Around 20% of school-aged children and teens will experience anxiety. For most these relate to school or their families. I’m not going to outline the symptoms or causes in this blog as I’ve already outlined these in detail here. What I do want to concentrate on is giving you some strategies to help your child.

Heads up this is a long blog. I’ve included tips for you (at the start). Plus strategies you can use with children.

How do we instill effective tools within our children?

In simple terms by using, and modeling, good tools, skills and strategies that help you to overcome your own stresses, anxieties and worries as well.

Here are some pointers and tips you might find useful before you tackle anything with your child.

1. Children and teens need tools to help them cope with their worries just as much as we do as adults. This process usually begins by them modeling what they see their parents or other significant adults do around them. If we as parents don’t model effective strategies and tools to combat stress and anxiety then we can’t expect our children to have them also. The first key tool in all this will be to therefore be a model and talk about what we use to help with stress, anxiety or worry. I’m not suggesting that your child become your confessional for all your worries, this would be extremely damaging.
2. Don’t force the conversations. We need to allow conversations to evolve naturally unless you suspect there is a specific problem. Regular daily check-ins over dinner, or in the car, can be very effective means of finding out what is going on in your child’s life. Use a phrase such as “When I’m worried I do …”. Then explain what you do to handle your worry, stress or anxiety. You don’t need to go into detail what you worry and stress is about. They don’t need to know what they just need the strategies you use.
3. Make sure to remain calm if something does come up. Children do look to see how their parent is responding to determine how they should react in situations. If a child sees the parent upset or concerned, then the child usually cries, becomes fearful, etc. They are taking their signals and cues from the parent’s reactions.
4. No matter what we don’t express verbally, a child will always pick up on what’s going on. They may not understand or know exacting what is going on but they will know something is. Your child will pick up on your stresses, anxieties and worries. So we do have to manage our own stresses and anxieties if we want to help our child with theirs. At times this may mean deliberately slowing down. This could be your breath, your body language and how you speak. So that we convey a sense of calm.
5. Take time to think through you response and talk with your partner if you can first. Remember to work together as a team. Any disagreement about how to handle a particular situation should never be aired in front of your child.
6. We also need to be willing to admit if the problem has become too much for us to deal with alone. Getting the right support for your child, and you, quickly will help resolve the issue more quickly than trying to go it alone.
7. When a child struggles with anxiety and stress we can feel overwhelmed. Then our guilt kicks in on top of that. There are two points I’d like to make here. If you are feeling overwhelmed please seek support for yourself. You will learn strategies that will help you deal with what is going on and have a supportive environment in which to voice your concerns.
8. Next never give up. It can be very hard at times especially when trying to get the right tools and strategies in place. It takes time to learn these tools and make them apart of your mental health toolbox. But repetition and consistency are key so please keep up the work.
9. The strategies below are very similar to what we would use as adults. But we adapt them to suit our child or teen. With older children and teens communicating with them. Explain why you are introducing, or helping them to introduce, these strategies is vital to gaining their co-operation.
10. I’d also advice that you take it one small step at a time. Giving them too much at once will only set them and you up for failure. So keep it simple and add in one tool at a time.

Remember to trust your gut instinct here. You know your child well. So if you feel this could be tied into something else such as a disability or more serious mental health issue then seek immediate professional help. Never wait, nor be put off, if you don’t get the right professional support at first. Keep going back or seek another professional’s opinion if you need to.

8 Strategies To Reduce Worry In Children.

These are in no particular order. So pick one. Or better still ask your older child or teen to pick for themselves, one tool they’d like to try first. Some of the tools need adoption for younger children.

1. Teach your child to meditate.

If you already use meditation then go ahead and teach your child to do this. Explain how it has helped you. If you don’t have a particular meditation, then keep it simple. A 3 minute breather based on the 7/11 technique can be very helpful. This is particularly so as the child, and you, can use this one on the go throughout their day.

You will need to set up a regular practice session. You could use it each night before bed to help them relax. The technique is very simple. All you need to do is breathe in for a count of 4 and then out for a count of 6. Older children could do a count of 7/11. You continue the focus on counting for 3 minutes, start with 30 seconds and build up if needed.

2. Get them moving.

Getting them moving helps burn the adrenaline from the fright, flight or fight response to stress and anxiety. Adding in some form of exercise to their daily routine will help here. I understand at the moment many children have lost their normal activities because of the pandemic. But if you can get them moving in some way it will help.

Some examples might include:

• kicking a ball around the back garden
• yoga or martial arts exercises if they already do these
• a few jumping jacks
• skipping
• dancing around the kitchen
• a walk
• back garden obstacle courses
• PE on TV or YouTube

 Anything at all that gets their heart rate elevated is good. Let the child know why this is good for them mentally and physically.

3. Schedule relaxing activities too.

A lot of the time we forget to schedule time to relax. We get caught up in scheduling more active activities. But we all need some down time and children are no different. Children who are over scheduled can become stressed and then the activities can become all about success instead of fun.

Make sure your child knows how important it is to have some relaxing activities in their life. These can include painting – a great way for them to express their worries, stresses and emotions too. Or yoga, tai chi, board games, playing with toys, reading a book, playing a game. The list can be long. It’s based on relaxing and having some fun.

4. Get a good, consistent, sleep routine going.

Children and teens need a good night’s sleep to help them with their day. We all know how hard it is to cope if we are not sleeping well. Children need between 12 and 9 hours of sleep depending on how old they are and how active they are.

