Learning to love yourself can be a difficult road to take. Particularly if we have left an abusive relationship behind (partner or parent). We can find ourselves filled with self-doubt and confusion, unsure of how to even begin.

We could have other issues to deal with along the way, such as harmful behaviours or bad relationships. Learning to trust ourselves can be difficult especially if we have been lead to believe our own gut instinct isn’t to be trusted. Our self-confidence will certainly have been eroded, never mind how do we empower ourselves?

We will look at people who tell us to “look after yourself” as if they were aliens, for this “self-care” concept will certainly not live in our realm. We feel broken, used, mad, victimized, alienated. The list of how we feel is endless.

We certainly won’t be able to look after ourselves, for we simply don’t know how. We were raised with the idea that looking after your self only happened after we looked after everyone else. Then only if there was ever any time left. But we never came first.

What we were taught as children about love was incorrect.

What we were taught as children is what our parents were taught by their parents and so on. We were taught that love would only come from a conditional love. Conditional love tells us we must measure up and be found acceptable by others to be loveable.

Love came from an outside sources, not from inside us at this time. It was a love that had to be earned on the basis of unconscious or conscious conditions being met by you. Don’t beat yourself or your parents up for this, they only taught you what they knew.

Reclaiming You.

Reclaiming who you are and learning to love your self can be a long journey. In fact it is probably the start of your real life as you have to let go of the pretense and masks you used to cope with your life before now. It is a long journey as we have to start with getting the self-care basics in place first. Then, we can begin to look within to find who we are and what we want.

A lot of the time we just drift through life and don’t even stop to ask ourselves what it is we really need or want in our life. It make take a crisis point at this time to bring us to this point of asking what we need or want in our life. Sometimes we land into therapy for a harmful behaviour (alcohol, drugs) or after a relationship ends (death of a parent or divorce). But however you get you to this point, just know that learning to look after and love your self will be your chance to finally free yourself.

Learning To Love Yourself Fully Again.

When we learn to love ourself fully we cast aside self-doubt and confusion. We begin to trust ourself and gain an unshakeable self-confidence again. You will begin to recognise when something is right for you, or wrong, and act accordingly. You will find yourself making decisions that protect your physical and emotional self.

It can begin by just making a committment to basic self-care. Even this will enable you to make changes in your inner and outer world. The next step would be to put in place an active strategy to help you move forward. Become willing to ask yourself are you ready to make the changes necessary? Are you ready to make a commitment to your self? Do you choose to love yourself? This has to be a resounding yes before you can commit to this work.

Lets begin by asking yourself some basic questions.

Please note: Don’t just answer yes or no or give a simple score out of 10 but explain your why to these questions. Don’t worry too much about the answer you can refine it later. Just write what comes to mind first.

1.  How satisfied are you with your life right now? (score out of 10, 1 not satisfied, 10 life is great I wouldn’t change anything)
2. How much fun are you having in life right now? (again out of 10, 10 equals enjoying life to the fullest).
3. How happy are you with your career? Or being a stay at home parent or with being retired? (again out of 10, 10 equals you don’t want anything to change).
4. How overwhelmed or busy are you? (out of 10, 10 being overwhelmed no time for myself).
5. What do you like, to do, things, to watch etc., right now?
6. What would you improve in your life right now?
7. Am I ready to take action to change my environment, habits, life? (again out of 10, 10 being you are not will to change anything yet)

You also need to look at the following:

1. What are your:  Strengths; Weaknesses; Fears; Dreams; Boundaries;
2. What Blocks you?
3. What Energies you or Drains you?
4. Are any of the following something you are looking for?

• A more meaning/purpose in life.
• More fulfilment/happiness in life
• An easier/more simplicity in life
• For more freedom
• Inner peace/serenity
• Changes in or to move forward in my career
• To achieve my goals easier or faster
• Learn to trust myself or others
• To be my authentic self

Learning New Strategies To Loving You More.

