Understanding Why You Need To Rebuild Trust In Yourself Is Vital.

Building trust in yourself is hard after any kind of abuse. This is something that requires patience with yourself and for you to purposefully go through the grieving process.

Please realise you may have PTSD and to understand this. It is also important to understand what you have been through. You can read about your particular situation (don’t go overboard with the reading)  such as domestic violence, abusive relationship, rape, sexual abuse, life with an addict, childhood neglect or abuse, mental health issue, eating disorder, the list is endless here.

When you start to understand the situation you’ve been through, you begin to understand the how/why it “happened to me” questions and why asking for help is so important.

Getting into therapy is a necessary first step in building trust in yourself again.

How Can You Help Yourself?

1. Get into therapy. If you’ve been in any form of abusive relationship, domestic violence situation, been raped, childhood abuse or neglect, live(d) with an addict or have PTSD you really need the support of a psychologist. We will help you overcome the trauma you have suffered and rebuild trust in yourself and others.
2. Above all have patience with yourself, it will take time.
3. Start with the basics of self-care and self-soothing (build good habits). We might have forgotten what self-care is all about and need to start again to remember. Don’t worry about breaking negative habits yet. You can tackle these later once you get some good habits in place first to support you.
4. Use meditation. It helps you reset your brain back to centre when you feel out of control. Plus it will help with any depression or anxiety. One place you can start is to get in touch with your emotions and self-regulate them with practice. It will also help with stress reduction which is so important.
5. Identify your needs. This can be difficult as you may no longer know what you like, need or want. But finding out will help you also learn to love yourself again. As I’ve said start with the basics of self-care and then move on from there. That means learning to do things for you. Taking time out from any relationship until you’re fully ready to re-enter relationships in a way that is healthy and safe for you. Sometimes it also means “faking it till you make it” and also setting boundaries (see below). Pay particular attention to your thoughts and feelings, you’re learning to trust your gut instinct again or for the first time. Work out what makes you feel good about yourself. From treating yourself to a bunch of flowers, to take a long walk in the park. Set yourself achievable goals, and congratulate yourself when you accomplish them. Always keep your promises to yourself.
6. Start to let go of the guilt and shame. Again a trained therapist will be able to help you deal with these emotions and also help you grieve out the whole process fully. You need to do this in order to move forward with your life.
7. Use affirmations and focus on what is positive in your life. Use a gratitude journal it does help. Speak kindly about yourself to everyone including yourself. Counter negative self-talk with positive self-talk and praise yourself every day for a job well done. Celebrate everything no matter how small.
8. Let go of “naysayers“, “dream crusher” or “negative vampires” now. You don’t need these people in your life. It’s time for you and keeping the focus firmly on what you want in the future. Start trusting your gut instinct again and let go of people you don’t trust or who undermine your trust in yourself.
9. Reclaim your body using grounding techniques. Your therapist will be able to help with this but Peter Levine’s book has some great ones to start with.
10. Re-parent you inner child if you need to. Survivors of childhood abuse or dysfunctional families may still be waiting for the love of a parent that will never come. It can, however, come from you. Again I would only recommend doing this work with a trained therapist. But if you’d like to read John Bradshaw’s book on the topic its here.

Build Boundaries With Yourself And Others.

So what are personal boundaries? 

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that you as a person create. These help you to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards you and how you will respond when someone passes those limits. 

Setting healthy boundaries are key to ensuring relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring and are a measure of good self-esteem. Learning to build trust in yourself will also help you to build healthy personal boundaries.

So how can you do this?

1. Become self-aware. What do you like and dislike? What are you comfortable with versus what scares you? How do you want to be treated in given situations? We need to think these through to really understand how and why we acted in the past. Plus how and why we will act in the future.
2. Realize that your needs are important. Be clear about your needs and also let others know.
3. Be with people who value and respect you.
4. You need to be specific and direct in your communications with everyone. (See how to improve communications post here) Don’t forget to use “I” statements and own your own feelings and thoughts. You can also try the sandwich approach. This consists of a compliment, criticism, compliment. Starting with a compliment prevents the other person from getting defensive.
5. Remember learning to have healthy boundaries takes time so be patient with yourself. Don’t give up and keep practising. Just like anything else it is a habit and can be learnt. It isn’t set in stone either. You may come across new situations you need to adjust for. Plus you may have to look at the grey areas too. But you will still be able to keep your own boundaries intact while doing so.
6. Be fair, kind and set realistic expectations of others.
7. Know that you are in charge and can walk away at any time.
8. Learn what loose/rigid boundaries are versus healthy boundaries (see below)

What Do Loose Boundaries Look Like? 

• When someone asks you for something and you want to say no but you do it anyway.
• You resent the other person and yourself for saying yes.  This becomes a vicious cycle. You say yes, feel resentful and distance yourself. Yet you say yes, again, to another request, and the cycle continues.
• There are time that you disclose personal information that you feel anxious and vulnerable about to someone. But are also unsure if you can trust them or you may have only met them.
• You share inappropriate information that makes others feel uncomfortable.

What Do Rigid Boundaries Look Like?

• The boundaries you set will leave you feeling lonely, isolated or disconnected.
• It may also feel like no one really knows or understands the real you because you don’t open up to others.
• You can’t relate to others, either, because you squash their attempts to share with you by throwing up walls. Eventually, they will stop trying.
• You’ve alienated and isolate yourself from all your loved one. Friends may be non-existent if you have any real ones. There may only be colleagues or acquaintances in your life or at least that is how you view people around you.
• You enjoy all the time you have for your projects, but they don’t include anyone else in hobbies and interests.

You can read more about setting boundaries here.

Building trust in yourself can be difficult but not impossible. Be patient, kind and loving towards yourself. Reach out for help as needed and you will get there.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.