Last week we discussed what Domestic Violence is and that it covers more than just physical abuse. It also includes emotional, financial and sexual abuse.
Neither does DV care what level of education you have, nor how much money you have, your sexual orientation or gender. You can read that blog here.
Today’s blog will discuss what your options are if you want to leave and how to help a friend.
I would preference this by saying safety is so important here, whether you are leaving an abusive relationship or helping a friend.
There is a lot of information you will need if you’re leaving an abusive relationship including housing, legal, reporting assaults etc., this would make this blog too long so I’ve linked out to Women’s Aid’s website for you to find some of this information.
Don’t forget this information relates to men also if they are being abused so please check the links also if you’re a man and living in an abusive relationship. You can also go to the Men’s Aid website for support and advice.
What are your options if you want to leave?
Recognising that you are being abused is an important step, what you do next is up to you.
Please ensure you are safe and put together a safety plan before leaving (see below).
Always remember you are now in charge of your life and that of your children’s. You will need support for legal options, maybe housing, immigration guidelines these can be found on the Women’s’ Aid’s website ( check these out even if you’re a man).
You do need time to recover and to make plans and decisions that are right for you and your family. Amen also has great information on their website for men. Both Women’s Aid and Men’s Aid offer court accompaniment as well as support.
Some Useful Information.
Women’s Aid has put together some information on your legal options, safety planning, housing options, reporting assaults, Immigration Guidelines and refuge. They also listed some other agencies that might be able to support you.
Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid is there to support you and you can call Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week or Men’s Aid (for men) on 01 554 3811. Please note these are in Ireland only so please check out your local DV supports.
Safety planning first.
Living in an abusive relationships means that you have to put your safety and that of any children first. If you feel you can’t put together a safety plan for yourself and need some help Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid (for men) can help you. Refuges and local domestic violence services can do the same.
What if you decide to stay?
Never feel guilty about making this decision, leaving is a very difficult decision to make. Again safety is your first priority, so make the following arrangement in case you need to leave or contact emergency services.
- Keep a phone in a room that locks from the inside and memorize all emergency numbers.
- Carry a mobile phone.
- Decide and plan where you will go if you do leave home (even if you don’t think you’ll need to).
- Make up a code word to let the children, friends, family, or a neighbour know that you’re in trouble and need help.
- If it is safe to do so, keep a handbag/overnight bag with important phone numbers and items in a place where you can grab it if you need to leave in a hurry. You can also leave these at a trusted friend or family’s house.
If you are attacked and are in immediate danger
- Call the Gardaí 999/112 when you can. Or your local police emergency phone number.
- Get out, if you can. Remember safety first.
- If you cannot get out, you may be able to avoid going into places like the kitchen and garage where there are plenty of potential weapons.
- You may also be able to avoid rooms with small areas like closets or crawl spaces where you can be trapped. You may be able to stay away from rooms without windows.
- Try to alert your friends, family, or a neighbour that you’re in trouble and need help, remember the code word.
When you decide to leave a little preparation will help.
- If you do plan to leave, decide when and where you will go.
- Confide in your children (if possible). Make sure they are old enough to understand that this must be kept secret. Reassure them that you have plans for how to protect them but that you need their co-operation.
- If possible you can plan an escape route and teach it to your children.
- Agree on a code word to signal to your children that it’s time to leave NOW.
- If you feel that it’s not safe or appropriate to confide in your children, try to have their belongings ready, if possible. Or leave a suitcase of clothes with a family member or friend you trust. Clothes can be removed one or two items at a time from your home.
- If you can, open a savings account in your own name to establish and increase your financial independence.
- Identify who will let you and your children stay with them or lend you some money.
- Leave money, extra keys, and copies of important documents and clothes with someone you trust.
- Review your safety plan with Women’s Aid, Men’s Aid or someone who is supporting you.
What do I need to take?
Don’t worry if you cannot take any of the items mentioned below. Safety is important first and foremost so you may not be able to leave with any of these items. You can return later – with someone to support you.
Main items:
Money
Clothing
Identification (driver’s license, passport, birth certificates for yourself and your children)
Medication
ATM, credit and debit cards
Keys to your car, home, and office
Your children’s favourite toys or blankets.