Focusing on getting them relaxed for about an hour before they go to bed (lights out). So that will be no TV, computers or phones during this time. You will have a battle with teens over the phone. But if you explain it to them, you are more likely to get them to help themselves by turning off electronics. Remember you have to practice what you preach here, so that’s no electronics for you either.

Help them to make a smooth transition into a more relaxed state. Make sure their room is warm enough and comfortable to help them sleep. If they need a night light then get one. (Some teens and older children may need this too. Don’t make a fuss about having one just allow them to use it.) You can use the meditation from above or a relaxing playlist. A relaxing bath could start the routine off, and then change into PJ’s, brush teeth. A bedtime story or reading time for older ones. The point is to have a consistent routine and a relaxing hour before bed.

Remember you need to set a bedtime for your child and stick to it, even on weekends.

5. Show them how to make a worry list and reframe worries.

There are multiple techniques you can teach your child to help with this.

1. If they say they are scared or worried make sure you don’t reject this. Instead acknowledge their feeling and ask them to say more about what is causing their worry or fear.
2. Help them to create a worry list. Here they can write down thoughts, feelings and any situation or person that is causing them to feel worried or fearful. Even the act of writing something down can help it to seem less scary. You add in a discussion about it and that helps release it even more. You can then use this to find any patterns, triggers and you can discuss this with them. Don’t tackle every situation or trigger at once. Pick one –the easiest or less scary one is best to start with – and work on this together. Remember you are a team here, so work together. Recording things can also be helpful to have if you need to decide if they need professional help.
3. Explain how emotions work to them. Most emotions like worry and anxiety have a timeline. Our body will only really stay anxious for about 20 to 40 minutes after the initial trigger has occurred. It is our thoughts that keep it going after that.
4. Never push them to tackle something. Talking it through will help but they have to face their fears in their own time. If at any stage you are concerned then seek professional advice and help. Pushing them could make the situation and their anxiety worst and lead to longer term problems. We want to avoid doing that.
5. Use phrases and statements to combat and reframe their old thinking. Have a read through their worries and fears and come up with a sentence together that they can repeat to themselves that will combat the thought. For example if they are afraid you won’t pick them up after school. Then use a phrase such as: Mammy (or who it is and what name they use) will collect me she (he) always comes for me. Pick one word to emphasis in the example the word to emphasis is “always”.
6. Help them to also focus on the positives in their lives. Anxiety and stress will cause us to only focus on the negative stuff and to put ourselves down. Help them to see that they have good things happening in their lives. They are great at what they do, and that you love them. Reminding them of the positives will help their brain reframe and refocus on the positives. Conversations about their day should include highlighting the positive outcomes they had that day, no matter how small. Again model your own gratitude list here.
7. Teach them to problem solve. This is again a team effort here. Older children should be in charge of this exercise, you are only the advisor. So when your child tells you something is wrong, sit down with them and help them come up with a range of possible solutions.

Start by allowing your child (age appropriate) to come up with some solutions first. Before you add yours and write it all down, even the silly ones. Show them how to work through all the solutions on paper. Speaking about the pros and cons of each before letting them make the decision. Which one will suit their need the best.

Be prepared to back them and help them with their solution. Don’t do it for them. But allow them to take the lead and deal with it themselves. They need to deal with the consequences of their decisions (again age appropriate). Remember, during all of your interactions with your child they need to feel supported and loved.

6. Check what your child is eating or not eating.

Don’t forget that what we eat and drink can mimic the effects of adrenaline and cause you to feel anxious. So watch your child’s intake of caffeine or energy drinks in particular. We are very good at watching for obvious allergies. But some children can also have smaller intolerances to certain foods and drinks. My own children couldn’t consume anything with oranges in it. So that included the fruit which most would naturally think of as healthy. If they ate an orange they became very hyperactive. It took a bit of investigating. But once I eliminated them things calmed down.

Something else to be aware of: how is their protein intake, their blood sugar levels? Low blood sugar levels can drop easily in children especially if they are skipping meals. A drop in blood sugar can feel and look like anxiety. They may say they feel dizzy, start to sweat, feel weak, and their heart rate goes up. So do a little investigating. Are they eating their meal and snacks intake during the day. If you need support speak to your GP/MD.

Don’t forget to explain these things to your child. Older children can monitor their responses after eating while in school or at activities. You can then record these to see if there is a pattern that needs medical investigation.

7. Make sure they know you love them.

Don’t allow them to ever think you don’t or that you will only love them if they meet some expectation. If you hold yourself hostage to perfectionism then they will pick this up too. Teach them by example that they are good enough to be loved just the way they are. In order to do that though you need to feel you too are good enough, raise your own self-acceptance and drop the perfectionism please.

8. Use distraction.

We all need a little healthy distraction. So allow them pick some of their favourites that they can use as a means of distraction when they feel anxious. This allows them to take their mind off what is going on from paralyzing thoughts and feelings. Some ideas can include: kicking a ball around the garden, reading a book, watching a half hour of TV, playing a computer game for half an hour, riding their bike, playing with a pet. You can also enlist their help with cooking and meal prep if they enjoy that. Or just curl up with them for twenty minutes and watch or read something together.

Remember you don’t have to use all of the above ideas. Pick one or two that you think will help your child. With older children I’d suggest you discuss it together. Perhaps read through the suggestions and come up with ideas together they’d like to use. If one idea doesn’t work don’t give up, try another one. For most it isn’t a quick fix. But with time, patience and practice you will give them some healthy life skills they can use throughout their lives.

Two other blogs you might like to read: Building self-confidence in children and The keys to success for teens.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.