First off you never have to put up, or interact, with negative people even if they are close family members. The choice is now yours as an adult. You may not have had a choice as a child but you do now. A lot of the time we don’t realize we do have this choice. Realizing this can be very liberating mentally.

It doesn’t matter what time of the year it is or what holiday or special family occasion it is either. From Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year, Easter, National holidays, Mother’s and Father’s day, etc. There are so many holidays during the year that we feel we have to interact with family members. During any holiday event negative people we may have avoided all year seem now to be unavoidable.

When your childhood wasn’t ideal any of these events can bring up such an array of emotions and memories. All of which can add to an already stressful situation for us. Taking back our control and power over the event in question is going to be key here.

6 Tips To Deal With Negative Family During Any Holiday Events.

Toxic family can be the hardest to set boundaries and deal with. For some they don’t realize how hard their negativity is to be around. But others are even more toxic and have little regard for others. So how can you deal with them?

1 Make Sure You Know What You Want To Happen.

We cannot plan for every event but we can plan for most of them. The first step is for you to set the agenda you want to play out. What you are prepared to do, put up with and what you are not. In other words you are stating very clearly your boundaries around the holiday in question.

So what events or family gathers will you attend? How long will you attend for? Who will you engage with when you are there? Who will you not engage with or who will you minimize your time around? What topics will you discuss? What topics are off the table for you?

Once you know the answers to these questions you are beginning to set boundaries and can make plans to handle the situation to your advantage.

2 Make Sure You Look After Yourself First.

Any holiday, or special family occasion, can be so stressful. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and managing your stress. Make sure you look after your basic needs and don’t make the mistake of letting these go.

Using the acronym HALT can help here. That means you stop what you are doing and take care of your basic needs. So if you find yourself Hungry, eat something. If you are Anxious or Angry, move away from others and calm down. Lonely, make contact with others. Tired, ask for help or simply sit down and take a break.

3 Add In Some Acceptance.

If you have decided to interact with a toxic family member then we have to remember that we cannot change them. That can be hard to accept for many of us. But once we do things tend to get easier to deal with.

Other family members may have their own perceptions about how things happened or are unfolding now. These may not, especially if you find the person negative, be in line with your memories and current reality of things. They could be in denial about what happen.  Again it’s not your job to change their minds. That can be hard for us to get our head around.

It is much harder to see things from the perspective of a toxic family member than ones we get along with. But we can still try. No that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their bad behaviour. We can still set our boundaries with them and put our plan in place. That will be vital for you.

 4 Have Your Deflections Ready.

As I said above once you know what you want you can put in place some plans. One of these could be to use deflection if you get stuck talking to the person you are trying to avoid.

People will love to talk about their favourite topics. Get them started and you’ll deflect them from whatever it was they were originally talking about or trying to interfere with. Or ask them to help you e.g. set the table, help with the children, make a part of the meal, prep vegetables, etc.

Have a list of ideas you can use before the family gathering. You know your family and you know how to deflect them best. Simply be prepared.

Note: If you have to interact with toxic people in your family then it’s better if you don’t host an event. That way when things get too much you can have an excuse ready so you can leave. Or you are better able to set specific time limits on your interactions.

5 Remember Never Take The Bait.

Family, in particular siblings, seem to know how to push the right buttons. Don’t take the bait. I know it’s hard. But if you stop dancing with the other person they have no partner to dance with.

Help yourself to stay out of the drama by not drinking while around toxic people. Using deflection and other people as buffers may help. But you also have the option if this doesn’t work to simply get up and leave them talking to themselves. Yes they may make a scene about you doing this. You can leave, it is an option for you. Plus remember if you find this person toxic or difficult to deal with then chances are other family members do too. They will understand.

Having a set time limit for how long you will remain at any event is always a good thing. At a family event it can be easy to get involved with the children. Take them for a walk or outside to play may give you enough time to allow things to calm down. If this doesn’t work then have a signal with your other half that means it’s time to leave.

Try to use other means to anchor yourself emotionally while the drama unfolds if you can’t leave. Move away from others and use the 3 minute breather can help. Pop off to the bathroom and re-centre yourself with this technique. Even the old counting to 10 a few times also helps.

If you cannot leave you can focus your attention elsewhere. This can include things such as helping out the person hosting, slipping off to the bathroom, or playing with the children, etc. The point is to have a plan in place to help you cope. So make sure you have some ideas you can use.

6 Try To Avoid Alcohol When Around Toxic People.

Don’t drink too much. This only adds fuel to the fire. When people are drunk they tend to say or do things they later regret. Don’t be one of them. Family arguments can be particularly emotional and confrontation. Even more so when alcohol is added into the mix. Remember it is only for a short period of time and you can relax when you get home.

Support Your Mental Health After The Event.

It is important to do some kind of purge to help with the residual impact of the visit. So don’t forget to let your emotions out afterwards. Journaling or talking to a positive friend about what happened will work. Or completing some gym work or punching a pillow does help to release any residual anger you may still be feeling. Reach out to your positive support system also.

If you find these interactions particularly toxic for you then please reach out for support. A therapist will be able to help and can give you coping mechanism that support your mental health.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.