Right now we have had to adapt to a new way of living. Our peace of mind and our mental health has been, and continues to be, tested daily. Our relationships are being put under some strenuous pressures on top of the usually ones.

We Need Time Out

Research tells us that we all need some time to ourselves every day and if we are not getting even half an hour to ourselves things can quickly erupt. Even the small things or situations have a way of escalating very quickly into a bigger argument because of that.

Small problems we thought were only minor can come under increasing scrutiny and can fester. This will lead, if left untreated, to a breakdown in a relationship. So taking some time as a couple, talking things out and seeking professional advice quickly, if needed, is more important than ever.

Worry Is Normal Right Now

We are worried about what will happen in the future. About the possibility of getting sick, and about what could happen to our children, our friends and family. Some people have lost their business or job so this has added a financial pressure to our lives and relationship. Some people are still working. If your partner has to leave the home right now it will add to your worries and will put a pressure on your relationship too.

But what if you are trying to work from home?

Even if you have no children, your relationship will be tested by this. Add in children and trying to keep them occupied, safe, home-schooled, etc. Then the pressure to you, and your relationship, goes up even more. Trying to work may seem impossible at times.

If we are trying to work from home what are some things that might help?

All relationships are based on the premise of mutual respect. Part of that respect has to also include a respect for each other’s work. It is important to recognize that compromise will be needed if you are both trying to work from home. But also that if only one of you is working, and you have children, that the partner who is looking after the children all day needs a break too.

1 Sit down and talk about what you both need.

1. Setting boundaries and communicating clearly with each other is going to be key here. Don’t attempt to do everything or change it all at once. It simply won’t work and may make the situation worse.
2. Don’t use the phrase “we need to talk”. If someone hears this they may tune out or make a situation worse. You want to create an atmosphere of cooperation here, not more arguments.
3. Sit down by yourself and make a priority list. What needs to be compromised on first. Where do you need help, etc? You can do a brain dump. Get everything out on paper first, and then priorities 3 things you need help with or need to talk through.
4. You can invite your partner to do the same thing and ask them to schedule some time alone together to have this discussion. You might be surprised that they have the same topics on their list. Make sure you can be alone and that you are neither tired or angry when you sit down together.

2 Be honest with one another.

1. Don’t let the conversation devolve into a full blown row. Nerves may be grated at this stage, fuses may be shorter. So take that into consideration. Remember you both have needs and wants here, so has your relationship. It’s kind of like a third party in all this. It needs nurturing too. Your relationship, your family, your mental, and physical, health is far more important now than anything else right now.
2. Remember this isn’t a time to nag or moan at one another. Rather concentrate on the 3 or 4 main points you want to make. Take turns. Each of you gets to bring up one point at a time. Really listen to what is being said. Use your “I” statements and clarify what has been said so that you are clear before making a response.
3. If at any stage things become heated, let it go. Take a break or use the “48 hour rule” if need be. (I talk about communicating while angry here).

3 Start to create a workable contract with one another.

This doesn’t just have to be about work but include your relationship, self-care needs, your children, etc. Make sure you mark in a monthly or weekly review of this contract in case things slide or relapse. Be willing to again be honest about this. 