Important numbers (see list below)
Other useful items:
Health insurance information
Social welfare documentation
School and medical records
Welfare ID or work permits
Housing documents such as a lease, deed, or mortgage payment statements
Financial records
Marriage license/certificate
Protection orders
Custody papers
Immigration papers
Sentimental items such as photos or favourite books you wish to keep.
What are the important phone numbers to remember?
Keep a list of important phone numbers close to hand including:
Taxi
Friends and family
Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline
Local women’s refuge
Local rape crisis centre
Social welfare office
Housing office/County council housing office (Ireland)
Solicitor
Your doctor
Your work supervisor
Local police (Garda) station
Only keep a written safety plan if it is safe for you to do so.
Things to do to protect your safety after leaving.
Abusive relationships don’t always end when you leave. Former partners may follow you or contact you and try to continue the abuse. Some things to help you when you do leave to stay safe:
- Obtain a barring or protection order through the courts.
- Keep in touch with Women’s Aid, Men’s Aid or your local domestic violence service. They will help you plan your safety as your circumstances change.
- Delete social media accounts.
- Get an unlisted phone number and caller ID. Make sure to only give your phone number to people you trust and they know not to give it to anyone else.
- Screen all calls.
- Save all messages that are threatening or which violate a domestic violence orders. You can report these to police also.
- Open new bank accounts in your name only.
- Avoid staying home alone, and vary your daily routine.
- If you have to meet your partner, try to do it in a public place.
- Prepare your children so they know what they should do if they see the abuser.
- Let teachers know that you are the only one authorised to pick up your children from school.
- Make sure that no one at the children’s school gives out your contact information.
- Let your supervisor at work know about your situation, and arrange protective measures there, too.
Helping Someone You Know.
It can be very difficult to help someone you know unless they have been very open about their situation with you.
Unfortunately, most DV takes place under secrecy so you may be very shocked to find out your friend is a victim in the first place.
They need your support and must trust you a great deal to confide in you, to begin with. A note of caution please ensure your safety too as abusers will not take too kindly to any interference from anyone. So how can you help?
Emotional Support
- Listen to them and try to understand, please be mindful of not blaming them.
- Tell them that they are not alone and that there are many women/men like them in similar situations.
- Acknowledge their trust in you and give them time to talk. But don’t push them to go into too much detail if they don’t want to.
- Acknowledge that they are in a frightening and very difficult situation.
- Tell them that no one deserves to be threatened or beaten, despite what their abuser has told them. Nothing they can do or say can justify the abuser’s behaviour.
- Support them as a friend. Encourage them to express their feelings, whatever they are. Allow them to make their own decisions.
- Don’t tell them to leave the relationship if they are not ready to do this. This is their decision.
Practical Support
- Tell them about the Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or Men’s Aid (for men) helpline 01 554 3811. These numbers are for Ireland only so please check your local DV offices.
- Add the Women’s Aid and Men’s Aid Helplines to your list of contacts in your mobile phone should your friend every need it.
- Give them mobile phone credit so they can make calls in case of emergency.
- Ask if they have suffered physical harm. If so, offer to go with them to a hospital or to see their GP. Suggest that it might be useful in future to have records of any injuries as abuse frequently escalates over time.
- Help them to report the assault to the police.
- Go with them to visit a solicitor.
- Agree on a code word with them which they can use if they are in danger and needs help. Never barge into a situation on your own, call the police first and allow them to deal with it.
- Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship.
- Offer your friend the use of your address and/or telephone number.
- Tell them you will look after an emergency bag for them.
- Give them a small amount of money to put away in case they need a taxi or bus in an emergency.
- Please never put yourself in danger.
- Never offer to talk to the abuser about your friend.
- Remember you can also call the Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid helpline for information and support too.
- Your friend is going to need therapy. You will also need it, as you are dealing with a very stressful situation.
Leaving a DV relationship is never easy but it can be done. This takes a huge amount of courage and if you find yourself in this position please be aware you are not alone.
There is some wonderful help out there, some great people, that can support you throughout this process, offer advice, therapy and help you create the life you need and want for yourself and your children.
Work With Me.
Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.
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