There is an ever increasing pressure and stress placed on children and teens. Although we can’t protect them fully from everything that they may experience we can teach them skills to deal with them. These skills are better coping strategies that give them resilience in the face of adversity and stress.

What is Resilience?

If we are resilient we are more likely to be able to cope well with life’s challenges. Resilience helps us to grow and step outside of our comfort zones. We are more likely to use healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress, tragedies and even traumatic events. We are less likely to develop mental health issues including anxiety and depression.

Resilience is a quality and a skill that we can be taught. Unlike other mental health skills which we can be taught when things are going well or badly we actually need challenges in order to learn more resilience. So what components make up resilience?

The 7 C’s Of Resilience.

Dr Kenneth Ginsburg, child pediatrician, proposed that there are 7 integral and interrelated components that make up being resilient. These are:

1. Competence: This is the “know how” of effectively handling stressful situations. In other words, the coping strategies needed to face most challenges that a rise. Plus an opportunity to practice these skills so that the child feels competent when the stressful situation arises.
2. Confidence which is rooted in competence and thus the child learns to believe in their own abilities.
3. Connection, especially to you as their parent and other close family, friends and community. Its gives them a stronger sense of belonging and security.
4. Character covers a number of things from having a strong self of self, confidence, empathy, empowerment, to values. When children have a strong sense of identity they can be more empowered to make wiser choices in their lives.
5. Contribution to their community and others. As the child realizes their contributions matter and are appreciated so too does their resilience grow. Contribution also increases competence, character and connection.
6. Coping skills that enables the child to be more effective and better prepared for situations and people they may encounter. These coping skills would include social skills and stress/anxiety reduction techniques.
7. Control over their choices, decision and actions. If a child realizes they do have control over these they can realize that they have the power to change things.

First Off You Need To Model Resiliency.

One of the best ways we can teach resilience is to model it for our children. There are a variety of techniques we can use to help us build resilience. I outlined these in another blog and video aimed at adults. Any of the techniques outlined in that blog can be taught to our child. But in this blog I thought I’d concentrate on two tips only.

1 Help Them Building Connections.

Build Connection With You.

Research shows how important building connections are to any relationship but none more so than that first relationship in childhood. In this relationship children learn how to navigate the world around them. They need the safety and security we as parent can provide for them. With this they can build their self-confidence and resilience.

A way to build connection is to use daily habits and I’ve outlined a number of ways you can do this in another blog and video. But it is equally important that we help them also to build connections with others.

Help Them Build Connection With Others.

As children we are not always aware of those that surround and support us. We can be more likely to be caught up with the latest best friend or any sibling.  As parents it’s important that the child knows others are proud of them and support them.

Anything we can do to help build the child’s connection to extended family and close friends is important. But only if these connections are positive for the child. Never force a connection either. Try to brainstorm a list with the child of how they’d like to make time for connections with those important to them.

Encourage your child to be helpful to others also.

Volunteering to help others can be empowering, but only if no guilt or shaming is involved. You can start by asking them to help around the home. Then you can brainstorm ideas with them as to ways they would like to help outside of the home. This is always age appropriately of course. The whole emphasis is on how they would like to help not what you want them to do.

Let them know that it’s okay to ask for help.

Resilience isn’t about going it alone and soldiering on. Part of resilience is to recognize when to ask for help. Make sure children understand that it’s okay to ask for help. In fact they need to know that it takes a lot of courage to ask for support and help at times. Making connections with positive people that can support them when they need it is also vital.

2 Nurture Their Optimism.

One key characteristic of resilience is optimism. But just like adults some children may seem more naturally optimistic than others. But optimism can be nurtured even in an already pessimist child. It’s all about helping them to reframe their thinking and for you to model optimism.

Make Sure Your Model Optimism.

Children will model what they see and hear. It’s important for children to hear the good points about life. It’s not that we are covering things up. But instead of only focusing on the negative side we point out what is good too. Try to watch how you phrase things, especially how you speak about yourself and others important to the child.

Start From What The Child Knows.

Resilience is about getting back up after facing a challenge. It’s not that we can avoid the feelings, the grief, sadness, pain or the mistakes. But it is all about how we reflect and learn then get back on track again in our own time.

If we want to build resilience and optimism in children we have to meet them where they already are and build out from there. So what are they already good at? How do they already handle setbacks? Once we understand what our child already knows and understand then we can help them learn. Some things we can teach them that will help will be around accepting change, setting goals, and reframing failure.

Help Them To Accept Change Is Inevitable.

Change is hard and scary for adults. You can imagine that it is harder still for children. But they need to learn that it is an inevitable part of life and doesn’t have to be scary.

Making sure to keep the lines of communication open between you and them will be vital here. Having discussions about change will help. These conversations will of course need to be age appropriate. But use real life examples or something from their favourite TV show or movie will also work in bring up the topic of change.

Pointing out that change is occurring around them all the time, from the seasons, to people moving home, changing class or school, etc., can all serve as examples for discussions about change and how positive it can be.

Reframe Their Idea About Failure.

Making mistakes is part of what makes us human. Almost all of the really significant advancements in science, technology, and medicine are based on experiments involving trial and error. So encourage your child to analysis what happened.

You can use the following questions to help.

1. What went well? Something will have gone right but we can be so focused on the mistake we don’t recognize it.
2. What did not go well?
3. Acknowledge the external factors that contributed?
4. What did you learned? Ask for advice if you need to. Brainstorming some ideas here together might help.
5. Make a plan for how you will improve or do things differently next time. Create an action list of small actionable steps you can take from now on.
6. Celebrate what you have learnt, no matter how small. This is a vital step.

Now teach them to move on quickly instead of dwelling on the mistake.

Show Them How To Set Realistic Goals.

Make sure they are positive and realistic goals. Talk in a positive way to them about their goals. Remember if they hear you talk in a negative way about yourself, or any goals you have, they will copy you.

Make sure the chances of success are high. So don’t make the goal too big, small steps to success is key here. Let them know it can be hard but they can achieve this.

Show them how to get organized, focused and on track in order to succeed with their goals. This will help with their motivation. Motivation may get them going but habits will keep them going. I discuss how to break down goals for teens in my blog on the keys to success for teens.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.