What Is Trust?

Trust is a fundamental part of society and the relationships we have. All the relationships we have, whether those are in business, with family, friends or a partner. We can have degrees of trust in these different relationships. Depending on how well we know someone and what kind of relationship it is.

When trust is gone though it can be extremely hard to get back into that relationship. Sometimes trust goes for a very good reason and should never be put in placed again.

Our own ability to trust can be impacted by our life experiences. These can have implications for all our relationships and how we handle the resolution of trust in those relationships.

Exploring Our Own Trust

Although most people won’t want to hear this, we do need to examine our own issues and our part in the relationship when it comes to resolving the trust issues in that relationship. That can be hard, as we feel why should we take on the blame? But blame is not the object here. Investigating ourselves can only lead us to fully understand why and what happened in the first place.

Knowledge of ourselves, our triggers, and being able to recognise a healthy relationship, will only protect us and help us to resolve trust issues in the long run.

Know Yourself And Your Triggers

No one considers why we react the way we do until something bad happens. How often do people bring their background (life experiences) with them into each and every relationship whether they mean to or not? A lot is the simple answer.

Whether you received your trust issues early in life from your family of origin, or from a later personal or work experience, it all comes into your current relationships now. So what if you grew up in a chaotic household where there was a lot of violence and lack of personal boundaries? Or what if your partner left you for someone else or was violent? Or what if your first manger was abusive towards you and your colleagues?

These types of situations would most definitely generate trust issues for you. Consciously or subconsciously, somewhere along the way, there is going to be some expectation in the back of your mind that it’s all going to happen again until you resolve the matter.

Triggers And Low Self-Esteem.

Getting to know and reflect on your past is vital to discovering your personal triggers. Everyone has triggers. These can be small or big depending on your past experiences. Knowing these can help you understand why you are having an adverse reaction to certain situations and people. We all have people we dislike on sight, but why is that?

The most important point here is that all that information can help you get to the bottom of your and possible understanding the other peoples, trust issues.

When we don’t trust anyone it can also be reflected in our own low self-esteem. And when this arises we can end up picking only people that hurt us and disappoint us. We automatically set ourselves up to lose trust in others. In fact, trusting the wrong type of person can become an automatic habit for us. But like all habits we can break this cycle and learn to trust again.

Remember at the end of the day it’s more important that we trust ourselves. How we will react to the situation, or person, than completely trusting the other person.

Signs a person may be excessively mistrustful include:

1. Lack of intimacy or friendships
2. Mistrust that interferes with a relationship
3. Dramatic and stormy relationships
4. Suspicion or anxiety about friends and family
5. Terror during physical intimacy
6. Belief that others are deceptive or malevolent without evidence

If you think you have excessive mistrust then I would strongly recommend you seek professional assistance. These issues can be overcome with the aid of a therapist. 

What Is The Source Of The Trust Issue?

 Most of the time we don’t know we have a trust issue until something dramatic happens in our life. When it does we may be forced to start questioning every aspect of our lives.

But for most people they very quickly revert back to what they were doing before it all began. We can then face the same issue over and over again without really resolving it. It becomes an unresolved subconscious issue that follows us throughout our lives.

We may wonder why we are attracted to the same type of person every time and every time they let us down. We never think that if we take time now to resolve this, even just for ourselves, we can finally let it go and move on more fully with our lives.

Questions To Ask Yourself

But before we can resolve any issue we need to find the true source (root cause) of the issue. Some possible questions you can use to explore this:

1. Is the trust issue really yours?
2. Does the trust issue belong to another person? Knowing yourself will allow you to spot issues in others.
3. Is this about past trust issues?
4. Or are they the trust issues of this relationship?
5. Is this an imagined wrong? On your part or on the part of others?
6. Does this really come down to a miscommunication issue?
7. Is the trust issue the other person’s because you are abusing the other person’s trust? Be honest, at least with yourself.
8. Are you holding back part of yourself because you can’t seem to trust anyone?
9. Are you afraid to show your true self in case you lose someone you love, admire or work with?

So How Do You Build Trust In Yourself And In A Relationship?

First things first, building trust in yourself:

1. Know yourself. What you think about yourself can be at the heart of your ability in building trust with others. Above all you have to love yourself first before you can love another in a healthy manner.
2. Have healthy boundaries, including deleting negative thinking and negative people where necessary.
3. Trust your gut and your ability to make the right choices for you. This can be hard at first because we tend to ignore those initial or nagging feelings. But with practice we can get better at this. 
4. Work on your self-esteem if you need to and start to belief in yourself.
5. Know that being with someone doesn’t define who you are. You are good enough just as you are and can survive on your own. Again this can be hard as it can be a deep rooted belief that we are not good enough. Changing your deep root beliefs can be hard on your own so reach out to a therapist if you need to. 
6. Start to celebrate all your accomplishments, if you don’t already. This is vital in buildling your self-confidence but also changing your thinking and beliefs about yourself. 
7. Resolve any trust issues from the past. Forgive yourself and let the other person go. Again easier said than done depending on the circumstances. So you might need some help from your therapist with this. 
8. Use your judgement as to what you will and won’t share with new people. Do the same with others already in your life, this isn’t just for work but for family too.
9. Delete negative people from your life or at the very least minimise contact with those you can’t.
10. Know that you can still protect yourself but still be with someone whole-heartedly (intimate relationship)

Now let’s move on to resolving the broken trust in the relationship.

 How to Resolve Trust Issues in Any Relationship

1. Be honest with each other and talk things through. Pin point the core issue (see questions above). Are there any underlying issues for either of you here? This last part will be easier to do with family, friends and your partner than work colleagues. Don’t try and resolve anything while one of you is angry.
2. Stay Present with the other person while you try and resolve the issue.
3. Try and let go of your fear of the past. This situation may be similar but the person is different. If your triggers are keeping you trapped in the past please seek professional help. Ask for time if you are being triggered or find you or the other person is getting angry.
4. Listen to each other. Allow the other person to speak and be open to what is being said. Use your “I” statements. (see my blog on improving communications here). Try to be as non-blaming as you can be. Explain how you feel and ask if you can work together to resolve the issue.
5. Forgive yourself and resolve to put the past behind you. You both need to agree to do this and you may need professional help with this depending on the situation. Some situations are not reconcilable from. I use reconciliation to describe situations where you can forgive the other person and they have asked for forgiveness. You can always forgive someone and let them go. But never forget what they did, nor allow them into your life again.
6. Set your healthy boundaries: Focus on what you want now. Make a plan of action you can both agree on to help you both move on from here. This might involve not seeing each other so you can cool off, spend time reflecting on what has happened and then come together to discuss the matter again. No matter what is decided you need to make sure it is what you want. If you know the situation is not healthy for you then you need to walk away.
7. Trust takes time, so baby steps. Start out small and work at building trust in small ways with this person.
8. Repeat, repeat and repeat. This is for you. It can take time and patience to get it right when you are building trust. So practice your new skills with others in your life not just the person who has highlighted the trust issue.
9. Seek professional help if needed. But if the issue continues you may need to walk away from the person.

Please note:

At any stage if you are subjected to any form of abuse or domestic violence, while also bearing your personal safety in mind, walk away and get professional help.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.