Divorce is one of the most traumatic events we can go through. Once we have dealt with all the legal issues (this process can drag on for years in Ireland) we may begin to consider dating again.

We may also consider dating while going through a divorce. But make sure you know all the legal issues that might entail first around maintenance (alimony) and custody in particular.

Once you have had your heart-broken it can be very daunting to put yourself out there again. So how can you prepare yourself or know if you are ready to date again?

What To Consider First.

Make sure you are healed before you start dating.

You really do need to work through the issues surrounding your divorce with a professional. You need time to grieve out what you have lost. Don’t let yourself make a decision by what others are telling you or any calendar you might have in your head. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. So give yourself time to do so. Make sure you have made peace with the past as best and as fully as you can.

Another point to remember is that there is no sure-fire quicker way to end another relationship if you haven’t dealt with the past. If you haven’t let go of the past then you will repeat that pattern with a new partner. It may not appear exactly the same but it will have similarities and you will make the same mistakes again.

It also isn’t nice to have to sit there listening to someone complain constantly about their ex while you’re on a date. You wouldn’t like for this to happen to you. When you date someone you want them to treat you with respect. Plus take the time to get to know you, have an interest in you as a person and be present for that date. Certainly not talk about their ex.

So how do you know if you’re ready?

Ask yourself some hard questions.

1. If you are unable to let go of the past or at least set it aside for a few hours on a date. Do you really think you should be out on a date?
2. If you are unable to carry on a conversation without filing complaints, introducing comparisons or stories regarding your ex. Or inviting your ex into every facet of the conversation. Do you really think you should be out on a date?
3. If you are unable to let your hair and your guard down and really get to know the person sitting across the table from you without being distracted or seeming disinterested. Do you really want to be on this date in the first place?

You need time to deal with any issues you have around betrayal and suspicion.  Plus you need to allow yourself time to learn to trust your gut instincts again. So take this time now before you begin dating again.

If you had relationship boundary issues in your marriage are you dealing with fixing them?

Again you need time and help to sort this out. Explore why this happened in your relationship? The same goes for any personal boundary issue you might have.

For example: If you’re a co-dependent – if your ex has addiction issues then you are – you need to sort this out before entering into another relationship. Even beginning to date again you will only be attracted to another addict. It may not be the same type of addiction. But if you haven’t dealt with your own issues then you will attract someone similar to the person you divorced.

The simple fact is you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. So get these fixed first.

Can you accept the new you?

You have changed since the last time you dated. You’re older and wiser. Have you allowed yourself to catch up with the new you?

We can get caught up in the legal stuff and looking after children when we are going through a divorce. We need time just to find who we are again. What we like? What we want in the future? All of these we may not have been considered.

So take time out to find you before getting involved with anyone else. Take time to just try new things. Plus any old stuff you let go of while married. Meet up with friends and make new friends. All without the pressure of dating.

Be open to new experience!

Learning to accept yourself will also give you time to find out what you want in a new relationship. What your red flags will be. You may say you don’t want anyone like your ex. But what exactly does that look like for you?

Again remember there is no pressure to begin dating again. If you are just dating to prove to your ex, or yourself, you’re still desirable to others, then you need to stop! This usually ends in disaster and isn’t very satisfying as your heart isn’t in it.

Be aware that things have changed since the last time you were dating.

You aren’t the only thing to have changed. So have your friends (you may have lost some during the divorce), your social life (you may not even have one as it revolved around your ex). You may have children now and you have new routines.

There is an advantage to this. In that your friends who have stuck with you know you well and they might introduce you to your new partner. Plus there is now the possibility of meeting someone online (more below).

Although dating is an adult decision we can allow the fact we have kids to hold us back.  

Some single parents don’t date because they’re worried about the effect it may have on their children. Don’t let your children stop you dating. This isn’t fair to any of you. I think they’d much prefer you to be happy in the long run.

Yes, your children have been through a rough time. But you got them help if they needed it right?  Plus you can’t let that stop you. A point worth noting is that adult children may also need time to adjust to any new person in your life. It’s not just little kids.

With a few rules in place you should be fine here. I’ve added some below but add your own too.

So what are some of the rules can you introduce to help here?

1. Expect resistance, kids, big and small, need time to adjust too.
2. Begin by going out with friends.
3. Let them see you enjoying some hobbies too on a regular basis. This way kids get use to the idea of you going out again.
4. Be careful about introducing any new partner into their lives. I would recommend you don’t introduce someone until it becomes long-term and serious for you both.
5. Don’t force kids to accept your new partner. This will come in time. Consider integration therapy for you all if needed.
6. No “sleep over’s” in your home if it isn’t serious.
7. Make sure you reassure your kids and spend time with them too. They do want you to be happy but they need reminding of your love.
8. Remember parenting belongs to you not your new partner. So don’t expect them to jump right into this or for your kids to accept them in a parenting role.

So You’re Ready To Date Now What?

1. Create your support group. If you haven’t done so before now make sure your friends know you’re willing to date again. Plus that they have your back if times get tough.
2. Be Patient with yourself and others. Know that there will be pitfalls and frogs to kiss along the way. So don’t put pressure on yourself or others along the way to get it right straight away. Or to find the “one” immediately.
3. Know what you want in a relationship and what that person will be like. Make a wish list. Know your red flags and stick to these. Don’t let others persuade you away from trusting your gut instinct here. Knowing yourself and evaluating your past ex’s (yes all of them) will help with this exercise.
4. Remember you can’t fix anyone and don’t settle for just anyone either.
5. Practice safe sex and sex-exclusivity. Make sure you want to have sex with the person first. Use condoms and make sure that sex is within a serious relationship. Treat yourself with respect if you want to be respected.
6. Be prepared for pitfalls along the way. This isn’t just about the frogs. But also about memories coming up, loneliness at times, new pressures and stresses in your life. These will all take their toll and you need a plan of action here to help yourself.
7. Try online dating but make sure you’re safe too. I’m no expert here, so please get advice from someone who is.

1. Make sure you know how it works and use a reputable site.
2. Get advice from close friends on recommendations.
3. Make sure the site is secure, as you are putting personal data online.
4. Always trust your gut and if you’re meeting someone in person make sure you pick a public location.
5. Don’t allow them to come to your home or you go to theirs until you know them extremely well.
6. Tell a friend about the person you are meeting, plus the where and when of that date. Perhaps call them when you arrive at your destination and ask them to call you during the date to check up on you.
7. Have a safe word to let them know you are safe or in trouble and to come and get you.
8. Remember, just because someone says or gives information to you online doesn’t mean it’s true in real life. In other words make your safety your priority.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advice you make sure you create a positive support system before you start to make any changes in your life. One part of that positive support system is working with a therapist.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.