Why Do We Feel Guilty?

Remember, feeling guilty, fearful and worried as a parent is perfectly normal. Everyone who is a parent, no matter how old your children get, will relate to your guilt, worry and fear.

In this day of social media, we as parents are under greater pressure more than ever before and everyone always seems to have an opinion on your parenting skills. We have become a society addicted to posting the “right” shot of our kids and our “happy” family. We have bought into this false sense of reality.

But guess what, no one is perfect. Neither are there any perfect families out there. It can be so easy to get caught up in this false sense of reality that we end up feeling guilty all the time as a parent. Parenting is after all part of our identity and if anything goes wrong, or is perceived as such, it can feel like we are the failures somehow.

I’ve never met a parent who didn’t have a sense of guilt, worry or fear about how they are raising their children. In fact, this sense of guilt (worry and fear) is actually a sign of our strong attachment and commitment to what is best for our child.

Of course, sometimes that sense of guilt can grow out of proportion as does the anxiety, worry or fear. If you have had a baby in the past few months (mum or dad) please check in with your GP as postnatal depression could be present. And don’t forget too little guilt, worry or fear can be a problem too.

So What Can You Do To Help Yourself?

Well, you’re doing it right now by taking charge and reading this post. The next thing to do is understand why we have it, and more importantly, how it drives our choices and actions in our role as a parent.

Guilt is an emotion and like all emotions, it’s okay to have them. Guilt tries to tell us something is wrong and needs to be corrected. It arises when we become aware of failing to be the best we could have been for our children. It comes and goes and can be mild or debilitating.

If guilt isn’t faced it will turn into shame. Which will bring on a feeling of worthlessness and a negative sense of self. Guilt can healed and be resolved with compassion and time. It lessens when shared out in the open and with understanding.

So What Do Most Parents Feel Guilty About?

These are the top comments often said by parents who feel guilty. Some are in the mild range and some are destructive in thought or action.

Can you identify with any of these?

1. I wasn’t there enough.
2.  I didn’t listen.
3.  I was too focused on the house and work.
4. I wasn’t affectionate enough.
5. I was critical.
6. I yelled, hit, and blamed.
7. I was a bad role model.
8. I didn’t take the time to understand my children.
9.  I wasn’t consistent.
10. I pushed too hard.
11.  I didn’t push enough.
12. I spanked.
13.  I drank.
14. I was caught up with someone else’s addiction.
15.  I was depressed.
16. I fought with my children’s dad or mom.
17.  I got divorced.
18. I said hurtful things.
19. I was selfish.
20.  I ignored my child.
21.  I didn’t protect my children.

What Happens When Guilt Becomes Destructive?

It is normal to have some guilt. But when it becomes a chronic and then develops into shame it becomes toxic for us. So much so that one thought can fuel more obsessive thoughts, so that one simple mistake is no longer just a simple mistake.

Our thought process is so skewed towards guilt and shame that the original thought is no longer connected to a specific mistake or regrettable action. But rather something much bigger that holds us captive in a negative cycle. 

Parents can become stuck in their pain they may be unwittingly creating more serious problems for themselves and even their children. When parent’s feel guilty they react in a variety of ways to cope with their pain. They may not even be aware of what they are doing and may not realize they are creating a sense of “not being good enough” in their child also.

For most parents this will never occur and you shouldn’t worry about it. I only mention it here so you are aware of the destructive nature of guilt if it is not dealt with appropriately.

Your Experiences Of Guilt As A Child Will Influence Your Parenting.

If you have experienced a painful childhood you may need to access therapy to help you deal with your guilt (fear/worry). It could be fuelled by your own feelings of not being good enough.

Your boundaries as an individual are skewed and these need to be addressed first. You may have given yourself a raw deal here in regards to perfectionism. As you will be driven to give your child the “perfect” pain-free childhood you never had. Have some compassion for yourself, get some help and let go of this false sense of perfectionism, please for your child’s sake.

Children need some challenges and frustrations to become healthy functioning adults. So they need you to trust them and model appropriate healthy boundaries. You can’t control everything in your child’s life 100% of the time. This will only feed the unnecessary worry, anxiety, guilt and fears you may have developed.

The Silver Lining About Guilt.

