We all need boundaries to help keep us safe. They can be psychological, emotional or physical in nature. A set of healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care in all aspects of our lives.
The two main types of boundaries are physical and emotional. Your physical boundaries need to be strong in order to protect you from harm. Emotional and intellectual boundaries are just as important. They protect your sense of self-esteem, and your ability to separate your feelings from the feelings of others.
When you have weak emotional boundaries it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with no protection. You expose yourself to being greatly affected by others feelings and can end up feeling bruised, wounded and battered.
Healthy boundaries also include our beliefs, behaviours, choices, relationships, responsibilities, and our ability to be intimate with others.
Healthy Boundaries Allow Us To:
- Be assertiveby stating opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs in a respectful manner. Have the ability to say yes or no, and are okay when others say no.
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others.
• Empowerus to make healthy choices and take responsibility for oneself.
• Have high self-esteem and self respect.
• We share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• Protect physical and emotional space from invasion or intrusion.
• Take care of our own needs.
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
If you were not taught how to develop your boundaries as a child or had your boundaries cast aside by others it can be hard to figure out what you boundaries are suppose to look like. It can be hard to understand what boundaries you need to set with yourself and others.
What Boundaries Do You Need?
There are several types of boundaries we commonly have in our lives. As I said it can be hard to identify which ones you have developed and which ones you might need help with or reinforce.
One way we can identify where our problem lies in respect to boundaries is to look at the wheel of life. This contains various life areas we can examine in order to see where our problem with boundaries may lie. 
Some questions you might like to explore include:
- Am I constantly take on others’ work, problems, emotions, etc.?
- Am I the go to person for everyone else to ask for advice?
- Do I constantly feel exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, angry, etc., after interacting with others?
- Are you in a relationship with an addict?
- Are you living in fear of someone else?
- Do you feel disrespected?
- Do you feel you need to be perfect all the time or in certain areas of your life?
There are plenty of other questions you can ask yourself.
Common Boundary Types We May Have.
1) Emotional or Psychological Boundaries
Are you feeling you have to take care of others feelings? Do you feel invalidated or criticized? Do you over-share personal information without getting to know the person first? Then you may have an issue with this type of boundary.
We all have the right to our own feelings and thoughts. To feel we can express our thoughts and ideas without being dismissed, invalidated or criticized. We also have the right to differentiate between what we feel and think and others’ feelings and thoughts. These are reinforced by our emotional or psychological boundaries.
We also need to recognize that we own our own feelings and thoughts and as such are also responsible for them. We are not responsible for how others feel or think. That is on them and we should respect this also. It is our boundaries that allow us to hold ourselves accountable for our own emotional and psychological wellbeing.
2) Physical Boundaries
Are you feeling uncomfortable around someone? Do you feel someone is invading your personal space? Do you get enough sleep? Stick to your work hours? Take your lunch break? If you answer yes to these types of questions then you may have physical boundary issues.
Our physical boundaries are there to help protect our body and personal space. These can include our right to privacy, how we define our personal space and what kind of physical touch you find acceptable. It can also include meeting our physical needs such as shelter, sleep and food.
3) Financial And Possession Boundaries
Are you loaning money to people who never pay you back? Are you over spend, live beyond your means? Do you allow family or friends to borrow items without returning them? Do you constantly work overtime without getting paid properly? If you answer yes to these types of questions then you may have problems with financial and possession boundaries.
Our financial and possession boundaries are there to protect our financial and material possessions. It means you have certain rights and entitlements around your money. We don’t have to hand it over to someone to control. You get to choose how you spend it or loan it to. We have the right to be paid for the work we do.
You also have responsibilities with money and possessions. To pay your bills and taxes and stay within your budget. To care for your home, car and other possessions appropriately. Plus having respect for other people’s financial and possession boundaries.
4) Time Boundaries
Are you someone who is always at the beck and call of others, no matter what? Do you find yourself over working a lot? Do you agree to do things for others even though they are capable of doing it themselves? Or do you allow others to waste your time? If you answer yes to questions like these you may have a time boundary issue.
Time is a precious commodity. We all get twenty four hours each day and when it’s gone, it’s gone. How we spend our time is set by our beliefs around our time boundaries. Time boundaries are there to protect how we spend our time.
Yes we do have obligations to work and family. We also have obligations to ourselves also. If you find yourself taking work home, working longer and longer hours you have to ask yourself why? If you find you are allowing others to waste your time or are doing things for others you don’t want to then again you have to ask yourself why?
5) Relationship And Sexual Boundaries
Do you find your partner, family or friends don’t respect you? Is your partner, family or friend lying to you or being dishonest with you? Is your right to consent being ignored when it comes to sex? Do you find you have trouble with intimacy? Do you have communication issues with a partner, family member, friend, manager or co-worker? If you answer yes to these types of questions then relationships, including one with yourself, and sexual boundaries may be a problem for you.
All relationships should be based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. If these are not there then that relationship doesn’t work. Good relationships boundaries will include how we communicate, how issues are resolved, time alone and what we share about ourselves with others. If in an intimate relationship then sexual boundaries come into it also. These protect our rights around intimacy and sexual consent.
Other Boundaries: Red Flag Boundaries
These red flag boundaries, or non-negotiable, boundaries are our deal-breakers. If someone crosses them then we don’t feel safe enough to interact with these people any more. They can also be deal-breakers we have regarding how someone will interact with our child. Or a boundary we simple will not cross ourselves.
These could include issues such as physical violence, domestic abuse, drug abuse, alcohol and driving use, infidelity, disrespect, contempt, treating you like a door mat, etc. You get the idea.
It’s okay to set some deal-breakers with yourself and especially with others. The only thing I would advise though is that, like with other boundaries, once someone crosses the line there has to be consequences. You must be willing to also follow through with those consequences. For it is when we don’t our boundaries tend to become skewed and people don’t take us seriously when we say no the next time.
Other Blog And Videos That Might Help With Setting Boundaries.
What Are Boundaries? How Do I Set Them?
Setting Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship.
Re-establishing Your Boundaries To Manage Your Stress.
Work With Me.
Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.
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