Honesty in a relationship is a vital component. Good communications skills help us to be honest and improve our relationship. We all want what is best for our relationships no matter but there are times when all couples have rows. Someone gets angry and words are said that cannot be taken back. It may seem like it is the end of the relationship at these times but not necessarily so. If we can learn how to communicate in a healthy manner then we can move on from the issue as a couple.

7 Tips To Communicating While Angry.

1.    Remember, it’s okay to get angry. Everyone does it and rows happen in all relationships. That doesn’t mean your relationship is over. What’s important is that you resolve conflicts in a healthy way. Admit no one or no relationship is perfect. This kind of awareness can help take the pressure off us to have the “ideal” relationship. Your relationship is your relationship and you will work together in your own way to improve what you have.

2.     If you get really angry about something, stop, take a step back and breathe. Tell your partner you’d like to take a short break before continuing the conversation. Do not try to continue the conversation while you, your partner or both of you are angry. No one is really listening at this point. So the real problem will not be discussed and its resolution will not be reached.

3.    Use the time apart to calm down by taking a walk (preferable, as it will help with the excess adrenaline and cortisol in your body) watching TV, talking to a friend, playing a video game, listening to some music or whatever helps you relax. Taking a break can keep the situation from getting worse. Your partner shouldn’t mind as long as you have communicated that you are willing to discuss the issue once you feel calmer.

4.    If you still feel angry, after taking an initial break, then use the 48 Hour Rule if you need to. This allows both of you time out to think about the situation further over the next 48 hours. (see point 5 below) If you’re still hurt or angry 48 hours later, say something, don’t leave them waiting longer.

Do not use silence as it can be very passive aggressive tactic (another form of anger). Remember your partner can’t read your mind. If you don’t speak up when you’re upset, there is no way for them to apologize or change their behaviour. Once you do mention your hurt feelings and your partner sincerely apologizes, let it go. Don’t bring up past issues if they’re not relevant.

5.    Use the time away (48 hour rule) to calm down and think. After you’re no longer upset, think about the situation and why you got so angry. Was it how your partner spoke or something they did? Was it about a past issue? Could it have been influenced by something in work or with another family member/friend? Figure out the real problem as best you can. Then think about how to explain your feelings/thoughts. Again if you need to write it down do so and read it to your partner.

6.    Now it’s time to talk again. Find the right time to talk, away from distraction, no social media or phones on, and make sure the kids are out of earshot and won’t disturb you. Talk face to face and help avoid any unnecessary miscommunications. Look at your partner and make eye contact. But remember it’s not a staring competition either.

7.    Use your “I” statement and active listening skills here. After you tell your partner how you feel, what you think, using your “I” statements, remember to stop talking and listen to what they have to say. You both deserve the opportunity to express how you feel in a safe and healthy environment.

Pay attention to your partner and don’t interrupt. Do not focus on thinking about your own thoughts regarding what you will say in response, this is hard to do and takes practice. Do not judge what they say. Ask them to clarify what they have said. Repeating what you thought they said before responding will help with this. “I thought I heard you say…”

Tolerate silence as it allows you both to think before you speak. Again extremely hard to do without practice and patience. Most importantly Do Not Attack them. Even when we think we are being helpful, we may not realise we are coming across as aggressive or critical. Avoid this by going back to using your “I” statements. Remember you are working as a team to resolve an issue here. You are not in competition with one another.

Everything I’ve spoken about takes time to learn. Particularly if you didn’t have healthy role models as a child. But communication is a healthy habit, and like all habits, it can be learnt with patience and practice. Yes you will make mistakes but again work together to take small steps in improving your communication skills. Small steps in time lead to more self-confidence and bigger rewards.

My Book.     

Did you know I talk more about communication skills, removing negative thinking and self-care in my book and workbook The Building Blocks Of Self-Care? You can purchase it on Amazon or here.