Dealing with difficult people, especially family, can be very draining. During this time we can find ourselves feeling more stressed. We end up saying things we regret later. Or even doing things we would usually say no to just to keep the peace. We may even feel we have to step in even though we are not involved in the original dispute. We somehow feel responsible, our own toxic guilt and shame has kicked in, and we need to control the situation as a result.

Some Pointers To Remember.

1. If you find that toxic guilt and shame are an issue please seek the support of a therapist. They will help you resolve these.
2. Unfortunately not all difficult people can be reasoned with. But you can use techniques to defuse the situation.
3. You are not there to be another person’s punch bag. You can walk away or hang up on someone like this. You also need to know that some people just want to dump all their negativity all over someone else. Yes it can be easier to hang up on, or walk away from, a family member than in work. But even in work you don’t have to put up with bad behaviour.
4. There isn’t a one fit’s all response in difficult situations. But there are some techniques you can use here. You will need to practice these techniques as they can feel unnatural at first. This will be due to the flight, fright, fight response we all have. It will be up to you to reengage your brain when you feel threatened by the difficult person.

Tips To Deal With Difficult People.

1 Learn To Take A Step Back.

Meditation is going to become your best friend here in order to stay calm. Staying calm in any difficult situation will be key for you to deescalate the situation. Meditation will help you to slow down your brain automatically and reengage it when confronted by someone else. The more you practice the better you will become at not engaging or escalating the situation further. You can find some meditations over on my podcast you might like to try. Remember to focus on slowing your breathing while the other person is talking.

2 Stop And Listen To What Is Really Being Said.

You will need to listen to what is being really said by the other person. This will enable you can acknowledge what the real problem is. Try to suspend your judgment and treat the other person with respect. Often people just want to be heard and are feeling vulnerable or fearful in some way. But when we respond with our own defenses we can escalate the situation rather than hear what the person really needs.

If you don’t acknowledge the issue then we can‘t support or help to change it. If the person doesn’t feel acknowledged about what they need to say then the issue can’t be resolved either. Sometimes we have to look beyond what is being said to what the hidden meaning might be.

So some questions you can ask yourself here might be:

1. Is this problem or issue about you, your company, or about them?
2. Have you let your boundaries slide with this person?
3. Are they triggering something else for you, maybe something from the past?
4. Is there body language telling me something different to their verbal communication?
5. What is the emotion behind what is being said?
6. Do they seem angry but perhaps they are frightened or feeling vulnerable.
7. Is the person trying to gain something here?
8. Or is the person trying to avoid something?

Look for all the clues you can here, both verbal and non-verbal.

3 Watch How You Communicate.

You need to be as aware of your body language as you are of your verbal communication. Smiling, which some people do when they are anxious, will give the wrong impression in certain situations. Keep your distance from the person. They may escalate more quickly than you realise so you will need some distance. You need to be aware of any forms of touch as these may be misinterpreted also.

Using phrases such as “I understand” might not be welcomed by someone who doesn’t feel heard. Using a phrase such as “tell me more so I can help you” would be better. Or saying you’re sorry this has happen to them, or ask how you can help, can help to defuse the situation. Don’t use humour as it can backfire and only make matters worse.

Ask them what has upset them and allow them to vent rather than shouting back at them to quieten down. Raising your voice, or trying to talk over the person, will only escalate the situation further. Wait for the person to take a breath and then speak. But don’t argue with the person. Keep your voice even and state the facts or tell them you will get someone to assist them.

If this is a work situation then it is not personal. I know this is easier said than done when you feel like you are being attacked. Look for help from a colleague or manager to support you with the situation.

4 Trust Your Gut And Set Boundaries.

As I said you are no one’s punching bag. So always trust your gut instinct here and if things escalate then look for an exit strategy. It is important that you bear your safety in mind. It is okay to set boundaries with people especially negative or difficult people. You have a right to be assertive and look for support if you need it.

5 Actively Reduce Your Stress Afterwards.

You will need to talk things through with someone you trust afterwards. It doesn’t matter if this is a work or personal life situation. You need to talk it through. If it is an ongoing issue then I suggest you speak to a therapist.

You also need to actively reduce your stress. If you work on reducing your stress everyday you are also more likely to deal with difficult people more appropriately. There are plenty of techniques you can use to help with your own anger, frustration, anxiety and stress. I’ve discussed these in greater detail in previous videos and blogs so click the links to access.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.