When we are not use to setting boundaries with others then it can cause an internal struggle for us. Often lead by guilt, fear and even shame at times. It will all depend on how you were raised or who you encountered in your life. If you do struggle then know you are not alone.

Saying No Can Be Hard For Many Of Us To Say.

Saying no can be difficult for many of us. When we grow up in a dysfunctional family it can be hard to say no and set a boundary with someone else. We may feel guilty and afraid to ask for what we need and want. In dysfunctional homes it is very unlike that we learnt how to set healthy boundaries in the first place.

There are people who will put us down, treat us like door mats or are never happy no matter what. Then there are those who will use and abuse those who come into contact with them. So please be careful and think of your safety before setting a boundary with these people. Sometimes leaving is the best boundary we can set with these people.

How Boundaries Help Us In Our Daily Lives.

Putting in place strong healthy boundaries will help as these are the foundation of our sense of self-worth and our interactions with others. Remember healthy boundaries allow us to:

• Be assertiveby stating opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs in a respectful manner; ability to say yes or no, and are okay when others say no.
  • Separate our needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others.
  • Empowerus to make healthy choices and take responsibility for oneself.
  • Have high self-esteem and self respect.
  • Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
  • Protect our physical and emotional space from invasion or intrusion.
  • Help us to take care of our own needs.
  • Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.

We Can All Struggle With Setting Boundaries.

It’s okay if you feel you are struggling to set boundaries. As I discussed last week boundaries cover a wide variety of areas in our life. We might be good at setting boundaries with colleagues but not so good with family or vice a versa. But remember it is never too late to learn to set a boundary with someone.

If you think that these is a problem for you then please reach out to a therapist. They will be able to help you learn this skill.

It is a skill we can all learn and a daily habit that we need to reaffirm every day. At the start we may feel we are taking two steps forward and one step back. But don’t worry. It’s only natural as it’s a new learning curve.

Take your time, expect that you will feel guilt and fear, be patient with yourself, ask what you can learn from your experience and then reset the boundary again next time. The point is to keep going and try to be as consistent with people.

Tips To Setting Boundaries Without Feeling Guilt.

1 Know That You Matter.

At the heart of a healthy boundary is our need to feel respected. As I said before when we are raised in a dysfunctional family our needs, wants, thoughts and emotions were probably dismissed. We didn’t feel respected. No healthy boundaries were set. We need to now learn that we matter.

We need to know that what we say, think, and feel matters. Our health, dreams, and needs matter. When we set boundaries with ourselves and others we are declaring that we matter and deserve to be treated with respect.

In saying that we can’t control how others behaviour or think. But if we don’t know we matter then how are we to expect others to think it? If we don’t expect others to treat us with respect then how do we expect others to do so? Our first port of call in setting boundaries without feeling guilt is to decide we matter and expect the respect that goes with that. Its’ about doing what’s right for us not by trying to do the impossible in trying to control others.

2 Be Clear In How You Communicate With Others.

Making sure you communicate in a clear and direct manner will help reduce guilt. Remember you are allowed to ask for what you need and there is no need to apologize for that. Saying no to someone is okay. Remember no is a full sentence and statement requiring no explanation. So if you need to say no do so.

Excessive and unnecessary apologies, explanations or justifications only muddy the water. The other person may become confused by what you are trying to say. They may think you don’t mean what you are saying and will keep trying to persuade you. Keep it simple, clear and direct, thereby leaving the miscommunication at the door.

Be very clear with yourself about what you are trying to achieve when you set a specific boundary with someone. If you are clear about what it is you want to achieve then you can communicate it in a clear manner and you have a better chance of standing your ground. It may be helpful to write down what you want and why. You can rehearse it out before hand and this will help with stress or anxiety.

I know saying no can be hard but with patience and practice you’ll find it easier. Examining why we can’t seem to say no will help. There can be a variety of reasons and I’ve listed some in my blog and video on difficulties with saying no. I’ve also listed some ways to help you overcome this in the blog.

3 Expect The Resistance.

If we haven’t set a boundary with someone before then when we start we can expect resistance. After all this isn’t how you usually behave and we can feel guilty. It’s a new message for them in how you will interact with them in future. It may be confusing for them and resistance will arise.

Sometimes people need time and patience just as much as we need to have with ourselves when we start this new skill. They’ll try to get you to go back to old ways. But if you are clear, consistent and persistent then they’ll get the message. If we can remember that they need us to do this to help them adjust then we can reduce our guilt also.

Remember we are not responsible for how others feel, think or behave. They have to accept the consequences for their own actions. Part of being consistent means we have to follow through with the consequences if someone crosses a boundary.

For others though they will never be happy at these changes. They will try manipulation, anger, coercion, lie, bad mouth you, etc. People who act like this are not ones you want to continue having in your life. They will never accept boundaries from you, or others either.

One common reason for not setting boundaries besides our guilt is our fears. Fear of not being liked and conflict. We don’t like to upset others even to the point we are sacrificing our own needs. But we need to stand our ground, not accept bad behaviour from others and walk away. If you need to ask for help and make sure you are safe. But remember if someone won’t accept your right to set boundaries then it confirms they are exactly the people we need to set a boundary with!

4 Remember It’s Not A One Time Thing.

Setting boundaries, even when we get good at this skill, is still an on-going thing. It is certainly not a one time, done and dusted thing. We need to make sure we are setting boundaries continuously. When we realize this it can help reduce our guilt and fears.

With some people it will be more hard work than with others and they may never get the idea. Plus as our lives change our boundaries will change too to match our new needs, wants, values and beliefs. That’s okay, as with all things in our life it is a learning curve.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.