We all want our relationships to last. When we start dating someone, it is never with the intention that it won’t lead to something more. It is always with the firm hope that it will lead to a long term relationship. We can find it hard to look for warning signs when we first get together in a new relationship.

Do Not Ignore The Warning Signs

But there are some warning signs that are important for you to keep an eye out for. Or more importantly, if you feel something isn’t right then at least ask yourself some hard questions about the relationships. Always trust your gut instinct, no matter what your new partner might try to persuade you to do otherwise.

What happens if you feel something isn’t right?

This list of warning signs for early relationship/dating can be used as good indicators of whether your relationship will succeed or not. They can be seen as indicators that you, your new partner, or you as a couple, need help in the form of therapy.

Early interventions might save the relationship. But only you can decide what to do, and whether you love each other enough to try. You might decide that these are red flags that just can’t be fixed and it’s time to walk away.

Remember, you can not change anyone else only yourself. If the person is unwilling to enter into therapy, then only you can decide if it is worth staying. The only time I would strongly recommend to anyone to walk away immediately is if there is domestic violence happening. Remember safety first if you do, I talk about how to do this here.

16 Warning Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble 

Lack Of Sexual Chemistry

No matter how much you like someone, if you don’t have sexual chemistry it probably won’t work out between you. It will probably not build over time either, unless you put a lot of work into it. You may find instead that you just become great friends.

Friendship of course is important to a lasting relationship. As it will help you get through the ups and downs of married life. But you do need to find the other person attractive in the first place to have that initial spark that leads to a longer term commitment.

Nothing in Common

Having nothing in common with the other person, except being great in bed, could lead to big trouble down the line. We don’t need to have everything exactly in common for it to work out. But having some things in common is essential.

Religious views, politics opinions, family values, core beliefs, work ethic. How you each handle money, difficulties and stresses, boundary issues. Your friends or family differences including economics. Whether you want children/no children. Even down to your love of art, film, music, etc. These will all have an impact on what goes on in your relationship.

The more you have less in common, the higher the risk of failure for your relationship. You will have to work extremely hard, probably with a therapist, to overcome any obstacles and learn to make compromises.

Not Finding Time For You

If the other person is not finding time for you in their life then they are, as they say, “just not that into you”. Cancelling or failing to schedule dates in advance could also indicate a few other issues.

One could be they are a workaholic, or another more serious issue is that they are in a relationship with someone else. Another reason is they are very committed to their lifestyle, work, family, friends, hobbies, and they will not make time for you.

In the beginning, especially, you should want to be with the other person, and will give up other things/people to do so. Someone who doesn’t do this, isn’t someone you want to be with. They are either not that attracted to you, or/and are very selfish and self-centred. Either way, it’s simply time to move on.

Controlling/Demanding Personality

If one of you is controlling, or demanding, it is unlikely to change. If you are seeing this early on in the relationship it could be a major red flag for what is to come. To fix this would require the person to admit to having problems, seek, and actively engage in a treatment program.

You can not change this person, they are the only ones who can change themselves. These types of personality issues could indicate a personality disorder such as psychopath, sociopath or narcissistic personality. This is a major red flag. Or someone who has been around addiction or has suffered childhood abuse, neglect or trauma of some kind. It can also indicate that domestic violence will be present, or is already present, in the relationship in some covert way.

Different Spending Habits

Money issues are one of the biggest factors in driving couples to separate or seek couple counselling. If you save and your new partner doesn’t, then it will cause problems even in the short term. Different spending habits can be resolved if you are both willing to talk things through or ask for professional help.

Issues From The Past

Any part of your past that remains unresolved for you, will impact on your current relationship. This doesn’t have to be from your childhood only, but can also come from a previous relationship. Getting any past issues resolved will help you be more mentally, and probably physically, ready for a happy health relationship in the future. You will be better able to set healthy boundaries and communicate your needs in that new relationship.

Friends Or Family Have A Problem With Your New Partner

If your friends or family are telling you they see something, then at least stop and think about what they are telling you. The new person in your life might not like them either. So ask yourself why this is? Sometimes our friends and family can see red flags before we do. And although your new partner doesn’t have to get along with everyone else in your life, they shouldn’t be setting off red flags either.

