What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are made up of psychological, emotional or physical boundaries. They are a crucial component of self-care in all aspects of our lives.

The two main types, physical and emotional, need to be strong in order to protect you from harm. They also need to protect your sense of self-esteem and your ability to separate your feelings from the feelings of others.

When you have weak emotional boundaries it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with no protection. You can be greatly affected by others feelings, ending up feeling bruised, wounded and battered.

Healthy boundaries include your beliefs, behaviours, choices, relationships, responsibilities, and your ability to be intimate with others. The best place to start is to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself before you consider a relationship. You can find out more about that here.

What can Healthy Boundaries allow us to.

• Be assertive
• Be able to say no without feeling guilty
• Separate our needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from those of other people
• Empower you to make healthy choices and have good habits
• Take responsibility for oneself
• Have high self-esteem and self-respect
• Share your personal information gradually and only with trusted friends/partner
• Protect your physical and emotional space from invasion or intrusion
• Be able to take care of your own needs
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared between you both

It is important to set healthy boundaries whether we are in or out of a personal relationship. They allow us to be ourselves and to take care of our own self-care needs.

But in a relationship “when one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002). In other words, healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

So what do we need to do to set these boundaries?

Setting Boundaries In A Relationship.

Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship. To have the healthiest relationship, both people should know each other’s wants, goals, fears and limits.

You should feel comfortable being yourself around a  person you are with or dating. You should also feel comfortable enough to honestly communicate your needs to any potential partner without being afraid of what they might do in response.

If your partner tells you that your needs are stupid, gets angry with you or goes against what you’re comfortable with, then your partner is not showing you the respect you deserve. These should be major red flags for you and could spell a disastrous future relationship.

I’ve listed some of the key boundaries and talking points for a relationship below. They aren’t in any particular order so use your common sense when applying them to your relationship.

If you are in a long-term relationship and find that many of these boundaries are unhealthy for you? Then it’s time to talk to a psychologist or trained couple counsellor.

Note: If you feel you are in a domestic violence situation please make sure you are safe, you can read more here.

Open Communication Is Key.

If you can’t talk openly and don’t have good listening skills then you need to learn them first and foremost. If you click the link it will show you how to develop good communication skills in a relationship.

Talking about your boundaries with your partner.

This a great way to make sure that each person’s needs are being met and you feel safe in your relationship. Both of you should feel comfortable sharing with each other. But remember to take your time being open with someone fully. It should be a mutually respectful relationship that you can gradually share in.

There are boundaries you need to set up in every healthy relationship early. These are not just how your partner can or can’t treat you. But a roadmap for how your relationship will work and how you will get your needs met.

Something as simple as what you can call each other can cause problems.

It’s not unusual for some couples, as they get closer, to call each other pet names. But for some that makes them uncomfortable. This boundary again comes down to being able to communicate openly and show respect for each other’s wishes.

This also covers phrases you might use in how you speak to each other. You have to understand for some people they may have trigger words. These could be from a past experience or from childhood, that will cause them to have flashbacks or feel disrespected.

Again you need to communicate what you feel comfortable with to your partner calling you.

How you will fight or settle disagreements.

This one of the most important boundaries you can set in a relationship. You also need to establish that you each know how you will treat each other. If one needs a time out to be alone when they get upset then that will need to be respected.

If you feel your temper rise perhaps have a signal word that is used to mean “I need to take a break here but we will continue after I have calmed down”.

In essence, you also need to establish what each partner needs when they’re sad, frustrated, etc. Good communication skills will help here.

Another important emotional boundary is saying the L word.

Just because your partner says“I love you”  doesn’t mean you have to. This can happen for different people at different times in a relationship. So never feel guilty you may not be ready yet to say it for many reasons. But do let the other person know how you feel when they say this, be honest here.

You’ll need to talk about what your goals are for the relationship. You’ll probably find that you’re both on the same page for the relationship and the goals you both have anyway if it’s come to the L word being said.

Before you even have sex you might need to decide how you will commit to each other? 

Some couples need monogamy while other make open relationships work. Never assume your partner isn’t seeing other people unless you ask, especially in a new relationship.

