Before We Begin. 

When I sat down to write this I ended up writing too much. So this is at present a 4 part series and I have to warn you this post is still long.

I apologise in advance, but I would advise you to take your time in reading it. Maybe get a notebook out to make notes as you go through if you are deciding to make changes in how your parenting children or teens. The suggestions below can be used with children of all ages. 

Take time to discuss the changes you want to make together with your partner. Make sure you are both singing off the same hymn sheet in making these changes. Children will divide and conquer. Start small and make sure the change you want to make is fully in place before making any more changes. 

Anyone Who Is Parenting Teens Needs To Know That All Teens Need Is To Feel Loved.

Yes, teens are different in terms of their personality and likes/dislikes. But underneath, and it really doesn’t matter how hard it can become, remember that all they want is to be loved. Pure and simple.

Remember Teens Are No Different Than You And I.

I thought I’d start with this statement as it is what we all want. We are all social creatures and the need for physical and emotional contact is important for our very survival. No matter how much social media pressures us into using it, we still need that one to one face time with another human being. Teens are no different.

Yes Teens Can Feel Like Hard Work At Times.

Parenting teens can at times be hard work. They are after all rejecting you and your beliefs and morals. Or at least that’s what it seems at times. In order to find themselves as independent adults at the end of the process they need to do a little pushing.

The media would have us all believe that all they ever do is get in trouble, make their parents lives a living hell, end up on something or pregnant etc., etc. The media likes to go to extremes to gain attention. A bit like a teenager to be honest. But for the most part teens and parents survive unscathed.

Teenage Brain Development.

As I’ve said although teenagers have their own unique personalities some things about them are universal. No matter how much your teen seems to withdraw from you emotionally, no matter how independent your teen appears, or how troubled your teen becomes, they still need your attention and to feel loved by you.

Yes, they can seem like they are from a different planet at times and that is because they are wired differently than adults. Their brains are trying to make that jump into adulthood.

The frontal cortex, the part of the brain used to manage emotions, make decisions, reason, and control inhibitions, is restructured during the teenage years, forming new synapses at an incredible rate. This takes time and won’t be complete until around the age of 26. 

Your teen’s body takes time to mature but their brain takes even longer to catch up. They can seem mature in some respects, but often they are simply unable to think things through at an adult level.

Hormones produced during the physical changes of adolescence can further complicate things. But, it has to be said that these biological differences don’t excuse teens’ poor behaviour or absolve them from accountability for their actions. It may help explain why teens behave so impulsively or frustrate parents and teachers with their poor decisions, social anxiety, and rebelliousness.

Remember You Are The Adult And Have A Little Patience.

Understanding adolescent development can help you find ways to stay connected to your teen and overcome problems together. It also helps with your patience level and helps you to remain calm no matter what they say or do. Understanding also helps you to keep your sense of humour and believe me as a parent of 5, now adult children, and a grandmother I know you will need it at times.

How To Help Your Teen.

Establish Healthy Boundaries, House Rules And Consequences. 

First off, this is better done when they are younger with an expansion as they grow. But it is never too late. Next, make sure you and your partner are speaking as one when doing this with any child no matter their age. Kids will divide and conquer when given a chance.

Then ask the teens (pre-teen/child) to co-operate and help set house rules and consequences. Teens need boundaries and rules, now more than ever. 

Make sure you know what healthy boundaries are and are modelling them for your children. Getting teens involved gives them a sense of ownership in the outcome. Plus a feeling of being respected by you in making these decisions. You’ll be surprised they may come up with harsher consequences than you do.

1. House rules, rewards and consequences. Don’t forget to discipline with rewards and consequences. Make sure your teens see the benefits in keeping such rules and that the consequences are fair and appropriate. Such as not having time to do things for them if they don’t help out, clearing up any mess they make, taking the fall out for not doing homework, etc. Try to have no more than ten rules at any one time. But these need to be flexible and changeable over time. Make sure to comment when you notice your teen sticking to the rules and that the rewards are something your teen will want. Let the consequences do the talking. You can still sympathise when your teen has to suffer the consequences but let the rules be the ‘bad guy’. Never use patronising, sarcasm, criticism or nagging as consequences instead use natural consequences for poor behaviour.
2. Be open to negotiation and let them earn privileges. Teens will complain about restrictions or punishments as they grow. This can be offset by, as I’ve suggested, they helping to work out rewards and punishments. But also by you being willing to try to work something out. Learning to compromise is good for your teen in their future lives. Teaching them this now is certainly a great skill worth teaching. So, if they are being responsible about the rules let hem know you are open to negotiation too. An example of this might be a curfew of 10 pm being extended to 11 pm for attendance at a dance as long as they were obeying the curfew at all other times.
3. Create structure. Teens may create a fuss and try to rebel against structure but they thrive better with it in place. Create set meal times and try to sit down for breakfast and dinner if possible every day. Make sure they know, and are on board about, the structures in their day. At school times this structure will be easier than during holidays. Make sure they still have some structure during school holidays it can be more flexible but it still needs to be there.
4. Reduce screen time and limit the use of social media and use of other devices. Yes, there is a correlation between too much violence and kids becoming desensitized to violence. But apart from that too much TV, Social Media etc., is not good for kids or teens. They need to be doing other things such as hobbies, sports and school work. They need downtime but not necessarily with devices either. Okay yes, teens will need access to their mobile phones but limit this during homework and none at the dinner table. Make sure you are modelling these too. Make sure you’re up to date with protecting your teen while using any type of devices or social media. 
5. Encourage exercise. This can help ease depression, boost energy and mood, relieve stress, regulate sleep patterns, and improve your teen’s self-esteem. This can be hard until it becomes a habit, so encourage them to join school sports and after school clubs. But don’t over-schedule them as they need time to sleep, eat, lounge about, hang with friends and do homework too.
6. Model healthy eating for your teen Eating healthy can help stabilize a teenager’s energy and mood as well as sharpening their minds. Teach your teens to cook and get actively involved in meal preparation at home, eat more fruit and vegetables and cut back on junk food and soda, please.
7. Ensure your teen gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make a teen stressed, moody, irritable, and lethargic. A lack of sleep can cause problems with weight, memory, concentration, decision-making, and immunity from illness. Your teen needs 8.5 to 10 hours of sleep a night. So make sure you set consistent bedtime, remove TVs, computers, and other electronic gadgets from their room. Explaining why to your teen will get them on board, that the light from these gadgets suppresses melatonin production and stimulates the mind, rather than relaxing it. Give your teen the suggestion that they try listening to music, reading or audiobooks at bedtime instead.
8. Model good self-care and setting up healthy habits for your teen. Check out my posts on these for further details.