This is to always remember no one is perfect and neither is parenting. If you get stuck in the guilt/shame or worry/fear cycles you can break them.

Children learn from all our and their life experiences and if you change they will see this as a positive and healthy step to take. You are modelling a good life lesson for them here. That change is possible and it can be very healthy to do.

What Can Be Done To Reduce Your Guilt?

1. You’re not alone in feeling guilty, all parents do.
2. Know that it’s okay to not be “perfect”, in fact, there is no such thing!
3. If you’re suffering from PND then you need to see your therapist to help you with worry, guilt, anxiety and depression symptoms. PND will make the guilt worse.
4. Take up some form of meditation, self-care and actively reduce your stress levels. Click the links to get some specific tips.
5. Make sure you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself and in your relationship. Get help with this if you don’t know how.
6. Delete what you have no control over, if it’s out of your control, you really have to let it go and work with what you can control. Reviewing your priorities can reduce your stress levels hugely when you do.
7. Recognise why you feel guilty. Is it triggered by something you have actually done? Or is it because you don’t feel good enough? Begin by recognising what triggers your guilt. 
8. Then you can begin to acknowledge the guilt and see what you can do to change it. If you don’t know why you are feeling guilty, write out what is going on in one situation at a time. Write down: How you are reacting to the situation? What are you feeling about the situation? Now you need to analyse your thoughts on this situation. Are they rational? Is this out of your control? Can you change anything you are doing? Remember you can’t change anyone else or their behaviour. But also remember you are human so cut yourself some slack here. Be compassionate and forgiving towards yourself as you would a friend. 
9. Pause before you react, no knee-jerk reactions needed. This is where the meditation, reviewing your priorities and stress reduction comes into their own. As they will help you slow down enough to notice your reactions and leave you with a clearer mind when it’s not cluttered up with so much to do.
10. If you did something wrong, admit it and apologise. Learn from your mistake and move on from it. Don’t allow that mistake to consume every interaction you have with your children from now on.
11. Find practical solutions to the big things that make you feel guilty. There is no shame in asking for help from others too, family, friends, your partner and others in your positive support system.
12. If you’re a working parent know that yes you will feel guilty, it’s normal. You’ll miss things like games, concerts etc. It happens and it can’t be helped. Make sure that your child still has someone special for them in the audience. This person could be another parent or family member and they can record the event for you to watch later with your child. Your home will never be spotless as long as you have kids. Even when you’re a stay at home parent. So don’t worry, you’re not the only one. You lose every time you compare yourself or your children to others. There’s no winning this game of comparisons. Your kids will understand, as long as you’re not a workaholic and then it’s time for therapy. Forgive yourself, change behaviour if you need to but find compassion for yourself too, you’re not a superhero!
13. If you feel guilty because of work-life balance. Then first off reverse your thinking and make it life/work balance. Next, try some new solutions, like asking for flexi-time or combining business travel with a holiday. If you feel like you’re not getting in enough quality time, try setting aside an hour or so when you focus completely on your children, playing whatever games they choose, etc.
14. If you are a parent of a special needs child yes you too will feel guilty. This is a hard one for any parent so please seek help from a therapist to help you let go of this guilt. Guilt can eat you alive. Beware of that and get support from other parents in the same situation will help. This will help empower you and help you feel like you’re more proactive in your child’s life/condition. I have a separate blog post on guilt and SN parenting.
15. If you’re a single parent you will feel guilty also. Remember you are trying to do the job of two parents. So give yourself a break.
16. Resolve to let some things go. Kids will always push boundaries so decide what you want to battle over. So what if they don’t have matching socks one day. Or whatever it is you’re spending time in your head worrying about. It won’t kill them. They’ll be fine and would rather have you spending time with them than staying in your head all the time or cleaning the house all the time or making things so “perfect” in your eyes.
17. If you were not “parented” very well (abuse or neglect). Or if you feel how your parents raised you wasn’t how you would like to raise your child. Then reading books on parenting and take a course in parenting will help. Getting support and therapy for how you were treated will also help you to overcome how you feel. The therapist will also help reassure you that you are parenting your child correctly.

Work With Me

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advise you to reach out for counseling if you, or a loved one, need it.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.