Anger, Aggression And The Teenage Brain.

One of the first steps we need to take as parents is to understand what happens in the teenage brain when they are angry.

When we take on board information our amygdala produces hormones that create strong reactions to physical pain or emotional alarm. It controls the flight, fright or fight response. One of these physical and emotional responses could be anger or the fight response. Remember this is a basic defense mechanism.

As adults though when we angry we have a fully formed prefrontal cortex to help us regulate our flight, fright and fight response in an appropriate manner. Not always though I can hear some of you say. Yes some people do admit their minds go blank, they see a red haze over their eyes and they respond in angry outbursts such as aggression.

But we have to remember that unfortunately our prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully form until our mid-twenties.  Until that happens teens are at the mercy of the amygdala. That can mean when teens get angry they can have angry outbursts, even violent ones.

Even as adults when we are angry we may not be able to stop and think before we respond and that is with a fully formed prefrontal cortex. So you can imagine for a teen it will be even harder.

Possible Causes Of Aggression In Teens.

There may be many reasons and causes for anger and aggression in teens. I’ve already outlined the different forms anger may take, so I won’t go into it here. You can check it out in my blog on anger.

As a parent it is important to realize the possibility that aggression may occur with, or is one of the first symptoms of, some conditions. As a parent myself I would advise you not to get hung up on some of these conditions but instead trust your gut instinct and investigate further.

One note of caution: If at any stage you feel there is something going on speak to your GP, or professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you are not happy with a diagnoses then always see a second opinion.

Remember too, we too had to learn emotional regulation and this is a skill that we as parents need to teach our children. Some children learn this skill quicker than others, so time and patience may be needed from you.

The following may cause aggression in teens. The list is not inclusive.

Any Type Of Abuse.

 A teen who is experiencing neglect or any form of abuse may express their angry in an aggressive manner in order to bring attention to their situation.

Addiction Or Substance Missuse.

Missuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs can cause aggressive behaviours.

Low self-esteem

Sometimes when a teen has low self-esteem they may try to cover it up with angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour.

Peer Pressure

Teen’s social lives are complicated at times. Friends come and go. These may create complicated situations that can cause the teen to feel angry, frustrated and unsure of themselves.

Teens want and need to feel accepted by their peers, probably even more than any other age group including adults. They need that sense of belonging to a group. If this doesn’t happen it can be very painful and may lead to angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour.

Disabilities

Teens suffering from learning disabilities can express their frustrations and communication difficulties as aggression and anger. Some learning disabilities such as ADHD or ASD can have several social and emotional difficulties. This may come across as the teen being aggressive and angry.

Mental Health Conditions.

There are a number of mental health disorders where anger and aggression may be a feature: Bipolar disorder, Panic disorder, Schizophrenia, Depression, PTSD to name but a few.

Remember a number of mental health conditions do start to manifest in the teenage years.

Stressful Or Traumatic Events.

Stress or traumatic events may trigger aggressive behaviour. So if a teen has gone through some form of trauma, or something stressful (or you are) it may take the form of aggression. That may include stress around exam time, death of a close friend or family member, accidents, injuries, etc.

Some Signs of Aggressive And Anger in Teens.

There are a number of physical and emotional signs that teens might display if they are struggling with aggressive anger:

• Clenching of jaw or grinding teeth
• Heart rate increasing
• Headaches
• Stomach Ache
• Shaking and Trembling
• Dizziness
• Elevated blood pressure
• Muscle tension
• Adrenaline Rushes
• Irritation
• Guilt
• Resentment
• Anxiety
• Sadness or Depression

A word of caution about the expression of anger.

Not every teen will express their anger as outbursts or aggressive behaviours. Some may express their anger in a quieter manner. They may withdraw, shut down, complain of a lot of headaches or they may cry for what you perceive as no reason. So even though aggression and angry outbursts may grab your attention, it is worth noting that these quieter teens may in fact need your attention more than the one that is yelling. As always you know your child best so trust your gut.

Helping Teens Deal With Anger And Aggression.

Get professional help if required.

First off if at any stage you feel your teen needs more help then always reach out for professional help. That may be in the form of a GP/doctor visit or counseling. It is always best to reach out sooner rather than later. For instance the sooner counseling starts or you get medical help the quicker the recovery.

Family counseling

Again if your teen is already in counseling then consider also getting family counseling. It is tough having to support someone through counseling. If not whole family counseling, then consider getting counseling for yourself. This will allow you to vent out your own frustrations, concerns and gain some knowledge and useful tips on how to support yourself, other children and your teen.

Model appropriate anger management techniques.

As always if we want our children to model good anything then we need to model that behaviour ourselves. Children pick up what we do and say even when we are not aware of it.

So if your anger management is not too good then investing some time in learning these techniques will be worth it. You can work through your anger issues with a therapist and they will give you appropriate techniques that you can also pass on to your child.