Show Your Teen How To Manage Their Emotions.

Make sure when you are angry, or have any other emotions, that need expressing that you express it appropriately.

Talk to your teen about how you cope with all feelings and what you do to release them. (I’ll be dealing with anger in part 2 and negative emotions in part 3 of this series).

If you get angry or upset, show your teen that isn’t the time to communicate with others but wait until you are calm and have more patience. Sometimes we have to deal with things when we are angry. So modelling this behaviour too is also good as long as it is appropriate.

Be Aware Of How You Manage Your Stress. 

Stress reduction is important and also helps show your teens how they can deal with this in time of high stress for them, such as leaving cert (Ireland exam) or later in life. We are not perfect and we don’t have to be, so showing your kids this is also important.

Spend Time Just Listening.

1. Find time every day to ask them about their day and allow them time to respond. You may at times only get a grunt but always keep asking. Never do this face to face as this signals confrontation to teens. Side by side is better if you are having a one to one conversation. Dinner time can be good time for everyone in the family to catch up and teaches them to take turns and listen to others at the same time. Practising of the no ridicule rule between siblings as they listen during dinner is also important. Teens need to realise that if they want respect they need to treat others with respect too.
2. It can be good to make time for your teen on a one to one basis. Arrange lunch dates, or coffee, where you know you won’t be rushing off and will have time to ask and listen to what their interests are. It helps them to feel important and respected.
3. Make one night a week family night. Make sure you all as a family have time at least once a week together, especially if you don’t or can’t have a family meal once a night.
4. Find common ground. Pick the battles you want to win in order to win the war as they say. With that in mind discussing your teen’s appearance or clothes may be a sure-fire way to trigger a heated argument. But you can still find some areas of common ground. Remember, if you’re having other major issues with your teen then clothes and appearance can be a battle to let go of. Parents and their teens can connect over movies, music, sports, hobbies and interests. Using their hobbies, etc., is a sure-fire way to get a teen talking and when they do just stop talking and listen. This, in the end, will lead to them feeling more comfortable in talking with you. Then about talking about other uncomfortable issues if they arise.
5. Listen without judging or giving advice. When your teen does talk to you it’s important that you listen. So that means making eye contact or looking at them even when they are not looking at you. No checking social media or the TV, judging, mocking, interrupting, criticizing, or offering advice. Teens want to feel understood and valued by their parents. So doing the above will help your teen to feel that they’re not important to you.
6. Encourage them to talk about negative feelings, anger, their opinion and things they disapprove of.  Allow them to talk about their opinions without fear of punishment. Don’t see it as disrespectful if they don’t agree with you as long as they take it seriously.  So no flippancy, nastiness or sarcasm. It’s good for them to argue their point of view in a safe environment at home. Use logic, not emotions, to show them why you care so much about this topic. Show them enough respect to place your argument against theirs. It is okay for your teen to describe their frustrations in private and to talk assertively to the right person when they feel angry. But, make sure they understand that it is not okay to bully, or belittle, family members or others when they speak of their emotions and opinions.
7. Help your teen problem solve and find solutions.  So when your teenager tells you something is wrong, sit down with them and help them come up with a  range of possible solutions. Start by allowing your teen to come up with some solutions first before you add yours and write it all down, even the silly ones. Show them how to work through all the solutions on paper. Speaking about the pros and cons of each before letting them make the decision. Ask them which one will suit their need the best. Be prepared to back them and help them with their solution. Don’t do it for them but allow them to take the lead and deal with it themselves. Remember, during all of your interactions with your teen they need to feel support and loved.
8. Give at least five positive comments to every negative one. Think about it. If you were constantly nagged, belittled, criticised, complained about and threatened how would you respond? Not well I’d say, well neither do teens. If you want respect you have to show respect. So always treat others how you would be like to be treated yourself. Don’t give orders, describe the problem. Instead of attacking the teenager, describe what you feel. Never blame, give information. Instead of threats or orders, offer a choice. Don’t give a long lecture, say it in a word, or as few as possible. Instead of pointing out what’s wrong, state your values and/or your expectations. Never use angry reprimands, do the unexpected. And instead of nagging, put it in writing (using a humorous note).

Expect Rejection.

So you’ve done all of the above and guess what you still get met with rejection, the grunt, the silence. Know that this is normal and you as a parent are not alone.

Your teen is a whirlwind of emotions each day so try to stay calm and patient. Don’t take it personally either  Allow them some space and let them cool off if needed and try again. Never be put off, just persevere and the breakthrough will come.

Work With Me.

All parents struggle from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.