Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. Children don’t come with a manual and we tend to revert to a parenting style we were raised with, unless we make a very conscious effort to change that.

Let me say at the start, that this blog isn’t meant to be used to beat your self up with. It is for information purposes only. But if you identify something about how you parent your child you don’t like, it is never too late to change anything. Remember, we are all doing our best, and at the end of the day if you can put your hand on your heart and say that, you should let any guilt you have go.

Research has shown that parenting styles can affect everything about your child’s mental and physical development, from weight to emotional well-being. So, it is important to ensure that your parenting style is supporting healthy growth in your child, both physically and mentally.

Types Of Parenting Styles

Researchers have identified a number of parenting styles:

1. Authoritarian
2. Authoritative
3. Permissive
4. Helicopter
5. Uninvolved

This list is by no means all-inclusive and you may have read other terms used to describe them.

Each of these styles of parenting will take a different approach. Sometimes parents don’t fit neatly into one particular style but may move between two or more. Each parenting style can be identified by a number of different characteristics which I’ll outline below.

You will notice that some overlap in small ways, this is usually how we can cross over between two. But for some parents it is not unusual to switch between being one style and another either. For example some parents do find themselves switching between permissive and authoritarian.

1. Authoritarian Parenting (Also known as the Drill Sergeant)

Authoritarian parents believe their child should follow the rules without exception and they have no interest in negotiating. This type of parenting style may present in the following manner:

1. They make lots of commands and demands on their child, with jobs expected to be done immediately.
2. They direct their child’s life.
3. The parent provides messages of low self-worth and resistance.
4. They have lots of expectations regarding responsibility.
5. They tell their child how to handle their responsibilities.
6. The parent has no time for child’s opinion.
7. They provide absolutes, such as: “This is how you should…” “Because I said so”
8. The parent uses threats and issues orders such as: “Clean up your room or else…”
9. They take ownership of problems, using threats and orders to solve them. The child is not involved in problem-solving as it the parents way or nothing.
10. The parent uses harsh words and very few actions.
11. They use punishment, such as pain and humiliation, as a teacher.

Children who grow up within this environment will follow the rules most of the time. But this will come at a cost. These children are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems, they may become hostile and aggressive.

The child can get caught up in the anger they feel towards their parent. They may also learn how to avoid blame or taking responsibility, as they learn to be good liars in order to avoid punishment. The child is at a higher risk for developing mental health problems including addiction, etc.

2. Authoritative Parenting (Also know as the Love & Logic Parent)

An authoritative parent has rules, take their child’s opinion in to consideration but also use consequences. They validate their child’s feelings. But also make it clear they are ultimately the ones in charge. They invest time and energy into preventing behaviour problems before they arise. While also using positive discipline such as rewards and praise to reinforce good behaviour.

This type of parenting style may present in the following manner:

1. The parent provides messages of personal worth and strength.
2. They very seldom mention responsibilities.
3. They demonstrate self-care and how to be a responsible adult.
4. The parent shares their personal feelings, appropriately, about their own performance and responsibilities.
5. They help their child to explore their opinions, alternatives solutions and make their own decisions. (Age appropriately.)
6. The parent provides time frames in which child may complete responsibilities.
7. They model doing a good job, finishing, cleaning-up etc.
8. They ask themselves questions such as “Who owns this problem?” They use this to help their child solve problems themselves.
9. The parent uses lots of actions but few words.
10. They allow the child to experience life’s natural consequences. This is felt to serve as a teacher to the child.

Researchers have found that children raised by an authoritative parent are more likely to become responsible. They are not afraid to express their opinions, making decisions and are very capable of evaluating risks. The children also tend to be happier and more successful. They are adults who feel comfortable expressing their opinions.

3. Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents are lenient, quite forgiving and usually only step in if there’s a serious problem. This type of parenting style may present in the following manner:

1. They do set rules, but rarely enforce them.
2. They don’t often give the child consequences or set limits.
3. If there are consequences they usually allow the child “off” if the child begs or promises to be good.
4. They think a child learns best without interference from them.
5. They have a “kids will be kids” attitude.
6. The parent takes on a “friend” role with their child.
7. They do encourage their child to discuss their problems, but don’t put effort into discouraging poor choices or behaviour.

Children of permissive parents may struggle academically, exhibit more behavioural problems. As adults they may not like authority or rules. They have low self-esteem and are unhappy. The children are higher risk of mental health issues. They are at more risk of health issues because of no limits regarding unhealthy food choices. Addiction may also be a problem in adulthood.

4. Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parents hover over child, rescuing them from the world. This provides a child with the message that they are weak and develops poor personal worth. This type of parenting style may present in the following manner:

1. The parent make excuses for child, but complain about mishandled responsibilities.
2. They take on child’s responsibilities.
3. They protect the child from any possible negative feelings.
4. The parent makes decisions for child.
5. They provide no structure for child.
6. They complain, whine, and use guilt. Making comments like: “After all I’ve done for you..” “You cause me so much work (responsibility) “When are you ever going to learn” “I always have to clean up after you”
7. The parent use actions and words that rescue the child but indicate the child is incapable or not responsible.
8. They protect the child from natural consequences but use guilt as a teacher.

The child may have poor academic performance. As adults they are more likely to have low self-esteem, sadness and an inability to express their own opinions. They are at higher risk of developing mental & physical health issues.

5. Uninvolved Parenting

Uninvolved parents tend to have very little knowledge of what their child is doing. They are considered neglectful parents but this may be unintentional. Some parents may have mental health issues, substance abuse issues or maybe overwhelmed with other problems. This type of parenting style may present in the following manner:

1. The parent doesn’t ask their child about school or homework.
2. They rarely know where their child is or with whom.
3. They don’t spend too much time with the child.
4. The parent sets few rules or limits for the child.
5. The child doesn’t receive much guidance, nurturing or parental attention.
6. The child is expected to raise themselves and perhaps take responsibility for younger siblings.
7. They don’t devote energy or time to meeting child’s basic needs.
8. They may lack knowledge about child development.

Children of this parenting style struggle with self-esteem issues. They may perform poorly in school, and may exhibit behavioural problems. As adults are often unhappy, plus develop mental & physical health problems.

Research is clear that an authoritative parenting style is best for raising a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child. But as I’ve already said most parents switch between different styles. It may also be the case that both parents don’t have the same style of parenting. 

Parenting Styles Can Be Changed.

Don’t worry about this, as there are steps you can take to change this. It does take time, commitment and dedication to do this. By reading informational blogs like this, taking a parenting course, perhaps having therapy regarding your own childhood etc., and developing good communications with your partner, you will alter how you parent your child. Both parents always need to sing from the same hymn sheet no matter your parenting styles.

If you do this type of work I would advise to give yourself patience, time and forgiveness. You only had your parents to model parenting styles for you. As I said we tend to follow through with this parenting style unless we make conscious choices to change it.

It’s a lot of hard work, but no matter how small the changes you make your child will benefit. You will build a positive healthy relationship with your child and over time your child will reap the benefits of your new authoritative style of parenting.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.