Teach them stress management techniques.

It’s important to teach them stress management and relaxation techniques if you know how to. But if you don’t again it is well worth investing in these skills, both for yourself and your teen.

Always keep the lines of communication open.

It doesn’t matter what is going on with your teen it is imperative to keep the lines of communication open at all times. Even when we are met only with a grunt or a look when you say hello it is still important that you keep talking.

All teens want is to feel loved and accepted by their parents no matter their behaviour. They need that constant reassurance from you that you will be there no matter what. You might not think they are listening but they are each and every time you do or say anything.

They pick up every little gesture, look of the eye, nod of the head, every word that is said or left unsaid. And remember they also have less regulation over their emotions to content with. Plus on top of that they are trying to push away from you and become independent adults, for that is the purpose of the teenage years after all.

Again if you want good communication with your teen then you have to model good communication skills also. That may not be something you find you are good at. But like all skills they can be learnt. I talk more about good communication in relationships in my blog of that name. You can find it here and it also includes a short how to communicate when angry.

Make time to talk to them and most importantly listen to their responses. By doing this you are conveying so many messages including how important they are as an individual and boosting self-esteem which may be low. You are modelling good communications skills as well and this is an invaluable tool to help them express their emotions and feelings instead of using aggression.

Stay calm and don’t enter into a shouting match.

If your teen is having a tantrum, meltdown or an aggressive outburst then you need to remain calm. Yes teens and young adults can have tantrums and meltdowns, I’ve seen many down the decades. Some can be quite frightening to witness.

But we have to remember to stay calm. That can be hard to do as we get caught up in the moment as parents. But if you meet emotions with more emotion it will only increase the teen’s aggressive behaviour.

Practising meditation is one way to learn how to stay calm in highly volatile situations. Meditation, and it doesn’t matter what type you do, allows us to train our brain to stop, take a breath, think, before we respond. The more you practise the better you get at doing this.

Get them involved in making the house rules.

Be consistent with discipline and house rules. If you need to implement behavioural contracts as well. So this is where you would have a contract with your teenager that would layout consequences and also rewards for particular behaviours. In this case aggression and anger.

If the teen lives in more than one house then the rules and consequences should be the same. It is up to you as the parents to work together for the benefit of your child.

Teenagers should be included in setting house rules and consequences. You also have to play your part and be consistent in your responses. So if your teen is allowed to yell, slam doors, or break things one day without consequences and is screamed at the next day for doing something similar, then they will become very confused about the rules.

Firm, consistent and fair discipline is need. All children need rules that help them learn and grow in to responsible young adults. Make sure that they realise any bad behaviour outside of the home will result in discipline at home too. So if they get in trouble for aggressive behaviour in school then you will also punish them appropriately at home also.

When we get them involved in making the house rules we are teaching them so much. Decision making skills, choices, autonomy, that they will be listened to and heard to name a few.

Teens are very good at coming up with consequences that will mean much more to them than most of the things you would consider. Remember though they also need you to listen to them, explain before you act and implement a consequence to the behaviour.

Never ignore bad behaviour, you can give them time to calm down (and you too) but then you have to speak to them about it.

Allow them time and space to calm down.

Remember they are in full flight, fright or fight mode when they act aggressively. Underneath this is probably fear of some kind. They need time and space to clear their heads and calm down so they can have a rational conversation about what has happened.

Give them this space and time. You may feel what has happened warrants an immediate response on your part but sometimes we need that time and space to calm down too. If you have limited in space in your home or if they are sharing a bedroom consider making one room in your home a place that anyone who needs space to calm down can go and they will not be disturbed for a set period of time.

Certainly don’t allow another sibling to go near them as this might antagonise them more or blow up the situation. There’s nothing like a younger sibling making fun of an older one to cause an already volatile situation to blow up further.

Become aware of any patterns your child may have.

This is where you need to be a detective and investigate. Ask yourself what is the behaviour you are seeing here and how am I reacting to it? What could be underneath the behaviour, remember most of the time with anger it is fear of something or someone.

This may be a starting point. But it also helps you understand how your teen reacts to being in certain situations. This is important in helping them to become aware of their triggers. Help them get to know their personal triggers. This could be for example that they get angrier in response to stress at exam time. So they know they need to make sure to sleep enough, meditate daily, take a walk and short breaks from study, keep in contact with friends, etc.

How do they react to being tired, lonely, hungry or angry? Most of you I’m sure have heard of hangry, yes it is a real thing. You can then help them understand how to deal with their emotions.

Talk to their school if you need to.

Sometime it’s a good idea to talk to their school. Let them know what is going on and come up with a plan that will help your child in school. It could also help to reduce the amount of times your teen gets in trouble.

If a teacher, year head, principal doesn’t know what is going on they just see a kid who is acting out. Try to cut these problems off before they arise by having a chat with the school.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.