We all make mistakes, after all we are human. We apologise when we need to, make amends, ask for forgiveness, forgive ourselves and move on.

But in an intimate relationship we may not realise that the small, and not so small mistakes, can add up and lead to a build up of resentments. What we may not realise until too late is that these mistakes are also more likely to lead to cheating and the break-up of our relationship.

15 Common Relationship Mistakes

These are in no particular order, some may surprise you and some are very obvious. But we can still be guilty of doing them anyway. So why not take sometime to review the list and review how you are behaving in your relationship. It is never too late to change these and work together to make your relationship great again.

1. You are letting each other down in small ways.

We have all let someone down at one time or another. But if your partner is constantly letting you down then it will very quickly escalates into resentment and rightly so. It shows a lack of respect towards you and the relationship.

I’m not just talking about forgetting things or failing to help out with the children, and home. But also disclosing intimate conversations you have had to another. Talking about your partner behind their back to someone else, and lying to them. These will all diminish trust in the relationship, and as I said shows a lack of respect.

2. Your keeping your concerns to yourself

You may feel you have a good reason, but this can fester. It is probable that your partner has picked up that something is wrong anyway and their imaginations will allow this to grow out of proportion. It’s unfair and will only drive you apart.

If you have concerns then it is better to speak your mind and have open dialogue between you. You are a team. A healthy team has open and honest communications with each other. You need to be constantly promoting and working on this.

3. You are not making time for intimacy

We need intimacy to strengthen the emotional and physical bonds in our relationship. Intimacy isn’t just about sex. It also includes holding hands, touching, date nights, time alone as a couple, etc. We need all types of intimacy with our other half to continue to feel connected. Otherwise we will start to look for this elsewhere.

4. You are chatting with your ex’s

If you are continuing to keep an ex on the back burner then you are asking for trouble and more likely not fully committed to the relationship. A just in case something goes wrong with the relationship “friend” is never good. It’s a major red flag. It usually ends with cheating.

Confiding in your ex about concerns, or your current partner, is not healthy either. You should be confiding in your partner instead. Yes it is possible to be friends with an ex. But this should also include your current partner being in the loop and friends with that person also.

These type of friendships are not like other types of friendships and are not very healthy. They will cut away the trust, intimacy, and security of your relationship.

5. You are fighting or bickering all the time

Occasional fighting is normal but constant fighting is a bad sign regarding the relationship. You need to seek therapy to help you both recover from this kind of bickering.

If you notice that the fighting has become full of contempt, name calling, verbally abusive, then you need support and help. This is very hard to recover from. But it is never too late if you both agree to work on it.

When the relationship has gone this far it is also not unusual for one partner to have an affair in order to end the relationship. These are usually called exit affairs and don’t tend to last longer than the current marriage or relationship ending.

6. The relationship is not a priority for you

If you, or your partner, is not making the relationship a priority then you have probably already left. Yes we all have to work, have some time alone, time with family and friends. But we need to make time also for our relationship too, otherwise it dies.

If we are not making your relationship a priority then this will allow someone else to move in to a relationship with your partner.

7. You are taking each other for granted

While we all lead busy lives it can be so easy to allow the things your partner does for you, and the children, to be taken for granted. Complacency can be a silent killer for a relationship. The partner who feels taken for granted will begin to look for their needs to met outside the relationship.

8. Spending too much time together

Yes you can spend too much time together. We all need time alone, time for our own interests and friends too. If your partner is particularly needy it can be a sign of skewed boundaries and they need help to correct this. This is not your job.

It’s okay to support them in getting help and it’s equally okay to stand your ground and ask for space. If one partner isn’t given this it may lead to cheating as a statement of their independence and separateness.

If your partner needs you to spend all your time outside work with them it can be a warning sign of domestic abuse also.

9. You are crossing boundaries in person or online

There are many ways a partner can cross a boundary. These can be red flags for domestic violence, or unhealthy boundaries in the person. If it’s the former, it’s time to leave, please be safe doing this (more information here). If it’s the latter, then again the person requires therapy to fix this.

You need to be very clear about how you will act in certain situations including your behaviour online. I’ve talked about this more here. Crossing a boundary online can be very easy to do and can lead to emotional cheating.

You both need to define what you feel is crossing a boundary and what you consider cheating – online or in person. Be very clear what you will accept and not accept here.

10. You are both failing to communicate with each other

Failing to communicate properly is one of the top reasons for break-ups and couples seeking counselling. They have simply forgotten how to engage in healthy communication with one another.

Communication in a relationship needs constant work and when it fails it can lead to resentments, fighting, frustrations, feeling left out and thus lead to cheating.

It is possible to regain good healthy communication with some couples therapy. You might also want to check out my blog post on communication in relationships.

11. Too controlling

Being too controlling is not a good sign. It is usually linked to co-dependency or domestic violence. If the other person feels they are being controlled it will lead them to feel angry, frustrated, and they may cheat.

This type of behaviour often also involves unhealthy boundaries, problems in communication, so therapy will be needed to help you.

12. You are keeping secrets

Keeping one partner in the dark is never a good thing. It can also quickly lead to emotional cheating if you are confiding in another instead. No matter the reason. Even if you feel shame about what has happened it is never a good idea to keep a secret from your partner. You are better talking through whatever it is with your partner or a therapist initially.

13. Invading the privacy of your partner

It might not seem like such a big thing to read texts, messages or emails your partner receives, but it is. It is a breach of trust and you are creating doubt in your own mind. When you do that it is not a stretch to cheating.

It also means you have to stop and ask yourself why are you doing it? Don’t you trust your partner? If the answer is no, then you need therapy and perhaps couples counselling.

14. Emotional infidelity

There are many ways you can create emotionally infidelity. Emotional infidelity has been defined as where one partner is emotional unavailable to the other. This is created by situations that interfere with one aspect or more of the relationship.

The partner is usually engaging with another person where by they give their time, attention and energy to them to the degree that it leaves their partner feeling neglected.

I’ve already talked about some ways above. But if you find yourself in this situation it will probably make cheating more likely. It also requires couples counselling to fix the underlying issues that has caused it to begin with.

15. Fighting about money

Fighting is never good at resolving the issue. Yes it does allow you to clear the air but you need some good constructive steps you can take also. None more so than fighting about money.

It is a good idea to set a boundary in your relationship about how you will handle money, I talk more about doing this here. This type of argument is another top reason couples end up in therapy.

It is better to learn to listen to one another respectfully. Work through your difficulties in a productive manner and to seek help if you need it for money issues.

In order to make things work, or improve things between you, you both need to be singing off the same hymn sheet. Making mutual respect, health communication and trust a top priority for you.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.