Siblings spend most of their time together than they do with others. As parents we want them to have a healthy relationship that can last a life time.

The bond that is created during childhood between siblings is a complicated one. It can have many influences by many factors such as birth order, personality, parental treatment, family and other experiences outside of the home.

Sibling relationships can be very intense and it can bring siblings closer together or cause a lifelong sibling rivalry. Steps we take as parents can help to resolve issues from childhood.

Firstly a quick word on what is sibling rivalry?

What Is Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry is a form of competition among siblings. The siblings do not have to be biologically related. It may be very intense and distressing for parents to watch at times. As parents we imagined before we had children that they will love, care and play nicely with one another. When in fact just like adults they argue, fight and don’t get on at times.

This in turn causes us to worry that one child will be physically or emotionally hurt. That they will have damaged self-esteem or become bullies in turn if the conflict continues at home. The causes of sibling rivalry are varied and I discuss them in length in my previous blog on the topic. Plus I go into greater detail on what to do if you still suffer from sibling rivalry as an adult.

The following list is a general way in which you, as a parent, can encourage a healthier sibling relationship while also trying to minimize rivalry.  But please remember, some form of conflict is inevitable and you are doing the best you can as a parent so cut yourself some slack.

How Can You Encourage Healthy Sibling Relationships?

1 Understand your parenting style.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. Children don’t come with a manual and we tend to revert to a parenting style we were raised with, unless we make a very conscious effort to change that. Remember if you identify something about how you parent your child you don’t like, it is never too late to change anything. We are all doing our best, and at the end of the day if you can put your hand on your heart, you should let any guilt you have go.

Research has shown that parenting styles can affect everything about your child’s mental and physical development, from weight to emotional well-being. So, it is important to ensure that your parenting style is supporting healthy growth in your child, both physically and mentally. If you would like to find out more about the different parenting styles then please check out my blog and video on the topic here.

2 Be aware of the stages of development in children.

 It is important that as parents we understand how our children grow and develop. It is also important to understand that one child will grow at a different rate than another, even among siblings. So never compare your children to another or one another.

We have to remember that a younger child will have very many different needs than a teen. For instance we often think we have to force a small child to share long before they understand the concept. Then get angry with them when they don’t comply. Plus we can often expect too much, too soon, from our teens also.

So make sure as a parent you understand the basics of child development. It will help you set much more realistic expectations for your children and ensure a better relationship with your child.

 3 Expect conflict and sibling rivalry.

It is perfectly normal for families to have problems, issues, and conflicts. Be realistic here and don’t blame yourself or your children unfairly. Please set realistic goals and teach your children healthy ways they can resolve conflicts.

But also remember home should always be a safe place for every child. Bad behaviour should never be tolerated and siblings who bully should be stopped. Come up with some basic family rules, these will need to adapt and change as the children grow. As the children get older encourage them to get involved with adapting these rules.

Come together as parents and decide on the values you want for your family. Decide how these values will translate into a set of family or house rules. These rules should be followed by you as well.

I would also suggest that you include rules for behaviour outside of the family home, school, friend’s homes, etc. Plus if you are divorce then the rules should be the same in each home.

4 Remember each child is unique, so treat them as such.

It happens to every parent, they can have a favourite without even realizing it. Please try to stop this when you notice it. Don’t show favouritism to one child over another it is highly unfair and will only lead to some deep resentments building between your children.

So make sure to treat each child equally and to help the child feel special in their own right. Just like an adult they have their needs, feelings, and talents. Try to encourage your child’s gifts and talents even if it isn’t something you are interested in.

5 Build your children’s self-esteem.

Children who feel self-confident accept and value themselves and others as they are. They are proud of their achievements. They can make mistakes and have the courage to try again. The child knows they are worthy of respect and friendship, and they understand their own strengths and weaknesses.

Parenting is all about helping our child become self-confident, independent and resilient adults. It is of course our job to protect them too. But as they grow we need to provide opportunities to develop, learn and grown healthy skills they can take with them into adulthood.

One of the surest ways we can encourage healthy relationships with other siblings is to make sure the child believes, values and respects themselves also. So building your child’s self-esteem and confidence is one of the best ways to achieve your goal.

6 Everyone is equal especially during arguments.

Try to stay calm and objective during children’s arguments. Don’t get involved in small bickering. I know this can be very hard if they bicker constantly. But this usually means there is something else going on, especially with older children and teens. Try to get to what is actually going on and discuss it with them individually and together when you are all calm.

Be fair in your decisions and teach them that fair doesn’t always mean equal but rather what each person needs at that time.

In that regard make sure you know exactly what happened before you weigh in on the argument. If you need to get them to calm down first. Then talk to them individually before bring them together again to resolve their differences.

Don’t get into long discussion about he said, she said. Try to stick to the facts and never allow a child to build up the notion that if they fight they will be rewarded by your attention.

Don’t look to blame and punish and watch how you speak about your children even when you think they are not listening. They always are and pick up so much from what is not said also. Never use shame and guilt as a weapon either.

Help them resolve the issue between them in a healthier manner. Encourage them to develop empathy, compassion and respect for each other. Help them to solve the problem together, you are there are only a guide not as the solution maker. Remember you are teaching them good communication skills and problem solving skills when you do this.

7 Never force your children to be friends.

You cannot make them love, care or be friends with one another. Each child develops their own interests and friends outside of the home. You cannot force a friendship and similar interest if they just aren’t there.

What you can do is make sure they treat each other with respect though and that they don’t disparage the other’s interests, hobbies, gifts or talents. The friendship may naturally come about at a later stage as they grow and develop.

8 Never allow your children to play you off against their other parent.

If as parents you cannot agree on something then have that discussion in private. Talk directly with one another without the children present. Children are very quick at learning which parent they can play. As part of the house rules make sure your child knows that decisions will be made jointly. That playing you off one another is a non starter from the beginning.

Don’t use your children either if you are divorced or separated. Either as a means to get at another parent, as an intermediary between you both, or to play the ‘friend’ parent role with. Any of these tactics are one of the fastest ways to destroy your own relationship with your child.

If you cannot communicate without getting angry then leave it to the professionals. If you do need to communicate about your child, then keep it simple and on topic. Then leave the conversation at that. You can prepare what you need to say in advance if you have to.

If you need it please don’t be afraid to ask for outside help.

If you feel you need help with anything I discussed above or if things seem to be out of hand you can seek out personal or family therapy. Getting help and therapy sooner rather than later can be one of the quickest ways to resolve issues before they get worse.

All parents struggle from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with a local therapist.