No matter how long we have been in a relationship we all have our up’s and down’s. No couple gets along one hundred percent all the time. It’s simply not possible.

But what if our repeated behaviour(s) is the common cause of these problems? Can we be honest enough with ourselves, and our partner, to admit we have a problem?

Being self-aware is often the first step we need to take.

Self-awareness allows us to see what we are doing in our relationship. It isn’t about taking all the blame. But about being honest enough to hold up our hands and say “Okay I do this and I need help to rectify my behaviour”.

People tend to use certain types of behaviour. This may be because they have either been hurt in the past, a past relationship or in childhood. Or they learnt these behaviours during childhood. If it is the former it has become a defence mechanism for them. For the latter it could have been simply taught by a parent (or guardian). In fact it may be handed down through the generations.

When we recognise our behaviours we can learn to accept ourselves more. In that way we are in a better position to change what we need to in order to build a better, stronger relationship. A word of caution though, remember that you cannot change anyone but yourself!

The 5 Most Common Behaviours.

 What are the most common behaviours therapist see that can cause problems in a relationship? These are not in any order and are not inclusive.

We fail to express ourselves appropriately.

People do this when they are afraid what the outcome might be. We hold in the resentments and avoid the conflict as we see it as negative. We assume the worst might be the only outcome instead of using healthy communication. Yes anger can feel all consuming and may be expressed in a negative manner. But if we learn how to communicate appropriately when we are angry then we can let go of these fears.

Another reason we may hold it all in is because we simply don’t know how to ask for what we need and want. We fear we will be met with a negative response to our request. Or we will be seen as needy. Both of these fears will stem from our past. There are a few explanations for this. Firstly we were simply taught that we couldn’t ask for what we wanted or needed. Or secondly we were told what we wanted was selfish, unnecessary or was ignored.

As a result we learnt to hold in all our feelings, emotions, needs and wants. We learnt unhealthy boundaries were okay. Not a very good lesson to learn at any time in our lives. This is especially true for a child when their basic needs could have been dismissed. We probably don’t set healthy boundaries in other ways either, outside of our intimate relationship.

We need help to deal with this from a therapist. Learning to communicate effectively in our relationship and to set healthy boundaries. Yes, there are some things we can do for ourselves. But we also need to get to the root cause and heal the past trauma also.

We seek to people please.

This is one type of behaviour we probably learnt early on in life. People think it is normal to take care of their partner’s feelings, needs and wants and to put themselves last.

We might feel that when we do this we are being compassionate and caring. But nothing could be further from the truth. We are simply not being honest nor are we respectful towards our partner, and ourselves, when we do this.

In fact, people pleasing behaviour is a form of control. It will probably be evident in all your relationships with family, friends and work colleagues also. Overtime it will cause tensions and distance in the relationship. Plus allow resentments to build for both of you. It prevents the relationship, and both of you, from growing and evolving naturally.

People pleasing is a toxic behaviour that requires you to find the root cause. To learn new healthy ways to cope with your own and others feelings, needs and wants. You will need to learn to set healthy boundaries with yourself and your relationship.

Perfectionism.

Perfectionism is and of itself impossible to maintain especially in relationships. Trying to live up to some ideal in your head will quite simply never translate into the real world.

Unfortunately we are surround by people posting these supposedly “perfect” images of their perfect lives, including their relationships. These help us to fall very easily in to the trap of perfectionism ourselves.

Perfectionism will add an unhealthy amount of stress in to your relationship. We will feel threatened too emotionally. This will lead us to jump into the whole flight, fright or fight response. It will be followed by building resentments. The perfectionist will probably stuff down emotions, etc., until they explode, or their partner does.

When we feel we can never do a good enough job, or that we are told we are not good enough, we can all too easily say we’ve had enough too. We may decide to end the relationship and move on. This impacts future relationships also. As we will be a lot more caution and weary about entering in to any other relationship again.

We need to be more accepting of ourselves and our partners. This doesn’t mean we accept bad behaviour. But we recognise that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. We can then develop a deeper compassion, and connection, with ourselves, our partner and in the relationship as a whole.

Perfectionism is again something we learnt along the way. It doesn’t simply develop overnight. It can be hard to shake. So we need to get to the root cause of why we don’t feel good enough. A therapist will help with this. But there are many things you can do to self-help on this.

We are playing the blame game.

It can be too easy to get caught up in this game. We have to learn that we all make mistakes. If we enter in to our arguments with the idea that we have to be right or to win at all costs, then we are on a slippery slope towards separation.

We need to remember that we are after all only human. We don’t want to feel we are to blame for what has happened. But some people still revert back to their childhood. There may have been a lot of punishment for doing something wrong. So this thinking kicks in again as adults. They see the mistake as a reflection of who they are, of their value, as a human being. The mistake has tarnished them personally in some way. This was a learnt response/defence mechanism to an aggressive parent or previous partner.

This is no longer the case, you are an adult now. It is okay to not become defensive and listen to what is really being said here. You’re relationship will not fall apart if you simply have one argument. It can be good air out our grievances at times but using healthy communication is better.

When we use healthy, effective communication in our relationship we stand a better chance of hearing what is being said. Our partner will be more inclined to open up to us. We can find solutions more quickly together as a couple.

If you had a neglectful or abusive childhood you are more likely to enter into this type of behaviour. You will need help to sort through the past from a therapist. But you can also learn to self-accept. Becoming more aware of your defence mechanisms will help you change them.

We don’t like to feel vulnerable.

Being open and vulnerable to another is quite a scary thing to do. We need a certain level of self-acceptance also to be able to do this. We also need to be willing to not get everything we want every time we ask.

This type of opening up in your relationship will take time, trust and patience on both your parts. We certainly won’t do this on any of the first few dates or even in the first few months. We probably will take our time before we open up about our past. Before we show our real self we need to build trust between our partner and ourselves first.

If we find that we are unable to be ourselves, or to open up to our partner, then we might need help. It could be a red flag also that something isn’t right in the relationship. Again we may have learnt this in childhood or from a past relationship. We could have had our trust broken and that can be hard to get back, but not impossible.

Being able to disclose to a partner takes time and trust. It is one of the main ingredients of intimacy and closeness in any relationship. As I’ve said it takes time and patience so please give them to yourself and your partner.

There are a number of things you can do to self-help here. But if this is a significant problem for you and your relationship then I strongly suggest getting some therapy. It is amazing how quickly this can be resolved when we receive help.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.