Parenting a child is a difficult and at times a stressful task. As parents we normally don’t receive any training either, other than how our own parents raised us. We do what we can and hope along the way our guidance will enable our child to grown into independent adults. We start with the best of intentions and want to protect our child, but what happens if things go wrong?

Our adult child can’t get or hold down a job, keeps dropping out of college, borrows money from us all the time or they develop an addiction. What do we as parents do then? Do you, or are you, rescuing your child?

Enabling our adult children usually starts a lot earlier than our child’s adulthood, if we are being honest. Enabling is very much tied into our style of parenting. Parents will also have issues with setting healthy boundaries in other relationships and may be enabling others. Whether that is family, friends and work colleagues in their lives.

What Is Enabling?

Enabling is used by one adult to “save” another adult from the consequences of their actions. It could happen to any of us. But it usually happens in family groups between spouses, siblings or parent/child relationships. It can also happen between colleagues or boss/employee.

Examples Of How We Enable.

An enabler will rush in and removes the consequence for the other person. For example:

1. They pay a debt belonging to another.
2. Cover or lie for their family, friend or boss.
3. Completes their colleague’s work for them.
4. Lends the person money.
5. Covers for a loved ones addiction.
6. Lets the person off the hook in some way.

There are plenty more examples and the ways in which people enable others is long and varied. Enablers may be a co-dependent, I talk more about this here. The enabler’s behaviour often stems from the enabler’s own childhood. The enabler needs help just as much, if not more, as the person they are enabling.

Yes, at times a crises may occur and we need to help. But it is only acceptable if there is a plan in place that will allow the adult in question to become independent again.

Red Flags That Show You Are Enabling Your Adult Child?

1. You are taking on your adult child’s responsibilities. Looking after their children for free, paying off their debts, allowing them to live rent free in your home and not pay their share of bills, etc.
2. As a parent you lend money to your adult child knowing it will not be paid back.
3. You live in fear of saying no to your adult child.
4. We put up with abuse from our adult child – emotional, verbal, physical or financial abuse. This is domestic violence.
5. You notice the only time your adult child seems to be respectful, or they contact you, is when they want something from you.
6. Your adult child is passive aggressive towards you.
7. We know our adult child has an addiction and we enable them.
8. You know your adult child is lying and manipulating you, and/or others. But you cover for them.
9. You feel worn down by the constant chaos that seems to surround your adult child. Either because they live with you or after they visit you. It may have begun to feel normal for you to feel this way.
10. You may feel like you are living from crisis to crisis with your adult child.
11. You adult child acts entitled. Or demands you to “fix” their problems. Or demands things from you e.g. the use of your car, buying them items they just must have, etc.
12. You are sacrificing your life, health, financial needs to meet your adult child’s needs. They on the other hand are off enjoying time with friends and having holidays or buying luxury items at your expense.
13. You are feeling resentful, burdened, hurt, scared or/and burnt out.

You Are Not Alone.

Many parents can end up like this. The enabling creeps up on us as parents. Children are great at pushing our emotional buttons also. We feel if we cut them off then something awful will happen. It is only natural that we might feel fear or guilt about stopping the enabling. This will stop us from acting in the best interest of our adult child. We end up in a cycle of guilt, anger, fear and perhaps shame. These are very strong emotions to deal with and we can get stuck or even paralyzed.

What we need is to take step back and ask for help. Getting help will allow you to look at the situation in a realistic manner. Look at what emotional buttons your child is triggering. Set health boundaries and take the necessary healthy steps to allow your adult child become independent.

Please Note

If you are living with a partner you both must sing from the same hymn sheet in order for the necessary healthy steps to work. If you don’t do this together as parents then your adult child will play one off the other.

So What Can You Do For You?

I’m afraid the answers to stopping this will lie firmly with you. It is time for you to start looking after yourself first and foremost. We as parents have to stop our co-dependency and enabling first in order to help our adult child the best.