1. Make time to go over each other’s schedule every night, make this a nightly event with each other. You can also use that time to pay bills together and discuss the children. This way you can see what the other person is working on and what needs to be prioritized the next day.
2. Who does what, and when, with the kids? Home-schooling and supervision doesn’t just fall to one parent. If you are both working a degree of daily flexibility is needed.
3. Set work hours and specific times you need to be online for work. There’s nothing worse than everyone trying to access the same limited broadband at the same time. If you have more flexible times than your partner then you both need to work around those times.
4. Mark out time daily for basic self-care. You both need this and it should be number one on your list when you schedule out your time. You will also need time alone. This can be part of your self-care time.
5. Respect the work environment. There are a few things we need to remember here. 1. If you haven’t already set up a work area. If you can keep it out of your bedroom and if possible have two work areas if you are both working. 2. If one person needs to be online, or is one an important call, respect that. Maybe you have to postpone watching a TV show as there isn’t enough bandwidth or you need to keep the kids quiet at that time. Think these things through and plan together. If you are the one working then make sure to close doors and use earphones or headsets to minimize noise. Plus turn down your notifications. There’s nothing worse than the constant ding, ding noise while someone is trying to work. If schedules change then let your partner know. 3. If you are sharing a work space or using a dining room then remember you won’t be able to leave work things lying around and not expect them to be moved or touched by children. You need a system to help keep things clear and that can be quickly moved if needed. 4. Don’t just interrupt one another. If you are on a call then have a system in place to let the other partner, and children, know you can’t be interrupt right now. This can be as simple as putting a sign on the door of the room you are in. Again plan this together and explain it to the children. Yes there will be times when they get it wrong, so plan for this and how you will handle it in advance. 5. If you need to take an important call or are a video chat and are sharing a space think about stepping out of the room and bring a notebook with you for any notes. Remember to also warn others in the house if you are on a video chat. You don’t want a child, teen or partner walking in on the call in their PJ’s or having a screaming match. (At least try and minimize this happening) 6. Remember your boss or clients are all in the same boat and will understand. 7. Remember communication and a little advanced planning is key!

4 Keep to a routine.

1. Make sure you are getting up at your usual time and get dressed for work. It may be a little more casual than you would normally do. Perhaps not your usual uniform or suit. When we stay in our PJ’s it can feel very monotonous. It all seems like work-eat-bed, and that can become depressing.
2. Make sure you look after your basic self-care needs. Have a set time to start work each day. Remembering that dressing in a smart casual manner for working at home will help you and the rest of the household get into the frame of mind that this is still work even if it is from home.
3. Make it part of you routine to also change into something more relaxing after dinner as a way of marking the end of the working day. These might seem small and a bit fussy in a way. But they will help your focus and motivation and demarks what is work time and what isn’t at home.
4. If you have lost your job it can be easy to slip into a depressive state. But remember you can use this time to learn a new skill or learn something that you always wanted to that could be useful to your job. You can also review what you want to do next with your career. You have time now to explore your options and we need to remember that we do still have options. Free courses for Adults And Older Children (18+ or 16+ If as a parent you think the course is suitable)

https://www.futurelearn.com/your-courses

https://alison.com/courses

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

5 Plan time away from work together and as a family.

1. You also need time as a couple each week. Not to pay any bills, talk about the kids, house, jobs, etc. But just to be a couple. If you have a teen think about paying them to look after the younger ones while you crave out time alone to do something just for yourselves as a couple.

It could be a simple 20 minute walk together or watching a movie without the children. Brain storm some ideas, make them varying in length in case you can’t do what you had planned.

2. Plan time to do things together with the children. Yes we may have to get creative here, but don’t feel you have to do anything big either. The children won’t mind what you do, they’ll remember the time spent together not what you actually did.
3. Make sure to turn off notifications and social media before dinner each evening. You need to a lot time to be together as a couple and a family each night. If you are both caught up with your devices then how can you interact with one another and the children?

Make it a family rule to leave devices in bedrooms while you have dinner together, it allows you time to catch up as a family. This is so important for your child’s mental health also, they need your undivided time so they can talk about their concerns.

4. If you are trying to home-school, especially with little support from the school, please remember that all you can do is your best. Every child is in the same boat at the moment, so your child will not fall behind. I have blogged about home-school and given some tips in this blog which also includes links to free resources you can download and print off.

Remember that you are in this together and try to keep a sense of humour.

My Book.

Did you know I talk more about working on forgiveness, shame, guilt, boundaries plus more topics in my book and workbook The Building Blocks Of Self-Care? You can purchase it here.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.

If you are in an abusive relationship please seek support:

Ireland Supports For Domestic Violence

Women’s Aid 1800 341 900

Men’s Aid 01 554 3811

LGBTQ+ 1890 929 539

Childline 1800 666 666 TXT 50101

Samaritans 116 123

UK Supports For Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

Refuge 0808 2000 247

Men’s Advice Line, for male DV survivors 0808 801 0327

The Mix, info & support under 25s   0808 808 4994

National LGBT+ DV 0800 999 5428

Samaritans 116 123