Understanding aggressive behaviour in children requires a parent to become somewhat of a detective in their child’s lives. Aggressive behaviour may have multiple causes ranging from psychiatric conditions, disabilities, medical problems or life circumstances at it’s root.

You Know Your Child Best.

A parent will know their child best of all and can judge whether they need professional support with this behaviour or it is simply something they can deal with alone (see tips below). Before the age of 7 it is a normal part of life for a child to express their fears, frustrations and inability to communicate their emotions as a form of aggression.

Possible Causes Of Aggressive Behaviour In Children.

As a parent we deal with a continuous array of tantrums, meltdowns, outbursts. I won’t break these down in any great detail here. But as a parent it is important you realise the possibility that aggression may occur with, or is one of the first symptoms of, some conditions.

As a parent myself I would advise you not to get hung up on some of these conditions. But instead trust your gut instinct and investigate further. One note of caution: If at any stage you feel there is something going on speak to your GP. Or if you are not happy with a diagnoses then always see a second opinion.

Remember too, we too had to learn emotional regulation and this is a skill that we as parents need to teach our children. Some children learn this skill quicker than others. So time and patience may be needed from you.

Possible Causes Can Include

1. Mood disorders: such as children developing Bi-polar can become aggressive. Symptoms may cause them to lose self-control and become impulsive.
2. Depression: children with depression can become irritable, frustrated and lash out.
3. Psychotic illnesses can manifest with aggression due to the child responding to internal stimuli that has become disturbing. An example of this type of illness would be schizophrenia.
4. Disabilities: Frustration, anxiety, depression, impulsivity can all manifest as aggression in children with some disabilities. Examples of these would be ADHD and Autism where the child’s behaviours can be interpreted as aggression. Injuries or damage to the frontal lobe or certain types of epilepsy may also give rise to an organic reason for aggressive outbursts.
5. Communications difficulties for any child can lead to frustration that may also manifest as outbursts of aggressive behaviour.
6. Trauma and stressors in a child’s life can lead to aggressive behaviour. So if a child has gone through some form of trauma, or if they are experiencing something stressful (or you are) it may take the form of aggression.
7. School difficulties can also be expressed in a negative way. If a child is struggling academically, being bullied, they can express their frustrations in an aggressive manner.

This is not an inclusive list of causes. This is why we should investigate the root cause of our own child’s behaviours.

Not All Children Learn At The Same Pace.

In general a child by the age of 7 should have enough verbal skills to communicate their emotions and feelings to you. Therefore aggression should have tapered off. But you have to judge your own child’s abilities here. Please remember each child learns at their own pace and within their own abilities.

Of course children will still fight and lash out at one another from time to time still. Still with your guidance this will ease as they get older. If this is not happening, or you have other concerns, then reaching out and seeking professional advise is advisable.

How To Help Your Child Deal With Aggression.

Some ideas on how you can help your child deal aggression.

Stay calm

If your child is having a tantrum, meltdown or an aggressive outburst then you need to remain calm. If you meet emotions with more emotion it will only increase the child’s aggressive behaviour.

Be consistent with discipline and house rules.

As children get older they should be included in setting house rules and consequences. You also have to play your part and be consistent in your responses. So if your toddler is allowed to kick, bite, break things one day without consequences and is screamed at the next day for doing something similar, then they will become very confused about the rules.

Firm and fair discipline is what is need. Children need rules that help them learn and grow in to responsible young adults. Make sure that they realise any bad behaviour outside of the home will result in discipline at home too. So if they get in trouble for aggressive behaviour in school then you will also punish them appropriately at home also.

Model appropriate behaviours as a parent.

How you handle conflict as a couple or with other people will be reflected in how your child acts in a similar situation. Ask yourself this:

1. How do I handle conflict?
2. Or stresses in my life?
3. Do I use appropriate positive coping skills such as taking time out to calm down if I need to?

Brainstorm this as a couple and come up with a different approach if you need to. Or ask for help with anger management if you need it.

Become aware of any patterns your child may have.

This is where you need to be a detective and investigate. Ask yourself what is the behaviour you are seeing here and how am I reacting to it? This is maybe a starting point. But also understanding how your child reacts to being in certain situations. How they react to being tired, lonely, hungry or angry. You can then help them understand how to deal with their emotions.

Don’t give in

Tempting as it is at times, don’t give in to tantrums, meltdown or aggressive behaviour as it will only reinforce inappropriate behaviour. A child needs to learn self-control. This is not an innate ability. They need your guidance to learn how to express their emotions appropriately and to think about their actions before acting on impulse.

Set goals that reward good behaviour.

When you are aware of the patterns you can set goals that help reward good behaviour and small achievements instead. So if mornings are a time when your child kicks off with a tantrum, making a small change to their routine is may be needed.

Even when they do something ordinary make sure to praise them. Don’t feel you are offering praise just for the sake of it here. What you are doing is encouraging them in the right direction with their behaviour instead.

They need and want your approval and recognition most of all. Not just treats and prizes. Treats and prizes, if offered, should be appropriate to the child and their interests. These could also include spending some special time with you alone if you have more than one child. Again brainstorm ideas for rewards with older children and if you promise something deliver it!

Communicate with other caregivers, family members or teachers

You need to do this firstly to find out what is going on with your child when you are not around. Then secondly so they can be consistent in how they handle any outbursts from your child. Everyone involved with your child should work together to help your child succeed.

Make time to talk to them and most importantly listen to their responses.

By doing this you are conveying so many messages including how important they are as an individual and boosting self-esteem which may be low. You are modelling good communications skills as well. This is an invaluable tool to help them express their emotions and feelings instead of using aggression.

Help them to name how they are feeling.

In conjunction to the above suggestion help them realise and name what they are feeling. This can be tough even for adults to do. But with practice it is a skill we can learn. This will also help validate how they are feeling and encourages them to communicate with you (or others) instead of resorting to violent outbursts.

So you could say “I see you are angry right now, do you want to talk about it?” You might need to remove them from the situations first and give them a time out to calm down first before you have a conversation with them.

Remember give them time to respond. Stay calm and don’t just react to what they say, particularly with an older child or teen as they may shut down. You want them to open up to you and they are feeling very vulnerable after their outburst.

Offer them comfort.

As I said we can feel very vulnerable after we express strong emotions such as anger. This can be very frightening to your child no matter their age. Reassure them, never underestimate the power of a hug here. Allow them time to talk about why they acted as they did and if you punish them for the behaviour make sure they understand the reason they are being punished.

Give them an outlet for their emotions

This can be sports, walking, music, art, writing etc. Encourage them to let off steam by stomping their feet, punching a cushion or pillow, pounding some play-dough, kicking a ball against a wall, screaming into a pillow, wall pushing and visualisation techniques as they get older. Talk to them about how you cope and let off steam. Perhaps brainstorm with older children some ideas they could find useful.

Remember This May Take Time.

If you are changing your own behaviour or parenting style be patient with yourself and your child. You will come up against obstacles but with patience and consistence it will change. If your child is struggling remember it takes time to learn a new skill. Again your patience, rewarding small milestones, your love and time is what is needed for your child to succeed.

Asking For Help Is Not Admitting Failure, It Means You Are A Great Parent.

If you are facing an unmanageable situation you are not alone. Asking for help is not a failure on your part. Instead it says you only want what is best for your child. Please reach out to your GP or main doctor. They can refer you and your child to appropriate services locally. Getting this extra professional support can turn a difficult situation around extremely quickly and successfully for your family.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.