You Have Boundary Issues

Not knowing how to set healthy boundaries in relationships will have a huge impact on that relationship. It will most certainly impact your own basic self-care, self-esteem and whether you are susceptible to being abused in a relationship (doesn’t just have to be physical abuse. See list here).

Whether you learnt skewed boundaries from your childhood, or from a past relationship, these will impact on your current relationship until you get therapy. We bring our previous baggage with us until we learn to set it down and carry on in life without it hindering us.

Boundary issues can occur for many reasons such as: previous domestic violence (our relationship or childhood experiences), neglect, trauma or abuse in childhood, etc. This kind of issue requires professional help to be resolved.

Disrespect/Contempt/Dishonesty From One Partner To The Other

A few big, and very obvious ones here, that will see a relationship breakdown. If your partner doesn’t respect you, if they are saying one thing and doing, or acting, another way, or are dishonest with you now, they will continue to do so.

You have to question why they are with you in the first place to be honest. We should also question why we would stay with someone who disrespects us, or is dishonest with us. You might find that you or they have skewed boundaries, have issues from their childhood. Most decidedly it is domestic violence.

Inability To Communicate

Communication difficulties in couples is one of the top reasons couples end up in therapy or separate. Do you notice that communication is in anyway uneasy right from the start? It is usually an indicator that things will only get worse.

If you, or your partner, can not communicate effectively, it won’t change until the person learns to do so. If your partner can’t communicate with you, it can leave you feeling very frustrated and lead to a building of resentment over time.

It could be that your partner doesn’t know how to communicate effectively in the first place. They may not recognise what they are doing is wrong. This could stem from what they witnessed as a child from their parents. If you love each other enough, couples therapy might resolve this issue if it is treated early enough in the relationship. When it is left to fester then it only becomes worse and the other person will build up resentments until they walk away from the relationship.

Distancing Themselves From You

If you find yourself, or if you have noticed that the other person is, distancing themselves from you, then you have to consider if the relationship is already lost. If they are not returning your phone calls, calling you, or texting you as often as they did, they have probably moved on.

It is more honest, and respectful, for you and them, to ask them what is going on than to just sit around in hope of this improving. This can also be used as a means of control by a narcissistic person, or someone who will later escalate into domestic violence, so be aware of this.

Cheating

Very simply, if they cheat early on in the relationship it’s a big red flag. Walk away before you have too much invested in this relationship. You have to ask if the person respected, care for, or loved you, then why are they cheating with someone else?

This type of behaviour is very dishonest and disrespectful to the other partner. Cheating can also indicate a deeper rooted problem within the relationship.

Financial Secrets

Again money issues are one of the top reasons couples end up either separating or in therapy. It can be an indicator of addictions issues in some instances. If one partner is hiding money from the other, or hiding money issues from the other partner, what does that tell you?

The person may well be ashamed about what has happened if they have run up debts. They may have trust/boundary issues. The person may not want to worry the other partner about money problems they are having. Or it may indicate an addiction of some sort.

This level of secrecy, no matter what the cause, will only lead to a bigger problems even in the short term. As the stress of keeping this hidden will come out in other ways in the relationship.

Trust Issues

Very simply put, if you don’t trust the other person the relationship is doomed. You can not have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t trust them. Relationships are built on trusting each other.

These trust issues might have come from your childhood, or another relationship. But either way you need to resolve them before you enter into another relationship.

Ineffectual Arguing

Like good healthy communication, the way in which you argue will also affect your relationship. If one party is using passive-aggressive or aggressive means of arguing then it’s unhealthy. It could be modelled on how your parents argued. But it’s ineffective and will destroy your relationship.

Either way it is also very controlling, dishonest and disrespectful towards the other partner. It leads to building frustrations and nothing seems to get resolved or finalised and let go of. Aggressive type arguing could also be an indicator of domestic violence in the relationship. As it’s used as a means of controlling the other partner.

Not Talking About Where The Relationship Is Headed

If they are avoiding talking about the relationship, they could have commitment issues. You should be able to talk about your future together. Not just any short-term or holiday plans. But about what you expect from the relationship.

If they don’t, or won’t, do this then you have to start to question why? Are they as committed as you to this relationship? Or are you just someone they like to be with “for now”? Or “until the right one comes along”? If any of these are the reason, again trust your gut here, it’s time to move on.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.