands this and will recommend another child psychologist if required.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.