Life can have its ups and downs. During those downs we really need positive people who will understand, listen and support us more than ever. Giving and receiving that support is one of the basic needs we have as humans.

There are many benefits to having a strong support system in place in our lives including reducing stress, anxiety and depression. Part of that support system includes positive, supportive, friends. Those people we have adopted, like close family members. These are people we know will be there for us no matter what.

But why is it important to be choosy about those we consider our friends?

Toxic Friends, Who Needs Enemies When You Have Friends Like These?

Is every person in your life a real friend? Or are they the kind that does the “the lower you are, the better I feel about myself” kind of friendship. They build their own ego up by putting you down.

What about the ones who only meet up when it suits them and are never there when you need a real friend. Or they support you when you make them feel better about themselves. But once things go your way they can’t seem to support you.

What about the one that brings out the worst in you or your behaviour? You end up not liking who you are around them. In fact any of these people might even undermine or gossip about you behind your back. Why are we putting up with such unsupportive behaviour?

We tend to keep ourselves stuck in these types of “friendship”. Perhaps we don’t want to let someone down, we might have low self-esteem or they do fulfil a place in our lives.

So what are you getting out of these kinds of relationships? What role, or need, do they fulfil in your life? These are valid questions we have to ask if we are to let these “friends” go and move on with more healthy friendships.

Why is it so hard to let these people go from our lives?

Letting Go Of Negative “Friends”

Letting go of negative people can take a lot of courage. We can need some support and help to do this. You can read more about where to start in my blog on deleting negative people. A small pointer to get you started is to use the circle of trust.

Do You Know Who Is In Your Circle Of Trust And Who You Can Trust.

You don’t need to be friends with everyone you meet. It is certainly an unhealthy boundary to trust everyone straight off the bat also. Or to discuss your life in detail with everyone you know. Get use to using the circle of trust to help you distinguish who you let in and what you tell them about your life.

The circle of trust places different people we know either close to us near the centre of our circle of trust or further away in degrees. The closer a person is the more we should feel we can trust them and they will support us. Those further away are people we don’t really know or casual acquaintances. These people are not ones you know well enough to trust your most intimate secrets with nor are they likely to support you as fully as those closer to you.

Sometimes we can let people in without realizing it. It may take a little review to work out who is where on our circle of trust. 

What Do You Want From A Friendship?

We need to encourage a healthy relationship with friends. One based on our own values and healthy boundaries. We all know that life can get in the way of connecting with our friends especially as we try to raise children. But a strong friendship will weather this and conversations can be picked up even after some time apart.

It really isn’t the frequency with which we connect but that deeper sense of connection between us that make us friends. One based on a few qualities that all supportive and positive friendships require making them real. So what are these qualities?

Trust, The Solid Foundation For All Relationships.

If you don’t trust the other person then you are not friends. It is that simple. If they gossip about you, put you down or you can’t be straight with them, or they with you, then they are not your friend.

We need to feel we can truly trust the other person and we need to be authentic also. So we not only feel supported by this person but that we can also be our true selves with them. Remember though it’s a two way street. If you can’t be there for them, if you gossip or put them down, then don’t be surprised if they reciprocate or walk away.

Respect, Honesty And Equality Are More Foundation Stones For Any Friendship.

Friendships deepen over time. It takes time to get to really know someone. Another foundation stone to a real friendship is to have mutual respect for one another. If that is not there then there simply can’t be a healthy friendship between the two of you.

Respect your friend’s boundaries and remember their stories are not yours to share. Allow them the space to get to know you and you them. Remember some people need time to do this because they may have been hurt badly in the past. So give them the time and space they need to get to know you. Be there for them and support them just as you would like them to support you.

Honesty is another strong requirement for a friendship. That can mean having some difficult conversations at times. But this shouldn’t diminish your friendship but rather strengthen it.

Remember though there is time for diplomacy and tact, so don’t jump in and try to change them. It is not your job to fix anyone but yourself. That is simply not allowing your friend to be themselves; it’s not very accepting of you.

Another foundation stone that we can overlook is equality. Both parties should feel equal in the friendship. What they have to say is of equal importance to your opinion even when they disagree on something. They should feel they can speak up or challenge something they don’t agree about without feeling they will be put down. In a healthy friendship decisions can be made together and disagreements can be resolved with compromise.

Compassion, So Be Willing To Really Listen And Ditch The Judgment.

Having compassion is another requirement for a healthy friendship. It’s so important that our friends will be there for us and that they can empathize and have compassion in our time of need.

One way they can do that is to truly be willing to listen and ditch the judgment. Far too often we only hear half of what we are being told. We can train ourselves to only use social media as a means of connecting but friends need more than that. They need to feel listened to and more importantly heard.

We are all human and we make mistakes, real friends don’t judge each other. They resolve their differences and embrace each other’s choices. They most certainly ditch the judgment and want only what is best for us. Good communication is vital to this, so make sure you are using active listening and “I” statements in your skill set. If you have difficulties doing this remember it is never too late to learn.

If you and your friend have these qualities then you have a strong foundation your friendship. But remember none of us are perfect and we can all mess up at times. When this happens be willing to accept a sincere apology. Then be willing to do better together, all relationships require work and a friendship is no different. Be willing to try your best and your friendship will be stronger for it.

My Book.

In my book, The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, I provide easy and quick strategies to get you back feeling rebalanced and more focus in your life. The book also includes all the worksheets you need to take you step by step through the process. You can purchase it on Amazon or through my website.