Warning: If you have been raised in an authoritarian home you might find reading this blog upsetting. It may cause flashbacks also. If you find this is the case then please use discretion, stop reading and reach out for professional support.

Have you ever wondered what the consequences were for you if you were raised by a parent that was too strict? Parents who are very strict on their children are considered authoritarian parents. Researchers have identified a number of parenting styles:  Authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, helicopter and uninvolved parenting styles.

The above list is by no means all-inclusive and each of these styles of parenting have a different approach to raising children. Sometimes parents don’t fit neatly into one particular style but may move between two or more. But if you can identify with most of what I discuss in this blog you could say your parent used a predominately authoritarian style.

Characteristics You May Have Noticed When Raised By An Authoritarian Parent.

The following are some of the common characteristics you might have experienced as a child. The list is by no means complete.

1. There were lots of rules with no exceptions allowed. In other words authoritarian parents operate a zero tolerance policy. There were a lot of restrictions placed on the child. Expectations are very high and sometimes the expectations bar kept getting higher and higher. Yes children need rules and guidance but we also need to evaluate the circumstances.
2. There was no room for fun or any patience for silliness, the focus is all about learning. Children need fun and to act silly, it’s part of growing up and development. But in an authoritarian style home there is no room for silly behaviour or fun. Children’s time is highly structured with little or no time for some downtime.
3. You might have learnt to lie to keep from getting punished for the slightest infraction of the rules. Yes children can lie from time to time. But if the house rules are harsh then they become very good liars to avoid punishment. There is also no room to learn from natural consequences for making mistakes. Any mistakes made, as I said, were severely punished often through the use of violence.
4. Constant criticism, nagging, guilt and shame were used to control the child. Nothing seemed ever good enough so you received the message you were not good enough. Toxic shame and guilt was used alongside nagging and criticism to get you to do things “appropriately”. You were told when, where, what and how to do everything ranging from school work, grades, activities, etc. So there was no room to learn how to take responsibility. You may have started to tune out your parent(s) from a young age.
5. No praise was received for how well you did just the outcome. So the praise was for straight A’s anything less was unacceptable. Winning awards, achievements and high grades are all that matter. This can develop issues such as people pleasing and perfectionism are common features as a result.
6. There were no choices allowed. What you were bought or received was never your choice. Authoritarian parents are not known as drill sergeants for nothing. Orders are barked out and with no freedom to choose. How can a child gain confidence in their ability to make decisions later in life.
7. You might have heard others constantly criticized. This could range from family members, your parent’s friends, your friends, their employer or employees, your school, teacher, etc. No one was spared. No one seemed good enough. Their standards never met your parent(s) expectations. These people weren’t capable of handling different situations correctly. This can be very negative to listen to on a number of levels for a child.

Affects On Adults Mental Health If Raised In An Authoritarian Home.

Research has shown that any parenting style can affect everything about a child’s mental and physical development, from weight to emotional well-being. So if you were raised in a strict home then it’s important to realize that your physical and mental health may have suffered.

Children who grow up within an authoritarian environment will follow the rules most of the time. But this will come at a cost. This could be in terms of being people pleasers, perfectionists and they will probably have low self-esteem. They will have unhealthy boundaries and higher levels of stress.

These adults may have problems coping with their anger and may become hostile and aggressive more easily. They can get caught up in the anger they feel towards their parent.

As adults they may struggle to take responsibility and try to shift the blame on to others as they fear being punished. They are higher risk for developing mental health problems including addiction, anxiety, depression, etc.

Self-Help For Adults Raised In An Authoritarian Parenting Style Home.

As an adult you will need the support of a trained therapist. Any issues you may have will need specialist tailored support. These can include counseling for boundaries issues. Plus help dealing with any stress, anger and anxiety issues. Treatment programs, and/or group support, for any substance abuse issues.

It may not have been all bad at home as you could have had the support of your other parent or a teacher. This has been commonly reported in therapy by adults who were raised in strict homes. But you still need support. Please don’t wait long to reach out for help. Reaching out is the first step in taking responsibility for ourselves in a healthy manner.

It isn’t until a crisis happens that we realize something is wrong. Or that we have a mental health or substance abuse issue that we reach out for support with. There are some things you can do to help and these can be done in conjunction with therapy also.

1. See your GP or main doctor for help. They can be an important first port of call and support in changing your life around.
2. Make sure you start to set healthy boundarieswith yourself as much as you can. Then start setting them with others. You will have to face conflict and deal with negative people and thinking. It can be very difficult for you to deal with difficult people as a result of your upbringing.  Therapy and support will help you do just that and is why it is vital you reach out for help. Click on the links highlighted in this section they will get you started with some of these issues.
3. Have some compassionfor yourself. Remember you are doing the best you can at present with the tools you were given. You are capable of making those changes and learning new ways of coping. Start to build your self-confidence and trust in yourself. Again if you click on the links they will provide you with specific steps you can take here.
4. Make sure you are looking after yourself in a healthy manner. That means you need to take responsibility for your own basic self-care, time-managementand follow through on commitments and responsibilities.

Work With Me.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.