Don’t tell me you don’t know what I mean by negative self-talk. I know you do. They can be very few of us who haven’t heard that voice in our head telling us something negative. For example “You’re no good”, “I’m too fat”, “I’m too thin”, “I never get anything right”, etc.

So Why Do We Listen?

One reason could stem from our childhoods. How we were spoken to as children can have an impact on us today as adults. Listening to how others spoke to you, parents, friends, family, in school, can change how we talk to ourselves. Or even how they spoke about themselves, or to others in your life, will all have a huge impact on us. It was enough to start that negative tape rolling.

Another reason could be from a relationship you had, or have, as an adult. It could have been from an abusive relationship you’ve now left. This could also be from a professional relationships. Some workplaces can be just as toxic as personal ones. But that tape is still going on in your head.

The Tapes Inside Our Head.

Yes, it is a tape. It can be a good one too and I don’t mean in a good way but in a negative way. It can outlive, overrule all other tapes in your head. Keep you down. Help you fail. Give up or just not even try.

I’d like to ask you to write down the answers to the following questions. You don’t have to tell me or anyone the answers. But you do need to get honest with yourself about them. They might help you explore what is going on inside your head.

1. I’d like to ask you a simple question: Whose tape is it really?
2. Who do you hear when that voice starts to go off on a tangent? You know that negative thinking tangent. It could be just one person or it could belong to many voices.
3. When you hear that tape does it remind you of one particular incident in your life? Or was it recorded over years?

Now For Some Good News.

Now the good news. Like all tapes, it can be destroyed and even overwritten with some perseverance. It took time for that tape to be created so we need time, not as much as you think and patience with our self to change it.  We have to first become aware of the tape playing in our head.

That is why I asked you those questions. With any change we need awareness first. We need to see which one negative self-talk (thought) is dominating us. Whether we have one tape playing or many keeping that negative cycle going.

Then we have to start seeing who owns these thoughts. Is it really ours to carry any more? Or can we give it back to the person who originally owned it? Yes, that’s right someone else really owns this tape. Guess what you don’t need to own it any longer. Think of it as a long overdue book you need to return to the library.

How Do You Do That?

Firstly as I said begin by raising your own awareness and understanding about what negative thinking is. I’ll outline that in a moment.  For me I was able to add that knowledge to my own mindfulness practice (There are 3 podcasts on mindfulness in the link). Remember meditation should be part of your daily basic self-care routine. So you can use any form of meditation here to help slow down your thinking.

Once we build up our skill levels with meditation we start to see the tape’s thoughts. We begin to realise that just like any thought it is just a thought. It might trigger a feeling, more thoughts and other responses within us. But if we really looked at it for all its worth we can just let it float on by, like clouds in the sky.

Once we notice the thoughts we can start to examine them. See who really owns them. Were they truly about us? Why did they really grip our attention? Plus did something else happen at this time prior to you noticing your thoughts? All things we have to take into account if we are to change the negative self-talk.

Something I did for myself when I explored my own negative thinking that helped.

I would leave notes for myself on my mirror which read: “I love myself”, “I’m worth it!” Simple positive quotes that inspired me also helped counter my own negative thinking. I didn’t use any fancy paper. I just bought a packet of sticky notes and used coloured pens to write-up the notes. Then I placed them on my mirror where I could see them every day.

You might think that this is stupidly simple and couldn’t work. But let me reassure you it did. I moved on a step further and changed all my passwords to include positive phases about myself. I had to write these into my computer every time I logged into my laptop or social media accounts. You might say too simple, but it works! Why not give it a go, what are you afraid of?

Keeping It Simple At The Beginning Helps.

Remember you are changing a habit here. Yes negative thinking (self-talk) is a habit. A long-term habit in some cases. That can be hard to shift at the beginning. But you can change any habit!

Small, simple steps don’t overload you when you change a habit. Doing too much too quick though will overload us and we will fail. Then we think we can’t change. But if we think in baby steps here we will change it much faster.

Remember you’re trying to convince your brain to change something that it has accepted for a long time. It feels comfortable saying negative things to yourself. That can be hard to accept. It has been a daily habit and comfort zone. Now it needs to be as comfortable, and believable, to say positive things to yourself also.

What Kinds Of Negative Thinking Are There?

I’ve shortened this list to four types but you can find a more detailed list in my free resources section.

1. Distorted: twisting the facts
2. Irrational: not enough facts
3. Unhelpful: upsetting and unhelpful
4. Learned: from parents, school, past experiences, etc.

Negative thinking is Learned so it can be UNLEARNED. I outline more on different types of negative thinking in my resource section and in a variety of blogs. These include blogs on: All or nothing thinking, Difficulty saying no, Perfectionism, Overthinking, Comparison trap, Procrastination.

4 Types Of Negative Thinkers. Which one are you?

Or are a few of them together? Don’t be surprised if you are more than one.

