Becoming a parent creates an identity crisis within us. No matter how well you prepare. When the child arrives you can feel like you are drowning. It takes time to adjust to this new period of your life.

It is a time when you move from being responsible for only yourself to being responsible for a new life. It can be daunting, overwhelming, your emotions will be all over the place especially in the first few weeks. You’ll be racked with fear, guilt, anxiety, as well as love and hate at times. Not many people will admit to hating their child when they first arrive but it can be a reality. You’ll become sleep deprived and any thought of some self-care, if you ever knew what that was, is gone.

I understand that you’ll have a whole new bunch of priorities, and that self-care falls very firmly to the bottom of your list, but it is essential. Not just to you, but for your relationship and your child.

Self-care is a radical expression of self-love. Let that statement sink in. Why? Because you modelling this type of self-love is crucial for your child’s future development.  You are teaching your child that setting healthy boundaries is okay.  As is having enough respect for yourself that you look after your mental and physical health needs too.

What is self-care?

Our parents did their best when they raised us. They taught you only what they knew. They probably believed that you always put the child’s, and every other person’s, needs above your own basic self-care. But research shows us that parents need to take at least 20 minutes to decompress daily and slightly longer at weekends. Not just for their physical health but also mental health too.

This can be very difficult in the beginning, as you are being pulling in so many different directions trying to adjust to being a new parent. But a very basic self-care routine is essential.

What do I mean by basic self-care?

1. 8 hours of sleep: Not really going to happen at the start but try to sleep when the baby does. Don’t do housework etc., during this time. You need sleep in order to function properly. A more normal sleep pattern will return after a few months.
2. Shower regularly
3. Dress the best you can. Not what others think you should wear but what makes you comfortable. Never buy into what you see or read on any form of media.
4. Wash you clothes
5. Change bed linens and wash these regularly
6. Eat 3 meals daily or 5 smaller ones depending on your appetite
7. Take 15 mins outside for a walk everyday. Getting some daylight is essential to your physical/mental health
8. Meditate or doing something you find relaxing. You can combine the walk outside with this exercise. Parenting is stressful you need to learn to de-stress.
9. Journal, get all your emotions out. It helps you to reduce your stress levels also. Finish by writing a gratitude list or use the prompts below for a self-esteem boost.
10. Drink 8 glasses of water daily

As time moves on in the first year you will find that you adjust to new routines and a new you. But there are other ways to help yourself do this and aid building your self-care routine in the process.

How to help yourself adjust to being a new parent

These are not in any particular order:

1. Use affirmations: Adjusting to being a parent causes us to have an identity crisis. So using affirmations can help us get back in touch with ourselves beyond being a parent.
2. Give yourself time to adjust. You need time and patience with yourself. Children don’t come with a manual, it’s a learning curve. Our self-confidence can take a knock as well as we feel the pressure to be “perfect” parent. Let me tell you there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Everyone is doing their best and your child will be fine.
3. Let stuff go and review your priorities: It’s a new time in your life, so perhaps what fitted into your life before no longer does. Or perhaps it’s time to decide what you now want in your life, your needs, likes, new strengths you’ll discover you have now. (I’ve a free course in my free group you can use to help you do this exercise) Prioritize your life/work balance. Get your partner involved in this priorities review. You need to sing from the same hymn sheet especially around relatives and their views.
4. Being organised does help: At first things will seem a little crazy. Remember you’re adjusting. But in time getting a plan in place does help. Yes, it does have to be flexible but planning out tasks, activities, priorities for the day will help. Unless you’re a single parent get your partner involved in the planning. Even before the baby’s born it’s a good idea to plan things out. For instance: who will be responsible for what, house rules for children, how you will raise the child, etc. Good communication between you is essential. So too is having a planning night where you talk over your week, your plans for the next week, month etc., and how things are going. This is a good practise to start early. It gets busy as the kids grow and parents can lose touch with one another as a result. Your relationship will suffer as a result, so plan time together too.
5. Support each other: As parents you need to support each other especially around other people. Always back you partner when it comes to other people and relatives views. This is critical. Decide how you will raise your child together and then back each other no matter what.
6. Let go of feeling guilty: This is very important, we can use guilt to beat ourselves up when it comes to parenting. Outside pressure from the media and social media doesn’t help either. Yes, you will feel guilty about taking time out from your child at first. But the more you do it the better you’ll get at putting this guilt aside. Take time out and get  in touch with who you are outside that of a parent is crucial for you and them. Remember the things you liked to do and do them. Try new things too. Make sure you both get equal time off, as much as you can. There is no more sure-fire way of ending a relationship than one partner being left to look after the children by themselves. Write out 5 activities that you’d like to try or retry and plan out time for them.
7. Never be afraid to ask for help: From your partner, family, friends, hire a babysitter. Grandparents and other friends and family don’t mind babysitting, take advantage of some time off. Going on date nights is very important as it helps nurture your relationship. When the children have grown up remember you will be back to just the two of you again. Your relationship needs work and support too if it’s to survive. Write a list of 5 people who support you and keep it close at hand to phone for support or help. Make contact with friends and meet up. Or join a parent’s support group. Mother’s or father’s parenting groups are becoming more common. Sometimes we lose old friends as our lives move on, but we can make some great life long friends with other parents.
8. If you need professional help speak to your GP or health visitor. Postnatal depression is very real in both men and women, and it’s very treatable, so become aware of its symptoms.

Self-Esteem Prompts For Journal

Something I did well today…
Today I had fun when…
I felt proud when…
Today I accomplished…
I had a positive experience with… (a person, place or thing)
Something I did for myself that felt good…
I was proud of someone else… (a great way to build awareness & gratitude for you partner, child, friend or family member)
Today was interesting because…(always remember the small things)
I felt good about myself when…(be proud of everything, even the small stuff, celebrate every win)

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.