If you want to reduce your to do list then you need to learn the skill of saying no to people and tasks. Start by saying no to any more commitments until you establish what you want to commit to in the future.

Remember the saying, if you want something done ask a busy person? Well that’s probably you right now. You have probably become the go to person for everyone else and their problems. But you are doing you and them a disservice as you are stressed and tired by the endless to do lists. It’s time to learn to say no!

Question Your Thinking First!

If you can’t say no please explain to me why not? What are you getting out of it? You need to be honest with yourself at the very least here. Yes you may feel guilty if you say no but it isn’t about the guilt. Who told you that it was not okay to say no? Why do you have to be the good person all the time that helps everyone else at your own expense? Think this through if you want to make permanent changes.

Common reasons we say don’t say no.

• Some of us have a fear of conflict.
• Fear of disappoint others.
• A need to fit in and be liked by peers.
• Feel others are more important than we are.
• Thinking it’s our job to make others happy.
• We are unable to express our thoughts and feelings appropriately.

Stop the guilt now.

Time to stop the guilt, I know that’s easier said than done but you need to, and just say no. You have nothing to feel guilty about in the first place. It isn’t your job to make everyone else happy around you. It is okay to say no. Saying yes and people pleasing got you into this mess. Stop it now before you become burnout. The people you are probably saying yes to will find someone else very quickly to replace you. So please let the guilt go and have some compassion for yourself instead.

Reclaim Your Own Life.

You may have already admitted you are stressed. You’re feeling tired and overwhelmed by what’s on your to do list. First things first please stop adding to your to do list from today.

Give yourself some compassion and patience.

We need to give ourselves time to learn this new skill of saying no. Remember too you are setting a boundary. For some of you this can be for the first time also, with some very difficult people. That also calls on us to have patience with ourselves and with them. They are not use to you saying no. You will relapse, but with time, patience and practice you will get better at this.

Please be aware!

You might find yourself saying no everyone and everything at the start. The pendulum swings to the full opposite of what you have been saying and doing. Sometimes we need to do just that so we don’t give mixed messages to people, particularly with family. That’s a normal response. In time you will find the right balance for you.

You will feel the fear so be mindful of this.

This decision to say no will bring up any fears, doubts or insecurities you may have. I strongly suggest that if you find yourself too stressed, overwhelmed or if you have suffered trauma in the past you get professional support while making these changes. They can be very triggering at times.

You are not a victim here.

You are in charge of your own life and you can say no. Remember, no is a full sentence and a full statement! It requires no explanation. We can get caught out by others when we start to explain our reason for saying no. They can use that time to get us to change our mind, guilt trip us, etc.

Stop, take a breath and if you need to ask for time to think about it.

Remember you don’t have to say anything immediately. So say “Let me think about it”. Meditation is one of the best methods to help us get better at responding in stressful situations. It is a key skill we can use to help us to slow down the mind. It trains us to take a moment, to take a breath, before we respond. We need this skill, especially if we are dealing with difficult people who are very adept at pushing the right button to get what they want.

Say no. Give a clear reason (only if you decide to). And let it go. Now stick to your decision.

Yes letting go and sticking to the decision is the hardest part. It can be hard to say no but think about this: Is it worth the pain of the next 5 minutes, or even a week of being pestered, over a much longer time of many weeks, months or years if you say yes?

There will be people you will have to ignore to make lasting changes. You may lose family, friends or colleagues and neighbours to this decision to say no. It may mean some of these people no longer speak to you, as you are no longer at their beck and call. You are not their “go to person” or doormat any longer.

That’s okay, as the people who do stay are your true allies and supporters. These are people who are healthy and more positive to be around. You need to nurture these relationships more as you push out the negative ones.

Start small and build it up.

It can feel very scary to do this work so start with something small. For example say no to an offer of a cup of coffee with a colleague. Build from there. It can feel better to do this than trying to say no to something bigger or someone closer to you.

Or start with strangers. Say no to something with a stranger and then build up your confidence around saying no. You can then make a list of others you feel you would find it easy to say no to. Practicing with these people gives us the confidence to move onto our more difficult “friends”, family or colleagues.

Remember you don’t owe anyone anything! That can be an empowering statement to learn, so learn it.

Take the time to access any fallout.

Is it worth giving in? If I don’t do this what could the consequences be? There is no perfect answer here; sometimes a yes now can mean we can say no later on. Saying yes to something in work can mean we get a promotion or the right experience for our career, and then we can move on from a toxic environment. But don’t put up with bullying or allow someone else to take the credit for your hard work. Get advice from a mentor if you are unsure.

Remember though to check your thinking here, how realistic is the consequences if you say no to something?

Always know you have the right to change your mind at anytime.

Don’t feel trapped, you can say no and ask for help or support with something if is too big, beyond you or your circumstances change.

Seek advice if you are unsure or if you start to doubt your decisions.

Use backup from someone you trust. We can feel much better about saying “no” to someone if we have the backup of a friend or people that we trust.

You can also ask advice from a trusted friend, is saying yes to something you need to do in this situation? Perhaps something related to work or your career. Talk it through with someone you trust perhaps a mentor. Use your support system.

My Book.

Did you know I talk about basic self-care in my workbook The Building Blocks Of Self-Care? The steps in this workbook will help you lay the foundations to rebuilding your life, feel more in control and help you build healthy routines. You can purchase it on Amazon or here.