1. The worrier: The worst case is always going to happen. “What if?” “What if people don’t like me?” “What if I make a fool of myself?” This leads to anxiety. You need to tackle this type of negative self-talk if you want to reduce your anxiety.
2. The critic: Always putting yourself down. “I’m so stupid.” “I’m no good.” “I’m a bad person.” “I’m useless.” This leads to low self-esteem. You won’t build up your self-confidence or esteem if you keep thinking along these lines.
3. The perfectionist: You can’t make mistakes, everything has to be better and better all the time. “I should…all the time.” “I must… all the time.” “I have to…” This leads to chronic stress. Again when dealing with stress we have to watch how we speak to our self.
4. The victim: You believe everything in your life is beyond your control. “I can’t change anything in my life.” “I’m never going to get better.” “I’ll never be able to do that” “It’s all because of …past/my illness/my family/my boss/my boyfriend.” This leads to depression. Part of treatment for depression is to look at how we self-talk.

Challenge Negative Thinking Using These 5 Steps.

If you can build up a daily mindfulness practice (or any meditation) it comes in really handy in challenging your negative thinking. But you don’t need to wait, you can begin immediately.

1 Build awareness first.

1. Can you identify with one or more of the above types of negative thinkers?
2. Are there particular situations, people or experiences that you associate with when the tape begins to play?

Answer these questions and other listed in this blog to help you build awareness. Use a journal and keep it handy to record any notes or thoughts that might arise as you go forward.

2 Name that negative thought.

See can you catch yourself thinking negatively. This is where the meditation really comes in to play. It helps us to slow down our thinking. Or gives us time to think and see what comes up. Sometimes you only realize when you look back on an event that you can name the negative thought. This is great. You are becoming more aware of what is happening.

If you don’t have a meditation practice yet try to get in the habit of even using a 3 minute breather daily. Plus again use a journal to keep a track of your mood, thoughts and feelings. Then read back over these to identify any particular thoughts, moods, people or situations that are associated with a thought or type of thinker.

3 Start to challenge the thoughts you record.

Even if you are recording the thoughts after the event it is best if you start to challenge them. Reflecting like this will bring more awareness and jump start the challenge process.

1. What is the evidence against the negative thoughts?
2. Remember the types of worriers above. Which one does the thought belong to?

Well now is the time to start to analyze what they are saying is true or not. Challenge your own thinking and keep challenging it! At first, you may only be able to do this retrospectively as I said. But in time the more you do this the more likely it is you will catch yourself challenging these thoughts as they occur and dismissing them.

It is also a good idea to keep a written note of these thoughts. It really helps our brain to see what is going on. It also helps when we look back and see if any of the thoughts are linked to similar events, or people. These will be your triggers. I have a free course on examining our triggers that keep us trapped and how we can change them in my free group for mums.

4 What is the affect of this thinking?

Along with challenging the thoughts we need to understand how they are affecting us. How do they keep us trapped in negative cycles of thinking? Negative thinking has helpful and unhelpful affects on us. We have to recognize that it may help us stay in our comfort zone. We might be afraid of change.

For most negative thinking eventually becomes unhelpful. The short term gain no longer works and we realize we need to change. So is it upsetting or destructive? Upsetting thoughts cause us to feel intense emotions: anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, shame and fear. Destructive thoughts cause us to not fulfill our goals and blocks us from being ourselves.

1. So you need to ask yourself what is this doing to me? How is it affecting me?
2. How am I responding or being triggered here? What is really happening here?
3. Am I being overly negative or pessimistic?
4. Am I adding to my upset? Or causing me to … name that feeling?
5. Is it destructive thinking?

5 Create your own affirmations to rewrite the negatives.

Starting to challenge your thinking is only one part of this change process. Even by starting to challenge it after the event you can build up your stamina and reverse the effects in time. You must practice this in order to learn the new techniques.

You learnt this negative thinking. It’s like an old tape recording in your head. Now it can be rewritten with something positive. Negative thoughts are like negative affirmations we tell ourselves.

We do need positive affirmations or thoughts to rewrite the old tape. New positive thoughts can be used so try to find at least one thought that will challenge your negative thinking. For example if your negative thought is: “I will not succeed at this.” This could be changed to a positive one: “I could if I tried, I might succeed.”

Challenging your thoughts on paper is one positive action step you can do to rewrite the thoughts. Another is to take new positive actions that give us new experiences. So using the above example: “I could if I tried I might succeed.” You now need to do put your actions where your thoughts are. For example take 10 minutes to start that project. If it’s a big project break it down into 10 minute manageable parts. In otherwords eat the elephant, one bite at a time.

By practising the above you give yourself a chance at tackling your negative thinking. You owe it to yourself to do this. I know it takes time but each day will be a little further along the path to success.

Work With Me.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.