Siblings spend more time together than they do with anyone else during childhood. It is complicated bond that can be influenced by many factors such as birth order, personality, parental treatment, family and other experiences outside of the home.

It can be a very intense type of bond that can bring siblings closer together. Or cause a lifelong sibling rivalry if steps are not taken to resolve issues from childhood.

What Is Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry is a form of competition among siblings. These siblings do not have to be biologically related. It may be very intense and distressing for parents to watch at times. As parents we can imagine before we have children that they will be loving, caring, play nicely with one another. When in fact just like adults they don’t, they argue, fight and don’t get on at times. We worry one child will be physically or emotionally hurt, have damaged self-esteem or become bullies in turn if the conflict continues at home.

What Causes Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry begins in childhood and it can happen from the time a sibling is born, adopted, fostered or brought into a blended family. Children may fight for a variety of reasons including:

1. In order to get your attention
2. To feel powerful
3. Connect with their sibling
4. To make their sibling look bad to their parents
5. To have some form of physical contact
6. Or even as a break from feeling bored

Other factors that may cause sibling rivalry include:

• Birth Order, children’s position in the family birth order can carry their own characteristic response patterns.
• Attention received from parents will also influence. If you play favourites or spend more time with one child then of course it will cause resentments and sibling rivalry.
• Blended family situations will cause a shift in the family dynamic, birth order may shift and attention they receive from the parents will naturally change.
• Age gap between siblings can intensify the rivalry between siblings. Siblings who are close in age have high access to one another and are more likely to be rivalries. While the further apart siblings are the less they interact with one another and are often less competitive with one another.
• Temperament of individual children, they may be more or less likely to get along with each other. Children with more challenging temperaments may annoy their siblings and if they are treated differently by parents this may also increase sibling rivalry.
• Gender and messages about gender will impact on how a child see themselves, their siblings and the world around them. So if a boy or girl feels unwanted by their parents this will impact on how they interact with their siblings and can increase sibling rivalry, especially with the child who is the more desired gender.
• Role modelling will also influence your child’s responses to conflicts and how to handle them. If you resolve problems and disagreements in a respectful and non-aggressive manner your child is likely to follow suit. But if you react with shouting, slammed doors, etc., then they will pick up these habits and rein-act them with their siblings.
• Developmental stages of child/teen. Each stage will bring with it new changes and challenges for the child/teen. The child is trying to define who they are as an individual and need time to work this out. They want to show they are separate from their sibling in terms of hobbies, interests, sports, academic pursuits, etc. How you react will be key, if you compare your children they will react with sibling rivalry. Times of transition in their lives will also trigger a bout of sibling rivalry such as moving from one school to another, moving home, parents divorce or entering their teen years.
• Parenting style, I speak more about this here.
• Stress in child’s life or in parents life. They do pick up on your stresses, even if you think you are hiding them. Stress in your child’s life will shorten their fuses and decrease their toleration for frustration, etc.

Signs Of Sibling Rivalry In Children

Some of the common signs you might, or might not, recognise that give you clues that sibling rivalry is going on. Remember as I always say be a detective when it comes to your children’s lives and trust your own gut instinct.

1. Being violent: hitting, kicking, biting, poking, breaking toys or objects belonging to the other sibling, throwing toys/objects at one another
2. Hiding personal items belonging to the other sibling
3. Demanding parent takes the baby back
4. Seeking attention constantly
5. Verbal abuse: name calling, insulting
6. Exhibiting frustration at the smallest thing
7. Telling tales on the other sibling
8. Bed-wetting
9. Reverting back to an earlier developmental stage: Talking like a baby, Sucking their thumb, etc.
10. Throwing temper tantrums
11. Competing with their siblings for grades or friends
12. Acting out towards other people, pets, or inanimate objects
13. Stealing things from sibling or others
14. Lying about the other sibling or lying to the parent about others things

How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry In Children.

1 Firstly you need to understand your own parenting style and see if your expectations of your child could be an issue here. Children will fight to some degree and we as parents need to accept this.

It can be harder to accept if you were an only child or your own temperament is different from your child’s. You need to give up unrealistic images of how your children should interact. This will put you in a stronger position to deal with any fighting.

2 Never compare each of your children or to other family members either. Remember they are unique individuals in their own right. Most importantly never play favourites. Allow children to explore who they are, what talents and abilities they have, celebrate all their successes. So don’t label or place stereotypes on them.

3 How did your parents handle this situation when you were small? Are you repeating patterns from your childhood with your own children? A small degree of sibling rivalry is to be expected as I’ve said, this doesn’t mean there’s anything majorly wrong. You need to teach them how to handle conflict in an appropriate manner and this may be different than how you were raised. So you will need to learn the right techniques first before you can teach them.

4 Be a detective in your child’s life: See if there are any patterns to the conflicts. Are they tired, hungry, angry, lonely? It’s not unusual for children to pick times before bed, naps, school, mealtimes to pick arguments with one another. Or when our attention is on other things and they need you. What’s going on in school? With friends? In activities? Check with other adults in your child’s life. They may give you a clue as to what is going on.

5 Set your children up to succeed. Encourage them to work together to get things done. Have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other. Show them how to resolve their conflicts without fighting. Consider making changes to routines, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned quiet activity when the children are bored could help avert your children’s conflicts.

Make sure each child has enough personal space and time for their activities, with their friends and spends enough time with you on an individual basis. Not always possible but you can explain why you need to do something else. Use family activities as a buffer too. They help you spend time together and everyone involved can have fun.

6 Take time to listen to your child. Not just during times of conflict, but all the time. Their perception of you being fair to everyone when it comes to conflict resolution is important. Just like getting a fair share of your attention they also need similar consequences as their sibling, be prepared to explain your decisions.

Help children to express their feelings and to understand and empathise with the feelings of their siblings. Involve them, as they get older, with setting up house rules will also help here. Give older children and teens responsibilities as well as consequences.

Use a time out as a cooling off period never as a punishment. You need to still discuss what has happened, then respond with the appropriate consequence. These should be logical, so if they are arguing over a toy remove it, if they are arguing over TV it gets turned off until they can agree.

Think About Getting Help

In situations where sibling rivalry is causing serious issues it is time to get professional help. A child and family therapist will help you and your child deal with what is causing the rivalry. Plus they can offer you alternative methods appropriate to your particular situation.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.