Last week I talked about deleting negative thinking/self-talk from your life. You really can’t do this properly when surrounded by negative people.

What Are Negative People?

These are the people that never have anything good to say. They talk about their problems or gossip about others in a negative way. You already know them well. As they’re the people who make you feel like the life and soul have been drained out of you and the room. They’re also known as “negative vampires” an apt description. See how they drain you just as a vampire would.

Another form of negative people are any of those related to the Dark Triad. These include: psychopaths, narcissist, sociopath, I like to separate psychopaths and sociopath conditions, plus Machiavellian. Click the links to find out more about these types and how to protect yourself from them. 

So What Can You Do?

Assess The People In Your Life.

The first thing you can do is to assess all the people in your life. So let’s make a list. Take some time over this. Think about all the people who enter your life every day or week. That means everyone including family, friends, work colleagues, neighbours or anyone you have to interact with on a regular basis.

Ask yourself some questions about the people in you life. 

1. Are they soul enhancers or are they negative vampires?

What do I mean by soul enhancers? Well they inspire you. Or they help you feel good or peaceful when they’re with you? They bring light into the room when they enter or you just feel you can be yourself around them. They certainly don’t have you going “oh no not them again!”

I do have a free course on dealing with negative people and worksheets in my free group for mums. In this course you will find a large number of resources and have access to free support from me. 

Start Minimizing Contact.

When you get your list I want you to really look at it to see if you can stop seeing these people or at the very least minimize your contact with them. Until you do you’re not going to feel good about yourself. They’ll continue to drag you down with them. It’s not your job to try and fix them or anyone else. They are the only people who can change themselves, a lot of time they are not even aware that they do what they do. They are living in denial about their lives and themselves. Remember the only person you can change is yourself. So start minimizing contact with these people at the very least.

Delete Where You Can.

Cutting out people from your life can be difficult I know. But it’s for your own sanity! It may not always be possible in some instances. But minimizing contact is the next step if you cannot fully delete the person.

How do you do that? Well stop taking all their phone calls every day or meeting up with them is a starting point. This may be easier with family than work. So you must have your excuses ready. This applies to both your personal and work lives. If these types of people are friends then I ask you: Do you really need them in your life? After all they are not there for you when you need it.

It’s time to take back your life now and be ruthless. Beside each name mark down:

1. Do you want to see them? If you answered that you don’t want to see them then start deleting them!
2. Can you minimize contact? 

If you have to seeing them keep it polite and to the point. Keep bringing it back to the topic and the points you want to make. Don’t let them drag you into conversations you don’t need to hear. If you feel they are not listening end the conversationa and leave. Or if not then change the subject, they’ll have a few favourite topics they love to talk about. But try to keep the topics general.

Get Your Excuses Prepared In Advance.

What excuses do you need to have? Well, silence is the best defense, don’t engage in the conversation. If they’re ringing you, don’t answer the phone. Or limit the amount of time you spend on the phone with them. Take control and if you have to you ring them maximum once a week if you must. Give a limited time to the call and set a timer. Say 10 minutes and have an excuse ready to say goodbye. You could say you’re very busy in work. Or you are busy with the kids. Then very quickly say goodbye and hang up. Don’t wait for a reply.

Start to really listen to what they have to say. If they start gossiping change the subject ask them questions about their lives, health, etc. They will love to talk about themselves. Take control of the conversation! Don’t let them dictate the conversation. That’s the way for them getting you do things you want to say no to. 

The whole idea about this is you take control over your life. Who you speak and interact with, don’t let others dictate your time and your life, it’s too precious.

Minimize Contact Or Clean Cut. It’s Up To You.

With people, you want to get rid of, again limit the time you spend with them. Don’t see them if it’s unnecessary. Drag out the time between each time you see them. Don’t take their phone calls. They will get the message and diminish over time. Let the relationship fizzle out.

Or cut them out completely. If you’re not that close this can be easier. Sometimes it’s easier to do this with people you hardly know and work on close family and friends when you have more confidence. This is a harsh one to do I know. But what are you sacrificing by having these people in your life? Your sanity? Your health? What? How is it affecting your life? You have to be brutally honest with yourself here.

I know all of this may be hard to do at first so again I say take it slowly. Tackle the easy ones first. You don’t have to get rid of all the negative vampires in your life straight away. But start you must for they will cling on and continue to cross those boundaries until you do. 

Start Making You A Priority.

Firstly you have to make your basic self-care a priority. This is one of the first steps in setting personal boundaries. Negative people don’t like it when we start to look after ourselves. We don’t have as much time for them and meeting their needs.

We also have to start setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Deleting or dealing with these negative people in a healthier manner is a good exercise in learning to set personal boundaries.  If you feel this is a co-dependency issue for you, seek help. With co-dependency we will get caught up in people pleasing which leaves us exhausted. Now is the time to review where and with whom you are spending your time and energy.

If you are married to, or related to, an addict I strongly suggest going to a support group. Co-dependency tends to be born out of addiction. Support groups such as: Al-anon, Nar-anon, Gam-anon, etc, will help you develop a lot of skills in order to be able to handle the addict and your response to them better.

You can also start by reading Melody Beattie “Co-dependent no more” book on co-dependency. It’s a wonderful book full of ideas to help you take care of yourself. It also explains what co-dependency is and if you are a co-dependent to help you start to live your life again.

Work With Me

Remember you are allowed to ask for support; in fact it is vital you do so. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advise you to reach out for counseling if you, or a loved one, need to.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.