I found it increasing hard to write this week’s blog. As a mum of disabled children it brought up so many memories for me. Some of those memories are very hard even today. But there are also a great number of good ones.

Raising a disabled child does take its toll on your mental and physical health. There are no two ways about that. The research for years has for years highlighted the implications for parents, siblings and extended family members. But that information is rarely given to those affected.

The Implications For Families With A Disabled Child.

I’ve previously talked about how having a disabled child can have huge implications for the family. These implications could be categorized as being physical, emotional and financial. Each category has a profound effect on all family members, including extended family, but none so more than the parents and siblings.

The increased stress alone takes is a huge toll on the parents mental and physical health. Add to that the increased risk of depression, anxiety and burnout. We have to ask why the research isn’t being highlighted to the families. Perhaps like so much else with disability as parents we have to search for the information ourselves.

As we learn more about our child’s diagnosis we realise just how powerful information can be. So get informed and use that information to help your whole family. That includes you as a parent you need support as well. It isn’t and shouldn’t be just about your child and their disability.

So like so many of my blogs on my website I want to highlight some of that information for parents. I been there and worn the t-shirt over the last number of decades. Even as I got myself education about my children’s disabilities the lack of information about the mental and physical health tolls really didn’t help me.

It became another obstacle in a long list I had to overcome. My time and energy was needed elsewhere not focusing on my mental or physical health. There were other battles that were fought. Battle grounds where we as a family had to fight for every inch. We won our strips on those battle grounds down those decades.

My question to you is should any family have to do these battles? Surely information and supports should be more readily available for every family that needs it. Unfortunately that is still not the case. But I’m digressing from the topic of this blog.

What Mental Health Issues Do Parents Face?

For any parent we all know the emotional rollercoaster of raising a child. But for parents of a disabled child that rollercoaster can be very steep and sharp at times. I’m not saying that we would do anything to change what has happened. But it can be very tough going at times fighting for everything.

We are our child’s main advocate and carer. But no one can keep going forever fighting for rights and entitlements that their child’s is entitled to under the law. All has its toll on our mental and physical health as we do have tendency to neglect ourselves. It isn’t done deliberately at all. We just don’t have much time left for ourselves. No wonder our mental health takes a number of blows.

So what are some of the emotional and mental health challenges faced by parents?

Increased stress levels.

All the increased pressures from taking care of the child, to the extra financial costs, to fight battles with government departments takes its toll. They all add to the stress parents and families are under. Not to mention the lack of supports, stigma and a lack of understanding from the community, or other family members, all adds up. It is hard not to get increasing more stressed.

Burnout

If we continue giving, giving, giving we do reach burnout. It certainly isn’t a place you want to reach. But so many parents do end up burnt out. It is something that is perhaps not talked about enough. The increased stress will certainly help us go there perhaps faster than others. But we too can be our own worst enemies here. Not taking time out, asking for help, will contribute. Most likely born out of our feelings of guilt and failure we might be seen as parents.

We also know that parents of special needs children are at increased risk of developing depression and anxiety. Again not surprisingly because of all of the implications of raising a disabled child they have to face.

It’s so important to not follow my example and reach burnout before you accept help. Yes your emotions will get in your way but its okay to take some time out for yourself. In fact it’s vital. I’ve listed some ways you can help yourself in previous blogs that I’ve highlighted above and below.

My first piece of advice is to talk to a therapist.

It will help stave off the increased risks of stress, depression and anxiety. Now I know some of you may protest at this advice but here me out. Going to a therapist isn’t admitting you cannot cope or any kind of defeat here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support and that is what we need to start seeing a therapist as being. One of our positive supporters and we definitely need plenty of those.

Not only will a therapist be able to help with reducing your stress but they can also help you come to terms with your child’s diagnosis. That can be hard to do at first. It involves going through the grieving process and that needs the support of a professional. A long list of feelings and emotions can also be experienced.

Feeling alone and isolated.

As most of the caring falls to us as parents it can become very isolating. It’s pretty hard to get outside the home or even get five minutes to yourself most days. The feelings of isolation are not helped when we don’t reach out to others.

Whether we reach out to a family member, friend, or other parents, it does matter. It will help decrease the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I know lots of parents in the PWD (people with disabilities) community are using social media to help combat the isolation and loneliness. So do try and reach out even online.

Guilt can be a huge stumbling block.

