A healthy relationship requires a number of things to happen in order for it to remain healthy. Both partners are required to: respect and trust each other, be honest with themselves and the other partner, and be supportive towards each other.

Another vital ingredient of healthy relationships is the ability to communicate in a healthy manner. A lot of problems within relationships tend to stem from miscommunication or unhealthy communication patterns. A part of healthy communication skills is the ability to express ourselves appropriately. When we fail to do so we set up ourselves, our partner and the relationship for failure. So why do we fail to express ourselves appropriately?

Why We Fail To Express Ourselves Appropriately.

There are a number of reasons why people fail to express themselves with others. These can occur because of past traumas as children or adult and/or fears we may have. I’ll discuss both of these here but we can also add cultural differences and language barriers. So please always check in with your partner about these issues as you get to know each other better.

People’s fear can cause huge problems for communicating clearly with others. These fears can stem from a number of things including our own thinking patterns. So a fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure or even success will come into play here. As will low self-esteem and a lack of trust. Basically people fail to express themselves appropriately when they are afraid what the outcome might be.

Our own thoughts really do get in the way. We may end up holding in the resentments and avoid the conflict as we see it as negative. We assume the worst might be the only outcome here instead of using healthy communication.

Some people do fear anger as they have only seen anger expressed in an unhealthy manner. Yes anger can feel all consuming and may be expressed in a negative manner. But if we learn how to communicate appropriately when we are angry then we can let go of this fear.

We simply don’t know how to ask for what we need and want.

Another common reason is because we simply don’t know how to ask for what we need and want. We fear we will be met with a negative response to our request. Or we will be seen as needy. Both of these fears will stem from our past. There are a few explanations for this. Firstly we were simply taught that we couldn’t ask for what we wanted or needed. Or secondly we were told what we wanted was selfish, unnecessary or was ignored.

As a result we learnt to hold in all our feelings, emotions, needs and wants. We learnt unhealthy boundaries were okay. Not a very good lesson to learn at any time in our lives. This is especially true for a child when their basic needs could have been dismissed. We probably don’t set healthy boundaries in other ways either, outside of our intimate relationship.

We need help to deal with this from a therapist. Learning to communicate effectively in our relationship and to set healthy boundaries can still be learnt at any stage. Yes, there are some things we can do for ourselves. But we also need to get to the root cause and heal the past trauma also.

How Can We Self-Help?

I’ve spoken before at length about the following self-help topics so please check them out.

1. Meet our own needs.
2. Learn to say no.
3. Learn to communicate in a health manner.
4. Reach out for support from a positive support system, including a therapist who can help with healing any past trauma.
5. Learn anger management and/or assertiveness skills with a therapist if needed.

If you click on the links on any of the above you will find information to that could help you.

My Book.

In my book, The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, I provide easy and quick strategies to get you back feeling rebalanced and more focus in your life. The book also includes all the worksheets you need to take you step by step through the process. You can purchase it on Amazon or through my website.