When Did It All Go Wrong?

We live in world that can create a feeling of being constantly on trial. About how we look and who, or what, we should be. The images and information posted in the media puts pressure on us to buy into some pretty impossible dreams. We can easily get caught up in it all. Forgetting that the people depicted may have a whole team making them, and their lifestyle, look that way for the picture.

Alongside that computer programs are used that can touch-up the images. This aids the photos to be as perfect as possible and impossible for everyone else to replicate. Everyone can, and most do, post pictures daily of their “perfect” lives. This adds to the pressure we are placed under already. But why are we so interested in throwing away our true self?

Why are we so willing to accept that we should do this in the first place?

For many of us we received messages as children that we were not good enough. That we needed to change in so many ways to fit in. We began to believe that if we changed enough eventually someone would love us. Or see us as pretty. Or just acceptable in some way. What a message to receive as a child! It leaves us with a whole host of emotional baggage as adults. This is so abusive.

As we grew the messages expanded from home to the outside world. Along the way we lost the ability to just accept ourselves as who we really are. To end up feeling not good enough and buy into that message. Today we are constantly bombarded with the idea we still have to change in order to fit in.

In reality we have simply forgotten how perfect we already are. We seek out validation from external sources in an attempt to feel connected. To be part of something or to feel we are part of a tribe. Therefore any shortfalls we feel we may have are mitigated or eliminated by being included. We forget that there really it’s all just an illusion we were told we needed to accept. We are not to blame for this. It can be scary to let go of what we have known and stand up for our true selves.

How do you regain your acceptance of yourself?

It can be hard to let go of any false self we have adopted. This persona we have adopted in order to fit in with our colleagues, neighbours, friends and family. When we don’t feel accepted by ourselves we can pick up a number of very negative people along the way. But if family and close friends love us unconditionally they will accept us just as we are. They will support our changes and celebrate alongside us.

We have to decide firstly, if we really want change. Then secondly if we can we need to let go of the labels we have assumed. Labels can be good sometimes. But if one has a negative connotation for you, then you have to let it go. So if you have decided to step up to the challenge of re-learning to accept yourself, now what?

Get To Know Yourself Again.

When we lose ourselves it’s important to reconnect. It’s not just about your likes and dislikes. But about delving deeper into your thoughts, emotions, passions, and motivators, to find the real you. Journaling and meditation are great tools to use here.

The meditation opens us up to listening to our inner voice. To become more aware of what we are thinking and feeling. If we follow this by using a journal to make note of what these thoughts are we can begin to examine and reflect on them. Are they positive or negative? Who first told us this? Are just some of the questions we can ask.

You simply cannot disown or change your thinking, or even your life, if you are not aware of what needs to be changed. Getting to know ourselves allows us to build acceptance of ourselves. This includes all the bits we may not like but know we can change if we wish to. We can then let go of the false self. The one that was built by beliefs and thoughts we adopted and become a stronger self that serves the life we want.

Let Go Of The Need To Seek Outside Approval.

While growing up if you had to seek approval for what you did, or were under constant criticism, then of course you will seek approval from external sources as an adult. If you grew up in a home that was abusive or neglectful you will also do this. You simply never felt good enough.

But this leaves us open to long-term unhappiness. We can feel the need to people please, be co-dependent, and always feel like we are walking on eggshells around others. We seem to take on others responsibility, feel stressed, overworked and always on the bottom of our own to do list.

If we want to be more accepting then we need to let go of this need of seeking approval just to feel worthwhile. True happiness lies within. As is the validation of your worthiness. Inner validation is at the core of your being. It offers you positive thoughts and feelings and can be called upon at anytime.

Again, getting in touch with your inner self through meditation and journaling will help you reconnect with yourself. It will help you eliminate or minimize your inner critic. It also helps reduce your stress levels. Plus aid you in handing back other’s responsibilities. These will also be a good first step to take here. You can check out more on handing back other’s responsibilities in my book The Building Blocks of Self-care. 

Accept Where You Are Right Now Is Perfect.

Yes, life may not be the way you want it right now. But that doesn’t mean everything was, or is, wrong either. Recall some of the decisions you made or memories you have and see that you made the best decision you could at that time.

Hindsight is great, but don’t use it to beat yourself up. What happened, happened, accept that. It’s now time to move on and make better decisions based on what you want and know in your life now.

Learn to live in the now, using a 3 minute breathing meditation will help you learn to do this (podcast here). Using the phrase “One Day At A Time” can also help to have a centering affect when you feel off balance. Any affirmation can, it refocuses the mind and reminds us that we really only have this moment in time.

Make time for forgiveness work. Forgiving yourself first and foremost will make a hugely positive impact on your life. You will then be more open to forgiving others after that. There are two things you need to be aware of here. Firstly, forgiveness doesn’t require you to reconcile with the person or for them to ever say they are sorry. That can be a difficult step to take. Secondly, you never have to forgive anyone if you don’t want to. But if you hold on to grudges then it will eat you alive while the other person has long forgotten what happened and are living their life.

