What Is Sibling Rivalry?

I’ve covered sibling rivalry in children in a previous blog you can find here. But a simple definition of what sibling rivalry is about is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters.

When we hear about sibling rivalry we often think of children acting as I’ve outlined above with fighting, jealousy and competition going on. But unfortunately it may last well into adulthood and for as long as the people involved live. It can start even before the new sibling is born, while the mother is pregnant or waiting to adopt a child, and continue unless steps are taken to overcome it.

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Happen?

Sibling rivalry doesn’t just appear out of thin air, our environment in which we grew up does play a large part. Remember, sibling rivalry isn’t inevitable though, so parents can help their children move beyond this type of competition, jealousy and fighting and I outline some ways you can do just that here.

So why could sibling rivalry occur and continue in to adulthood? As I said it usually starts in childhood with parents either not being aware of what is causing the issues or because of neglect or/and abuse in the home. If the parents can move the children out of this type of behaviour it usually stops but if they don’t it may continue.

So what is going on in the minds of these siblings?

The Child Feels Threatened.

A new sibling can feel threatening to the other sibling. A new sibling tends to get a lot of attention as well in the beginning. The child can feel like they have to compete for the parent’s attention and love. They may feel fearful they are losing that love or they won’t be cared for in the same way by the parents.

It is of course up to the parents to soothe the child’s worries and concerns here. But if that doesn’t happen then the child will grow up still feeling threatened by the other sibling(s).

The Child Develops Feelings of Inequality.

This can often occur when the child feels that they are not being praised, punished or cared for equally within the home. The child thus develops feelings of insecurity as a result. Now this could be an actual reality for the child, where a parent does prefer one child over another or because of childhood neglect and abuse.

Parents need to monitor their own behaviour to be sure they are treating all their children equally if they want to avoid this happening to their children.

The Rivalry Develops As The Child Develops In To An Individual In Their Own Right

As children grow up they develop their own likes and dislikes, strengths and talents. They will learn how to communicate these within the family and to outsiders. There are two things that can cause sibling rivalry to develop here.

Firstly if these preferences, talents or strengths are in contradiction to the rest of the family parents may encourage sibling rivalry in order to get the child to conform. Secondly if sibling rivalry is present already these shows of talents, likes, etc., can lead to one sibling making fun of the other’s preferences.

This kind of “poking fun at” can also turn violent, leading one sibling to dominate the other(s), or to use passive-aggressive means to “get at” the other sibling(s).

We need to be also aware that sometimes it may be the sibling who feels they are not being heard can be  the one who finds ways to get back at the other sibling(s) also.

Not Being Able To Achieve What Other Sibling(s) Can.

This can start out as developmental differences in childhood. Children don’t understand that they may not be able to do something as quickly or easily as another sibling. They will do so in their own time or may have different talents and strengths than their siblings.

But this can lead to them feeling inadequate as children. If not handled properly by the parents, if they encourage childhood jealousy and competition, this may develop further. The child grows up feeling discouraged, inadequate and not even realising that their talents as valuable as their siblings.

Other Reasons

The siblings may not know any alternative method to deal with one another.

The children’s basic physical needs were not met by the parents, i.e. not enough food, water, shelter, clothing etc.

Physical or emotional abuse or neglect by the parents.

What Are The Signs Of Sibling Rivalry In Adults?

Siblings can continue the rivalry that started in childhood right up until they die or they take active steps to remedy it. But what are some of the signs of rivalry among adult siblings?

• Jealousy and envy of sibling’s success.
• Competition with siblings even in adulthood, i.e. trying to outdo the other sibling. One up man ship type of behaviour may also occur.
• Dwelling on, and over analysing, the past and any previous hurts caused in childhood. The sibling is stuck in the past; this will require counselling to be overcome. They may still talk often about how horrible it was to grow up with the sibling.
• Still trying to get the parent’s attention or win the parent over to their side.
• Not seeing the other sibling as an adult in the present moment, so talking to them like they are a child or dismissing their opinions as a result. Perhaps not even consulting them in relation to joint family decisions.
• Bragging about their great life, spouse, partner, work, friends, home, etc. In order to make sibling feel inadequate or as above to get one up on their sibling.
• Describing a sibling as an enemy. Perhaps even treating them as such, using violent behaviours, over stepping boundaries, passive-aggressive comments, etc.
• Persistent interfering in the other sibling’s lives.

What Are The Long-Term Effects of Sibling Rivalry?

This kind of behaviour can have long lasting and devastating effects on siblings. One sibling who was verbally or physically abused by another can see effects in their adult relationships.

They may, as adults, feel rejected by their family, have identity and trust issues and judge others on how they were treated. They may not understand empathy, give and take in relationships and are unable to resolve or prevent conflicts. They may be socially handicapped because they didn’t learn how to interact in appropriate ways when they were children.

As you can imagine these adults have difficulties across all relationships from professional to romantic ones. They may also carry on their parent’s attitudes with their own children and set them up for similar sibling rivalry outcomes.

If of course you have found yourself in this situation and you feel you cannot move beyond what happened then a counsellor will be able to help. They can give you the necessary skills to overcome what happened and deal more appropriately with your other adult siblings in the present moment.

Other Ways You Can Help Yourself Deal With Adult Sibling Rivalry.

There are a few other things you can do to help yourself here if your sibling continues to see you as their rivalry.

Don’t engage with them.

Stop engaging with any sibling arguments, bragging rights, or make any nasty comments. Remember it does take two people to engage in this kind of behaviour.

Don’t accept bad behaviour.

If they violate a boundary, tell them clearly, you don’t have to use aggression, what they have done. State you will no longer put up with their behaviour and make it clear what the consequences are. Only you can decide what these will be.

But siblings engaged in this kind of behaviour usually won’t change on the first go around. In fact, they may not change at all and may engage other family members to cause the problem to become bigger when you do confront them. Be prepared for any kind of fallout if you do take a stand against them.

Others may simple stop, they may not be aware of what they were doing if this has gone on for a long time. If you are working with a counsellor talk this through thoroughly first before doing anything. They can be a great support here.

Sit down and have an adult conversation about what is going on.

It can be worthwhile doing this if you feel your sibling isn’t aware of what they are doing. Simply talking it through as adults can help improve the situation. But don’t expect them to change overnight either. You may need to remind them and have further conversations going forward.

But please be safe here and if you are working with a counsellor discuss it thoroughly with them first.

Concentrate on changing your own behaviour.

When we stop engaging and start focusing on ourselves we change the dance we do with others in our lives. What behaviours have you engaged in the past? Be honest with yourself here, it’s never one sided. Reach out and ask for help if you need to.

Ask yourself: How can I change so that I can improve my relationship with my siblings? Do I need to let this person go? Do I have preconceived notions from childhood about this person? Is it limiting my view of the person as they are now?  Sometimes we have to admit we can be stubborn here and haven’t moved on from childhood hurts. If this is the case then please, as I’ve said, ask for help.

Sibling rivalry doesn’t have to continue as we become adults. But we must remember we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.