Being a carer is a whole lot more than just looking after a family member. It’s a completely selfless act that comes from love and is done so willing by the person.

But it also becomes an identity as many put their whole lives on hold. They also put their own mental and physical health to one side.  So what happens when the loved one dies and you have to start again?

Some Suggestions For What To Do Next.

The Grieving Process.

Know the grieving process takes time and you should allow yourself at least 6 months for your immediate emotions to settle down. Grieving has its own agenda so don’t rush or try to rush this. Never listen to people who tell you-you should be over it by now. You don’t and for some, the process takes longer than for others.

If you’re worried after 6 months that you are not improving and are in fact getting worse than it’s time to think about some therapy. Many of the charities offer free therapy to carers and family members not just the person concerned with the illness or disability. Cancer charities, in particular, are great at offering services to family members including counselling and courses for free. Try to avail of these when you’re ready.

Grief as a process will leave you feeling very down. Don’t be surprised if you feel disbelief even if you knew your loved one was dying. The whole process can feel like a bit of a rollercoaster particularly for the first 6 months. Emotions will run high and for that reason I’ve added in a section below on not making any big decisions.

The Stages Of Grief.

The five stages of grief (for help dealing with grief in children), denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance won’t just happen in a linear process. Sometimes you can feel a whole range of these emotions in one day.

We can also feel a huge sense of relief now that our loved one has passed away. Then this is followed by guilt at thinking this. This is normal and there is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You wanted your loved one to have some peace and be pain-free for so long and now that it has happened it does bring us a sense of relief on their behalf. Your human, so forgive yourself, you only ever had their best interests at heart.

My message to you is to take your time. Rest when you need to and recoup over the 6 months you can start to look after yourself again.

Losing Your Role Can Be Hard.

When our loved one dies we lose our role and part of our identity too. We can find that we have coped under huge amounts of stress and pressure only to collapse now once everything is all over.

We may now feel the stress for the first time mental and physically. It is best for you now to consider getting your health in order (see below). Reducing your stress levels and see a therapist if you feel you need to, as I’ve mentioned above.

You may have also been exhibiting some co-dependency tendencies and letting these go now would be better for your future. Talking will allow all those pressures to come up and out while allowing you to live your life.

Getting Yourself Into Mental And Physical Shape.

Now is the time to start looking after yourself. You have probably let this go and forgotten all about your own physical needs while you looked after your loved one.

Start by visiting your GP and deal with any outstanding health issues first. Plus a visit to the dentist may also be needed.  Building a new self-care routine and creating some good habits are a must.  These will give you a good strong foundation for your mental and physical health going into the future.

Don’t Make Big Decisions Too Quickly.

Never make decisions in the first 6 months after your loved one has passed. As I said above you will not be able to make big decisions with a clear head as you will be going through the grief process. Any decisions now may lead to some big regrets later on.

Never sell or move home unless this has been planned beforehand. Allow yourself to deal with all the financial and legal stuff before you do make a big decision regarding your home.

Get help with finances from MABS Ireland and legal advice (Free legal aid from Flac or Legal Aid Board  in Ireland) if you need to first. 

Get Your Finances Sorted.

It will take time to sort through all your finances. You may have lost some or part of your income as well.

Make sure to claim all entitlements and get financial help if you require it (check with citizens advice In Ireland and the UK if you need to).

You may also be responsible for your loved one’s estate and have had a power of attorney. This may take time to sort and you need that time to make sure you have all the financial support you need in place.

Reaching Out To Others.

You are probably not going to want to do this at first but it is indeed one of the best things you can do for yourself. We are social creatures and although social media is great we still need face to face contact.

Join clubs and associations locally will help combat loneliness and isolation. These also help with your sense of not knowing what to do with your time now you are no longer looking after someone else.

Making Contact With Old Friends.

Again this is all about making contact with real people and combating loneliness. Reaching out to old friends and family is very helpful at this time.

They will also help you to adjust to being single again and introduce you to new hobbies, interests and friends. Even start by inviting them for a cup of coffee once a week or a lunch date is a good place to start.

Taking Up New Hobbies And Interests. Or Renew Old Ones.

We need to find a way to replace the time we spent looking after our loved one. I know this can be hard to hear if you haven’t been through the grieving process fully yet. But it will help rebuild a new sense of identity.

So taking up courses, interests, hobbies and learning new technology will help. You may even find friends and a job if you wish out of these interests.

Take Up A Job Or Think About Volunteering.

Don’t rush into this though. But it is worth considering going back to full or part-time employment or even volunteering. This may help your financial position. Or you may find you get a new sense of identity, meet new friends and build your self-confidence again.

Try Something New At Least Once A Month.

This doesn’t have to be expensive and creating some kind of bucket list can be good for us on so many levels. Now is your time and facing new challenges can help build our self-esteem and confidence in our ability to cope and manage alone also.

If You Are Still Caring For Someone.

Please take help when offered. Never let your own health go or put off any medical tests that need to be carried out.

Learn to use technology to help combat isolation and loneliness. Plus reach out to positive family and friends and invite them in for coffee at the very least.

See your GP if you have any worries about your mental health too. Many charities such as Help the Aged and the Alzheimer’s Society offer befriending services, plus counselling and mindfulness courses for free, do give these a go.

There are many other charities than just the ones I have linked to here so check them out or ask a friend to help you do it.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.