1. Ask for help: You will need professional help with a number of factors. These will include setting healthy boundaries, for your emotional and mental health, getting honest with yourself, building trust in yourself again, etc. So reach out for counselling you will need the support.
2. Start with your own self-care: Having a basic self-care routine in place is always the best starting point to changing yourself. Yes, changing yourself and your point of view will be the way forward.
3. Be honest: At least with yourself. You need to know where you are, what you have been enabling and stop making excuses. Have you been setting healthy boundaries? Do you know how to? Have you been making excuses for your adult child’s behaviour? Have you taken on their responsibilities? Are you allowing your adult child live rent and living expense free? Is your home safe for you or are you living with an abusive adult child? If you are then it’s time to reach out for help. Perhaps it time to do a review of your responsibilities. It can be a good place to start this process. 
4. Be kind to yourself: It’s time to learn compassion for yourself. You did the best job you could up until now. Forgive yourself, ask for help and move forward.
5. Start setting healthy boundaries: You can try this with others first and then move onto your child, depending upon your circumstances. It is vital that you do set boundaries with your child and hand back responsibility for their life to them. I talk about setting healthy boundaries here and in relationships here. Your therapist will aid with this also. I give more examples of how to do this with your adult child below.
6. Learn to say NO: It’s okay to do so. Speak your truth, stick to your guns but be kind also. Change is hard for you and them. Don’t accept unacceptable behaviour, lies or manipulation.
7. Learn that saying yes doesn’t mean you love them: Your child will try and push your emotional buttons. After all it worked before. They may change to new tactics also. But stay true to yourself and remember you do love them enough to help them gain their independence.
8. Change your point of view: Thinking your adult child is incapable is disrespectful to them. They may at first feel uncomfortable about you setting boundaries with them and encouraging them to take back their responsibilities. But that’s okay, they will grow and learn.
9. Withdraw the parental ATM: Alongside disconnecting the emotional buttons your child pushes, cutting off the parental ATM is huge. If you want change, you and they have to get uncomfortable to learn to re-balance. So stop paying for the necessities that really aren’t necessary at all is the first step. Yes, they can live with out the latest phones, computers, games, haircuts, clothes, make-up, cigarettes, alcohol, etc. If they don’t have their own money to buy these then they don’t get them.
10. Learn when enough is enough: You have a right to live in safety. Without abuse of any kind, in your own home. Anyone who violates this is violating not only your boundaries, but also the law. You have to say enough is enough. Out of fear and guilt you may not be able to manage this at first, but with help you will. You have the right to live in peace, spend your money on yourself, you are not responsible for your adult child.

Domestic Violence.

If you are living in an intolerable situation it’s time for your adult child to move out. You may need legal advice here as well as support from domestic violence support groups. Legally you can apply for a safety order or an eviction order through the courts. Your solicitor can help you. If you can’t afford one you can ask FLAC (Ireland) to advise you initial and apply for legal aid. Please be aware you will need a safety plan in place also. I talk about this here.

Helping Your Adult Child Without Enabling Them.

Moving your adult child into independence will take time and patience. They and you didn’t get here overnight. So try to remain calm, firm and non-controlling. At least as much as you can.

If you have a partner both of you must work together to achieve the aim of guiding your adult child into healthy independence.

Other Tips To Help.

1. If your adult child is living at home they have to contribute part of their income for room and board. They should also contribute to chores and house maintenance, with money, time and sweat equity.
2. If they can afford it ask them to move out. Or at the very least agree a time line on when they will move out. Then stick to the agreed timeline.
3. If you are paying rent for them, agree a timeline for decreasing and then stopping this.
4. Stop paying their bills, debts or for other items.  Again stop immediately or agree a time line for this to happen. 
5. Have a standard response. So that if you are caught off guard you can give this and still be true to your new boundaries. For example: They say they need money. You say “I need to discuss it with your father/mother”, or “I need to think this through first”. This will give you time to adjust, think and remain steadfast to your new rules. It also shows a united front if you both say the same thing.
6. Set limits on how you will help in a crisis. Explain how this will work to them. Encourage them instead to problem solve by asking them about their ideas first before you give your opinion.
7. Remember this is not a popularity contest. So don’t enter it. You will get emotional buttons pushed. You might even get rejected at first. But they will come around again when they learn to be an adult. That’s why you are working with a therapist, to help you deal with this fallout.
8. Remember you are allowed to change your mind about how and when you help your adult child. Be honest with them and if you can’t afford it, financial, mentally or emotionally, explain this to them.
9. If they have an addiction, they need help beyond what you can give them. You can look for support groups for them, and you. Or look for a treatment program. But they have to attend if they are to get better.

This Takes Time And Patience.

This won’t be a quick fix. It took time to get to this point with your child. Now it will take some time and patience with yourself and them. Plus some strong resolve on your part to stick to your plan. But through it all remember why you are doing this. As much as you love them, you are doing this for them. You won’t be around forever. Your child needs to grow up and become an independent adult capable of standing on their own two feet.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.