Then you both need to discuss whether it’s okay to flirt, even online, with other people? What about kissing someone else? For some people, they feel this isn’t cheating but for others, it’s definitely infidelity.

Only you as a couple can decide how your relationship will go. But be very clear with one another.

Will you encourage each other to develop personally? 

Personal development looks at you, your life, your relationships – all of them – and your career. Will your partner support you in all of this as you change and grow as a person? For more details on how to do this click here.

How you’ll have sex.

Never feel pressurised to make the decision to get physical with your partner. Take your time. Your partner should be understanding particularly if you have good communication with each other.

In a healthy relationship, both parties know how far the other is willing to go and they use open communication to communicate with each other. There is certainly no rule book that says you must have sex by a certain date or age or any other time in a relationship. You as a couple decide this together.

When a partner violates sexual boundaries it isn’t just unhealthy, it is abuse and a crime. Sex should never be used as a currency either. Just because your partner buys you dinner, a gift, or says “I love you” doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them.

You both need to decide when and with whom you will have sex, what you find healthy for you in the bedroom. What you will or will not take part in. It’s not good when you fail to communicate your needs in the bedroom. Nor for your partner to find out that what they have been doing is nothing but killing your mood.

How often you’ll communicate with each other.

During the day or not at all during work. You need to decide this together, one partner may feel the interruption is too much. Especially during work if they are getting constant texts or phone calls (I’ll talk social media separately).

Establish this boundary early on in the relationship, but however you do it, make sure to check the following. If they insist on calling you or have you call them to check in constantly. If they are constantly texting or calling to find out what you are doing. These could be red flags and are about power and control.

If they overstep the rules for communicating with you, even after they have agreed with them, again a red flag. They are not able to keep a healthy boundary.

How you act on Social Media and what should your digital relationship look like? 

Do you want co-workers knowing about your private life if you’re friends on social media? Some people are comfortable putting their relationship up on social media others are not.

You need to respect that and establish what each of you are comfortable with. Other problems that could arise.

Do you want you new partner still communicating with exes (doesn’t apply to people with children) or being friends on social media with exes? How do you both feel about this?

Is it okay to tag them in photos, add them as a friend or follow their friends? Add them to a post, tweet or comment about your relationship?

What about actually using each other’s devices? What expectations do you have if you share and they decide not to, how will you feel? What about passwords to your devices or intimate photos and sexting?

It isn’t safe at the start of a relationship to share your passwords with someone you barely know, wait until you trust them completely. Have you talked about what happens to any private photos or conversations if you split up, how will they be protected?

The point is, you need to share your feelings before you share your status and respect those digital boundaries. It’s okay to create a digital agreement between the two of you. This can evolve as your relationship develops.

But if your partner asks you to do something that just doesn’t feel right, or they try to control you in some way? That’s when you get to say that this isn’t healthy for you.

What about finances? 

Again in a new relationship, you wouldn’t share your pin number or passwords for your online bank account. But later on, you move in together who will pay what? Or will you establish a joint bank account for bills?  Who will contribute, how much? A 50/50 split or maybe they earn more than you, so should the split be higher?

When will you discuss bills and finances, once a week or month? What happens if your partner is an addict, will you bail them out of debt? Or if they become unemployed what happens then?

You need to decide these things before they happen and as a couple. You need to have clear boundaries here, as it’s the most common cause of fighting in a relationship besides kids and in-laws.

What about children? 

If you already have children, when will you introduce your new partner to them? Do you know them well enough to leave your children with them? Your new partner is looking after them: Can they discipline them? Do they know your house rules for your children?

If you move in together will they contribute to child care costs, school, medical or dental costs? If you decide to have children, how many will you have? If you decide to not have children are you both on board?

Again does your partner have the same values as you do when it comes to discipline? How you educate your children?  Will you have a particular religion in your life? If either of you wants to become a stay at home parent will the other partner support you?

Setting clear healthy boundaries helps avoid so many arguments. They show respect for each other and both of you should know what is too far in your relationship.

They equal being safe and secure in your relationship too. But know that we all make mistakes. So knowing how you will deal with these mistakes and what are your own personal red flags in dating/relationships is a good place to start.

Work With Me

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advise you to reach out for counseling if you, or a loved one, need to.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.