Make Time For Yourself First.

One of the simplest ways we can build self acceptance is to start by looking after ourselves first. This is not a narcissistic thing to do. Although if you have been a co-dependent/people pleaser your guilt will make you think you are being one.

Our basic self-care needs should be met every day. From this we can build the life we deserve. It will form the foundation of our life and self-acceptance. It will keep us balanced and help build our self-esteem and self-respect. Setting time aside for our self-care will teach us to set healthy boundaries. Maybe for the first time in our life. How can we treat others with a healthy sense of respect if we don’t treat ourselves with respect first?

When we have our basic needs met we are more comfortable with our life, mind and body as they are. We stop seeking happiness from external material and emotional sources as we have met our own needs first. I have a list of basic self-care needs here.

Learn To Ask For What You Want.

Not only will people treat you how you teach them to do, but they won’t know what  you need, or want, unless you ask. No one can read your mind. So if you are unclear about what you want in your life, then you won’t be clear in what you want to receive.

Take some time to explore your needs, wants and desires, as you get to know yourself. Engage in hobbies and interests and have some fun along the way. Meet up with positive friends and family members. Leave the negative ones alone from now on.

The next step is to then ask for what you want. But remember to ask yourself also. Make a list of things you can get, or give, to yourself. Then go and get them. As I’ve already said, make sure you have your basic self-care needs met first and move on from there.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Your partner or children can’t help out if you are always trying to be superwoman for them. It’s now time to hang up your red cloak. Yes children can do chores. You are teaching them how to look after themselves and their future home. The same goes for your friends, family, and in work. Ask for what you need and want from them too.

A good technique to try is visualization. Sit quietly for even 15 minutes and visualize what you want, what are your goals and dreams? Make a note of these in your journal and work out the steps you can take towards them. How can others help you?

Remember, its okay to be bold in working towards your dreams and goals in life. It is your life and no one else should ever dictate how you can live it. So be passionate about moving forward and asking for what you need.

Believe In Yourself!

As I’ve said it can be scary to change something in your life. But once you get beyond the fear you’ll wonder why you didn’t do sooner. A little self-belief will go a long way in this process. When we believe we can do something it changes our whole mindset. Believing in yourself can help you find the solution as it actually paves the way towards the solution.

Learn To Step Outside Of Your Comfort Zone.

Apart from doing some of the suggestions above I would also add in taking some steps to step outside of your comfort zone. You can use the steps and questions below to help you.

1. Identify your comfort zone first. What can you do already that feels okay or you do as part of your normal everyday to do list? Are there things here that other women wouldn’t be able to do? Look at all areas of your life: family, work, friends, health, spirituality, etc. What you are looking for here are ways in which you already succeed and that you do well. Most of the time we don’t even realize we are doing these things, we take ourselves for granted. It sometimes takes us making a list like this to realize we can and do succeed already in many areas of our life.
2. Find and Identify the edge of your comfort zone. What are the things you just about do? You may feel a little fear but you know you can still do them? Make a list of these. Again you are looking at what you fear but you can also see you have overcome this fear and succeeded.
3. List what you don’t feel confident in. This is the list you will work towards getting more confident in. Firstly are they things you really want to do? If they are not then you will sabotage yourself, so let these go. Now keep this list somewhere it’s easily accessible.
4. Identify what you can do within the next week to help you see you can do things that step you outside of your comfort zone. Yes this is the scary bit for most of us. Don’t take a big item off your to do list, you’ll only fail. Start small, as this will help you succeed in the future. Now plan it into you diary, yes even if it’s just speaking up at a meeting or saying hello to a complete stranger. Perhaps prepare something to say in advance and then make your contribution. Small actionable steps each day is what we are aiming at here.
5. Take time to notice what happened in response. Not just someone else’s response but how you felt. Don’t worry about looking stupid you’ll learn from what you did and how people responded to it. Journal it out and tackle any negative comments you hear coming up in your head. Really question them, don’t let these comments bully you into taking a step backwards.
6. Repeat. Now you have to do it all again. Remember small steps, so if any item on your to do is big break it down into manageable smaller steps. Ask for help if you need it sometimes we can gain a lot of confidence by simply asking for help.
7. Act as if. If you put off taking action until you have confidence, remember you’ll never do it. Psychology teaches us that when we change our behaviour we can also change our feelings. So by taking the small actionable steps above what is perceived as outward confidence will soon find itself turning inside to a true feeling of confidence.
8. Find a mentor. Most successful people have a mentor, someone they can confide in and ask for feedback from. This mentor won’t do the work for them but they do support and encourage them no matter what. You need this too. Find someone you can confide in, someone you know that won’t judge you, will give you good advice when asked for it and will support you no matter what.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.