Guilt I know thee well. Guilt can be one emotion that keeps us tied up in knots for decades. I’ve already written extensively about guilt and all that it entails as a parent of a special needs child in a previous blog.

We can feel guilty for a wide variety of things as parents. It was our fault our child is disabled. Most causes of disability are unknown but it can be a huge stumbling block for many parents to overcome. Therapy and talking to other parents of special needs children is really the only way to overcome this one.

As parents we feel guilty for doing too little when nothing can be further from the truth. We feel guilty for doing too much, decisions we are making and not spending time with other children, family or friends.  The guilt list is endless and we really need to let it go. We have to realize we are doing our best. In fact I know you are probably doing a hell of a lot more.

Getting realistic about what we can do, and control, will also help here. There is really only so much one person can do and take on. Asking for support shouldn’t be seen as a failure and cause for guilty feelings. We simply cannot do everything that is needed here alone so please ask for support from your positive supporters list.

Anger is allowed.

Acknowledging how angry you are doesn’t make you a bad parent. You will feel angry at different times. It is part of the grieving process you will go through when you receive your child’s diagnosis. It’ll raise its head during those times when you have to battle yet again. There will be days when we question why me?

All of this is perfect normally and understandable given the situation. Again acknowledging and having a healthy outlet for your anger is vital. Just like all other emotions anger is neither positive nor negative. It just is what it is. It’s what we do in response to our anger that makes it negative.

Talking through our feelings help us to let them go and feel supported while doing so. It allows us to put things back in perspective. Journaling them out and using appropriate anger management techniques will also help. Remember this will pass and you are not alone in feeling how you do.

Feeling helpless.

Another one that will come and go over the years is feeling helpless. There is really only so much we can control but we will always try to do more. The first time this one raises its head is about the time your child gets a diagnosis. Or sometimes before you get the diagnosis as you know that something is wrong but you don’t know what. It can be unusual to get a diagnosis and no other information, but it does happen.

Another time we feel helplessness coming on is when we are faced with all the red tape. At times what can feel like unnecessary battles we have to face can of course leave us feeling helpless.

Not understanding how we can help our child as a parent can leave us feeling pretty helpless. Turning over our care to someone else can make us feel helpless also. But the more we understand  and get informed about our child’s diagnosis the less this feeling will take hold. So get informed and talk to other parents in the PWD community.

Join support groups online, nationally and locally if you can. Those supports will help us deal better with all our feelings. We need to understand that our own inner critic will always make our thoughts and emotions far worse. A therapist can help you with this and you can check out my blog on dealing with negative self-talk.

Jealousy is one we don’t like to talk about.

Yes it’s okay to admit you are jealous of other families. There so called “normal life”. When we feel stressed out, exhausted, frustrated of course we are going to feel jealous. Then we feel guilty for thinking and feeling that way. Guess what? We are all human and it’s okay to experience the full range of every emotion.

Allow yourself to feel the jealousy. Rant and rave about it to a therapist or positive supporter. Allow yourself to get it out just like the anger and fear otherwise the guilt you use to shove it down will only become toxic and damage your mental health further.

Feeling and thinking about our fears can be difficult.

Fears, there will be plenty to go around. Whether that is your fear of not being able to cope or the fear of the future for your child, it all adds up. Talking about these common fears with someone who has been there and done that really helps. So reach out to other parents in the PWD community will help ease those fears.

There may be times when your fears change. This can happen as your child, and you, grow older. Friends we make in the PWD community again can help. They have all faced the fears you have right now and that in and of itself brings its own comfort. But sometimes we need extra support. A therapist can help you put things in perspective and realize that you are doing the best you can right now.

Other professionals can also offer advice whether that is setting things up for the here and now or for the future. Although you cannot plan for every eventuality there is some reassurance we get from having some form of plan in place.

Remember it isn’t all negative. We gain so much raising our children, I know I certainly have. I have a number of blogs on a variety of disabilities and support groups where you can gain further support for your family. So do check them out here.

Reach Out For Support.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advice you make sure you create a positive support system before you start to make any changes in your life. One part of that positive support system is working a therapist. Please reach out to a local therapist if you need to.

My Workbooks

I offer a variety of tips and discuss a range of topics in my workbooks The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, Moving Towards Self-forgiveness, The Little Book Of Reflection And Gratitude and Building Acceptance Into Your Life. You can purchase them on Amazon or here.