We all seem to have that never ending to do list. The one where we are always last, in fact we never seem to get on the list at all. It’s particularly problematic list for perfectionists and people pleasers. But we can all be guilty of creating a never ending to do list.

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? We know that if we keep going something will have to give and that will be us in the end. But we cannot say no to people, we want to be seen as the “good girl” or the “nice person”.

The Affects Of Not Saying No On Our Mental Health.

Our fear of saying no means we usually end up doing everything for others and not a lot, if anything at all, for ourselves. As a result we end up suffering burn out, stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental and physical health issues.

Then the very people we were helping will simply move on to someone else to have their needs met. The relationships are usually not very healthy ones and based around unhealthy boundaries.

It really doesn’t matter how we get there. The point is we need to be able to say no when we need to and reduce the guilt while doing so. There are some tips on dealing with the guilt below.

Some Hard Facts To Start With.

Fact 1: There are only twenty-four hours in a day. We can’t change that. It’s a hard fact to accept for some of us. We can’t control time either.

Fact 2: Even when we don’t set boundaries with ourselves or others, time sets a very hard boundary with us. If we run out of time, we can’t get more.

Fact 3: If you attempt to borrow time you are doing so at the detriment of your own wellbeing. If we keep borrowing time we will only make ourselves ill.

Points Worth Remembering.

When we review our to do list we can start to move things to our not to do list. Once on that list they never come off. That’s the main golden rule of having a not to do list. We need to also realize that this review will tie in with a number of other issues. These include dealing with negative thinking and people, making sure we have a basic self-care routine going, our ability to set healthy boundaries and our self-esteem/confidence.

Remember if you make small incremental changes to any of the above then you will find your to do list naturally growing smaller. Thus your not to do list grows larger and your stress grows smaller. Building your not to do list is all about freeing your time and energy up to focus it where you really need it to be.

If you go all in and make, or change, things up too quickly you may feel stressed and overwhelmed. Slow and steady baby steps are the better way forward here. These you can build upon and they will in turn build your motivations and confidence.

So remember to succeed you need to:

1. Keep it simple!
2. Build in the changes slowly.
3. Baby steps equals success.
4. Creating a not to do list is important and is part of a new healthier, more positive, lifestyle.
5. So you want any positive changes and new habits to stick!

How Do We Create A Not To Do List.

As always our first step is raising our awareness. Remember you can’t change what you don’t see. The first thing we need to do is make a list of all our activities. This will include our current to do lists, people we help, etc. You can divide this between work and personal if you wish. But only pick one to work on at a time.

So make sure to make a note of everything you do. I mean everything! Take your time over the next two weeks to find out where you are spending your time, energy and on what or whom. That can include: people interrupting you, quick calls that take up more time than you thought, appointments, tasks, etc.

Some Things To Watch For Here.

1. Who or what is a negative buster to you? Everything we do or every person we encounter will either be an energy booster to us or buster. We are looking for negative busters here so we can delete them.
2. How much of your time is really going on something or someone that is a buster to your energy? Make a note of the real time you are spending on this beside your record of the person/task/appointment, etc.
3. Is there anything on the list that is really out of your control but you’ve put it there hoping you can control or change it? Let it go, drop it off your list. You cannot control anyone but yourself.
4. Or what about an old gaol that you still have on the list but have never gotten around to doing it?If you have never made any inroads on this goal, then park it for now. You can always create a vision board around this and then let it go from your to do list/goals. Remember you are not giving up on it if you don’t want to. It just means that you are only parking the gaol for now so you can make room in your head and life for what matters most right now.  You can review it at a later time, set a time limit on it e.g. 1 year from now, 5 years, etc
5. Another thing to watch here is the guilt. Yes it’s going to come up here. If you are feeling guilty for taking your time or energy away from something or someone then you have to look at your thinking on this.
6. What or who is keeping you trapped. If you are honest then it is probably you. What pay-off are you receiving for doing all these things? You need to start clearing your mind of your negative thinking and your life of the things that are getting in the way. You need to get rid of the things that are no longer serving their purpose.In other words it’s time to feel the guilt and do it anyway! (Feel the fear and do it anyway! Same thing.)

Our Second Step Is To Create The Not To Do List.

Now is the time to delete or delegate. Place all the things you want to stop doing or people you want to stop meeting/engaging with immediately on this list. Remember once on this list they never come off it! Don’t throw this list away. Keep it where you can access it and update this regularly.

We do have a habit of falling back into old ways so you’ll need to review your to do list regularly and update the not to do list at the same time. Particularly if you find you have fallen into the trap of doing something similar (task or activity) that is negative for you. Or you have engaged with someone who is negative or draining either.

Think of the not to do list as a reminder to not do something again. But it can also serve to remind you that you survived this person or handled a difficult situation or task. So on the list goes:

1. Things that drain my energy. (energy and time busters)
2. People that drain my energy.
3. Things or situations I will avoid or say no to in the future.
4. As well as people I will say no to in the future.
5. Any tasks that you can delegate to someone else. Once it’s delegated it is no longer your job to complete it. You can check up on it but you don’t do the job.

Remember if you find yourself unable to avoid a task or situation or person immediately you could create another list of these. Then place them on the not to do list once you have completed the task or are able to disengage from that person.

What’s The Point Of Having A Not To Do List?

Remember the goal of having a not to do list is to make time and energy for you. It’s about making some room for what is important to you. Top of the list each week is time for some self-care first. That’s what you mark into your diary first thing each week. Then your other commitments. But only if they serve you, or your family, in a positive manner.

Doing a review of where you spend your time and energy should have shown up where your time problem lies. The areas in your life where you are not making the best use of your time or energy should become obvious. Are there areas that are being taken over by other people perhaps?

If guilt is still a problem for you and you cannot bring yourself to hand back things to the person responsible for it, then ask yourself why?  These people are adults. I’m assuming we are talking about adults here. Treat them as such and with enough respect to hand them back their responsibilities. If these people cannot be an adult, it is not your responsibility to cover or enable them.

Yes you will feel guilty about doing this, in some cases, but you are overloaded, stressed out, you will burn out if you don’t do this. They will get someone to replace you. Yes they will also be upset with you, let these people go, if you need to, they are probably using or manipulating you and you are probably not the first one. They may kick off about the changes, walk away from them, do not let them deter you from making this change.

I know there seems to be a lot to do here. It can be done very quickly, over the next month, or at your own pace. It’s not a race and you can change as much or as little as you want at a time. It’s up to you. You are the one in charge! It’s you taking back control over your life. Please remember to stop if you need to. You can go back to it at anytime. Don’t forget you can reach out and ask for help at anytime if you need to.

Reach Out For Support.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. In fact I would strongly advice you make sure you create a positive support system before you start to make any changes in your life. One part of that positive support system is working a therapist. Please reach out to a local therapist if you need to.

My Workbooks

I offer a variety of tips and discuss a range of topics in my workbooks The Building Blocks Of Self-Care, Moving Towards Self-forgiveness, The Little Book Of Reflection And Gratitude and Building Acceptance Into Your Life. You can purchase them on Amazon or here.