What is grief?

Grief is our natural response to losing someone or something, the death of a family member or friend, a relationship ends, loss of your job. Other life changes may bring about grief such as chronic illness, disability in you or loved one, even moving home or country.

For the first six months, at least, you’ll feel like it’s an emotional rollercoaster of denial, sadness, crying, loneliness. The first year brings with it all the missed anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, all the usual family celebrations, etc.

Even after a period of time, we can go through a short grieving period when we realise a loved one has missed a very special family occasion such as a baptism, birth of a child, wedding, etc. So don’t be surprised that you find yourself reliving those same stages of grief again in the run-up to, or on, the day.

The most important thing to take from this blog is that everyone grieves differently. But if you understand the process that grief takes, give yourself time to grieve, understand your emotions, start to take care of yourself, and seek support, you can heal and life will get better again.

What Are the Stages of Grief?

First off let me say you can’t control this process. It is helpful to understand this process and the reasons behind why you are feeling as you are in each stage. These stages allow you to come to terms with your loss in a slowly evolving manner. It can’t be rushed and never should be. Never let anyone else dictate where you are in this process or where they think you should be.

As I’ve said it takes time and everyone is different. In saying that, people can get stuck and need help at times. If you find yourself in need of help please reach out to a qualified counsellor. Psychologists have identified and outlined five common stages of grief. These are:

1. Denial 

   When you first learn of a loss it is normal to feel shocked or numb as you are overwhelmed by what has happened. It is a normal defence mechanism to enable you to cope at that time. But it is temporary. Even if a loved one is old or very sick prior to death you will still enter the denial stage.

2. Anger 

   When the reality of what has happened hits, we are faced with the pain of what has happened. We may feel frustrated and helpless and then angry. It’s common to direct that anger at other people, our higher power, life in general or even at our dead loved one, as they have left you to cope alone.

3. Bargaining 

   The next stage we enter is bargaining. We dwell on the what if’s or if only’s. We can try and bargain with our higher power or others too.

4. Depression 

   So after bargaining we enter a depression. The sadness of our loss sets in and we see how our lives have been affected by that loss. We can feel very hard done by at this stage. Depression can keep some people trapped at this stage. So please be aware of the signs and if you are depressed for a long period of time contact your GP or counsellor for help. You may not even realise you have gotten stuck here but friends and family may recognise the symptoms and help you. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite, plus you may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.

5. Acceptance 

   You’ve entered this final stage of grief. You accept the reality of your loss and the fact it can’t be changed.  It doesn’t mean you’re not sad at this loss. But you are able to start moving on with your life again.

As I’ve said every person goes through these phases in their own way. You can go back and forth between stages, or skip one or more stages altogether. Again be aware that reminders of your loss, such as family events, the anniversary of a death or a familiar song, can trigger the return of grief.

How Long Is Too Long to Mourn?

There’s no such thing as a “normal” amount of time to grieve. How long you grieve for will depend on many factors, including what or who you are grieving for.

Other factors will include your personality, age, beliefs, how close you were with the person,  does the loss affect your sense of identity and your support network. Remember with time the sadness will ease and you will find happiness and joy again. Life will return to a new normal for you.

How to cope with grief?

1. Understand the stages of grief and accept that grieving is normal. You will go through these stages, you will cry, get angry and have emotional outbursts, sometimes at the wrong moment. These emotions will settle down particularly after the first six months to one year.
2. Give yourself time to grieve. Again each person is different here. Make sure you don’t let others dictate how or when you can grieve. Take all the time you need and make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
3. Surround yourself with good family and friends. Spending all your time alone isn’t good, it will only make you feel worse. But spending time with negative people won’t be good either. So make sure to surround yourself with loving, kind, support family or friends only. Keep in regular contact. Do try and make the effort to go out even for a cup of tea or coffee at the start. Let people nurture you, buy you lunch or make dinner for you.
4. As they say get busy, get better. Although it may be hard some days it’s better to have a good routine while you are grieving. Be kind and patient with yourself too. As you may make mistakes you wouldn’t normally make and that’s normal. Sometimes we need a very structured routine to help us get through the day. It may feel too structured to others but it may be what we need and that’s okay too.
5. It’s okay to make time for things you enjoy. It’s important to do things you enjoy to boost your spirits. You may feel guilty. A loved one is missing out or you shouldn’t do these things after all you’re grieving and others may judge you. Or you may become fearful to try these things again as something bad might happen if you do. Let these thoughts go, it’s okay and normal to enjoy life even while you are grieving.
6. Connect with your faith if you have one. Whatever your religious beliefs it can bring comfort to connect with it and your faith will help you mourn. It can be normal for people to turn away from their religion during grief. But they later return and find comfort in it.
7. Get help if needed. From a therapist, support group, family, friends, books or articles can all be very helpful. Remember you are never alone so reach out if you need to. If you feel you are stuck or have developed severe mood swings, emotional or physical problems please seek the help of your GP and a grief counsellor immediately.
8. Despite the loss live your life to its fullest. Yes you will probably not be able to do this until you have reached the acceptance stage. But when you do remember your loved one would have wanted you to be happy. If you are grieving for other reasons, other than death, then living your life can often be the best way to show others that, although they wrote you off, you won’t write yourself off too.
9. Examine your personal beliefs. If you believe that you will find happiness again after a loss then you will. What you believe will make you more, or less, likely to seek out happiness and joy in life again. So choose wisely. Taking time now with a therapist to examine what it is you believe in, or how positive or negative your thoughts are, can be both enlightening and rewarding.

Advice on how on to help children deal with grief click here.

Work With Me.

If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.