1. As I said put in place basic self-care and ask for help if needed. (GP, Therapist, Family and Friends)
2. Commit to honouring you – body, mind and spirit. So exercise and healthy eating, journaling, meditation, gratitude, etc.
3. Look for ways you can cultivate more fun into your life. It isn’t all about working harder to change everything about your life at once. Finding the balance is key.
4. If you’re unhappy with your life only pick one area to work on at a time. Can you identify the root cause of your unhappiness? What about your career, is it going well? If you find it difficult to pick out the root cause for any difficulties please ask for help.
5. If you’re feeling overwhelmed review your priorities, this will often help with tackling your unhappiness too. Plus learning to say no is a real boost to your self-confidence. I have two free courses on these topics in my free group.
6. If you feel you have completely lost yourself begin by exploring what you like in life: things to do, places to explore, art, writing, music, etc.
7. When faced with inner blocks it is often other people’s voices we hear. We are taught how to love ourselves in childhood. When we examine the list of false statements we have we can often identify themes belonging to our parents, grandparents, siblings etc. Identify your false perceptions about your life and yourself. The key to making any change is to look directly at the things that are standing in your way. Use the questions above to get you started. You can also start to write out the repetitive phrases or thoughts that prevent you from loving yourself.
8. Now question/challenge each one of those false statements. Which of these statements doesn’t aligned with loving yourself.  Is this causing a block to loving yourself? Write out an affirmation to help you move beyond these false/negative statements. Place the affirmation where you can see it on a daily basis and repeat it at least 10 times a day. If you have any doubt as to whether the thoughts or blocks belong to someone else ask yourself: Is this my voice or the voice of someone else? Use this to differentiate between your voice and the voices of others, this enables you to begin to trust yourself again and start to listen to your inner wisdom.
9. Forgive yourself, apologise if you have to. But remember the past is gone and can’t be changed, it’s time to move forward with your life. Conditional love is all about blame, shame and guilt. Love yourself more by letting these go now. Practise self-compassion instead.
10. Remember the most important time of your life is right now. So love yourself now. Don’t wait. Loving yourself unconditionally means accepting yourself as you are now. Move in the direction of your dreams to-day don’t wait until you’re perfect or everything is perfect. That day will never arrive. Go for your dreams starting today, respect yourself enough to put your dreams in to action.
11. Nurture a positive attitude, it will help you keep going when you feel like giving up. Read positive and inspiring quotes, blogs and books on a daily basis. We’re surrounded by so much negativity we can feel battered from all sides. Take time to sit with yourself, learn to listen to what your body, mind and inner wisdom is telling you. Get comfortable with you, warts and everything else you feel uncomfortable with about your self. When we do this we allow our authentic self to shime through. We learn to really love ourselves fully. We also get to know what we really need and want in our lives. This in turn allows us to set healthy boundaries, with ourself and with others, and to learn what we will not compromise upon.
12.  It’s time to celebrate you. Create a ritual whereby you celebrate every achievement no matter how small each day or week. Keep a list of all past achievements on hand so you can go back over them and remind yourself how great you are. A jar or word/excel document can be useful for this. If you have difficulty with this exercise, ask a friends you trust to help you or imagine yourself as your own friend what would that friend say about you?
13. You have to commit to you. The answer to question 7 above, being ready to commit to make changes, has to be a resounding yes. A new committment to putting yourself first, letting go of the guilt or any shame that might elicit. Make a committment statement to loving yourself more out of the following:
    “I commit to loving myself fully, now and in the future. I commit to no longer settling for anything less than self-love. Respect for myself. Plus love and total respect from others.
    I commit to seeing myself as the extraordinary person I know I am.”                                                                                 Sign and date this. Keep it where you will see it everyday.

The most important work you will ever undertake is to love yourself fully. Begin right now to commit over and over again to be in your own corner.

Promote Self-Love Acts

Physically:

• Reclaim your body exercises such as those in Peter Levine’s book.
• Get a massage
• Cover yourself in a soft blanket
• Any form of exercise
• Have a daily skin care routine
• Have a spa day

Things for you to do/try:

• Therapy, if needed
• Try to do random acts of kindness for others, it does boost your self-confidence and self-love feelings
• Make sure to schedule your day.  Don’t have any more than 3 priorities per day. If it’s over this amount review your priorities.
• Delegate things back to others if it’s their job, or ask for help in completing tasks.
• Declutter, having rooms full of things can feel overwhelming and depressing. Start small and build from there.
•  Have cleaning routine to keep on top of things each week. Keeping your home clean does help lift your spirits too.
• Go outside everyday for at least 10 minutes. Whether to meet friends and family or just to enjoy a walk.
• Treats and Rewards: give these on a regular basis to yourself. Treats are free or low costing and given daily. Rewards are given at the end of a project and may cost some money. Never withhold either even if a project is incomplete or late.

Nurture Time Alone:

• Meditation
• Hobbies
• Relaxing activities of any kind

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.