A healthy relationship is one based on both people having healthy boundaries and being able to maintain them in their relationship. It also requires effort by both parties to maintain it.

As time moves on in any relationship we can fall in to the trap of relationship complacency. When this happens of course it can lead to more arguments and problems for the relationship. So avoidance of complacency in the first place should be one aim of any relationship.

Each relationship looks entirely different and each relationship has its own strengths and weaknesses. Both parties should feel confident, positive, loved, wanted and useful. Plus have their opinions valued and respected even if you disagree with one another.

As I’ve said a healthy relationship will be one built on healthy boundaries. But what do the foundations of a healthy relationship include? The foundations will definitely include trust, respect, good communication, compromise and friendship between the two people involved. So let’s take a closer look at these.

What Are The Foundations Of Healthy Relationships?

Having healthy boundaries in your relationship enables you both to find ways to meet each other’s’ needs in a manner that is still comfortable for both of you. It should still allow for growth as individuals and as a couple over time as well.

There needs to be a good level of attraction between you to start with. But as you get to know each other having similar interests, values and beliefs would also be desirable. Especially if you want the relationship to last and deepen beyond the initial attraction phase.

Small psychical gestures of affection (hugs, kissing) should also be present and aids both of you to get more comfortable with one another. The level of such gestures should match, as in you both feel comfortable with the level and speed at which these are initiated.

Appreciating each other and showing gratitude is also important in helping you become more secure with your partner. Simply saying thank you can go a long way to show someone that what they did for you is appreciated. The more we feel appreciated for who we are in a relationship the more the actual satisfaction in the relationship will improve.

What other foundations do we need to build, and maintain, to have a health relationship?

Trust Between Each Of The Parties In The Relationship.

Trust is a fundamental element of any relationship and gives your relationship a solid foundation from which you can build and grow as individuals and as a couple. You certainly shouldn’t need to be with your partner 24/7 to know that you can trust them. But remember this trust is built over time as you get to know the other person.

Trust allows each person in the relationship to be vulnerable. It’s that knowing feeling that they can be relied upon no matter what happens in life. If you don’t build, and continue to build, trust your relationship then it becomes vulnerable to stress and uncertainty.

Some of what I will talk about below also over laps, and interlinks, with having an element of trust between you both.

Honesty And Openness Between You Both.

You need to feel comfortable enough in your relationship to be able to express your opinions and concerns to your partner with honesty and openness. Both of you should be able to be your true self with the other person. Hiding your habits, behaviours or emotions from your partner puts the trust between you, and the relationship, in jeopardy.

Respecting And Supporting Each Other Throughout It All.

A strong element of respect is needed in every relationship. Not only is this about respecting the other person’s beliefs, values, privacy, opinions and time. It is also about making sure you don’t belittle, invalidate or debase them. They should never be treated in such as manner.

When respect starts to erode within the relationship it may be a long road back to rebuilding and repairing the relationship. It may be hard. But it can be done with time, patience and dedication from both of you and with the help and support of a therapist.

We can all become too complacent in our relationship. Taking for granted what the other person brings to the relationship. It is so much easier to cause damage then and a lot harder to undo it.

Always remember the relationship works two ways, it’s not about owing anyone anything if they do something for you. It’s about supporting each other. About making sure that you both feel comfortable with the give and take that is needed in any relationship. And that give and take should be based on respect and support for each other.

Having Patience And Being Willing To Compromise.

No one is patient all the time. We all have bad days where stress, lack of sleep, worry, physical and mental health problems can factor in to our lives. We are after all above everything else just human. But in a loving relationship you learn that compromise and patience are two important factors you need to nurture. You learn to respect each other’s wishes and feelings and to compromise and negotiate when there are disagreements or conflicts.

A degree of flexibility and support when one person in the relationship is having a bad day is vital. Being chronically impatient and unable to compromise doesn’t spell well for any relationship. Being willing to have patience and compromise, within reason, can allow for unconditional love to develop between the two of you. You should never feel like you have to walk on eggshells with another person.

Communication And Healthy Conflict Resolution

All relationships have their ups and downs. We may not have learnt how to communicate in a healthy manner as children or deal with conflict appropriately. We may have learnt to stay quiet for the sake of peace. Or that our opinions, feelings, needs, etc., were not as valid as other’s opinions, etc.

But we can learn good communication and healthy conflict resolution skills at any time as adults. But again we have to be willing and make the effort to do so. So if you know these are problems for you reach out to a therapist for support and help.

Someone in a healthy relationship feels comfortable asking for help, support. They know it is okay to ask questions when they need to. But they also know that at times communications is about listening more than speaking. Both people need to know that when they speak they will be listened to and heard. Plus they can do so as the relationship feels safe and non-judgmental.

Communication at all times is respectful and honest especially when there is a difficulty. It is certainly not about lashing out at your partner when you feel threatened. Or to use stonewalling, guilt tripping or any form of manipulation to get your way. If you have this tendency you can change it with the correct support and help.

Remember healthy communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. So if you want a healthy relationship it is worth investing in learning how to communicate and resolve conflict in a health manner.

Consent.

Having a discussion about sex is something you should have as a couple as soon as you realize the relationship is getting serious. Preferable before you engage in it, if possible, but one thing should be very clear and that is consent.

You should never feel forced to engage in sex or to participate in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. It should also never be assumed that consent exists continuously once it is given the first time. Remember it can be taken back at any time in the future.

So checking in on a regular basis to make sure both parties are comfortable with what is going on is essential at any stage of your relationship.

The Relationship Should Also Be Based On Having A Good Friendship.

There will be times as you grow older together that your friendship is what will hold you together. Especially during the tough times when being able to support each other will be needed even more.

To help develop that friendship in the beginning having similar interests, values, beliefs, wants and desires would be helpful. These similarities give you something to build from in the early days.

But also remember its okay to have other friendships and interests too. It’s okay to explore interests apart from one another and this should be encouraged in the relationship. If the trust is there, then there should be no problem with this type of interaction with others and exploration of self interests outside the relationship.

Being able to have empathy and compassion for each other will also become part of your relationship and friendship. Are you willing to take on this person’s perspective? Be empathic towards their pain and understanding of what they are dealing with? Do you want to help them be the best version of who they can be? Or help them feel better when they are sad? Sympathize when they lose out on a promotion or celebrate their wins no matter how small?

Empathy, compassion and friendship are crucial for a loving long-term healthy relationship.

Help Each Other To Express Your Individuality And Personal Growth.

As I’ve said there should be room to have your own friends and interests in the relationship. The relationship should help you feel empowered. You should encourage each other to be not only your true self but also to grow.

A healthy relationship is one where you can both recognize your insecurities and work through them together as a couple. And that might mean acknowledging you need help and support also and reaching out for it if needed.

No relationship stays as it was at the beginning. Just as we have personal growth, as we get older and have more life experience, our relationship grows and changes too with time. If we don’t allow it to evolve as we do, it can become stale. In fact, it is unrealistic to expect either of you or your relationship to stay exactly the same over time.

Our hopes, dreams, goals, and interests are constantly evolving as we get older. This is a good thing. In a healthy relationship both parties recognize this. And give each other the space to grow as they know their relationship will be better as a result.

In a strong healthy relationship there is adequate overlap to keep the connection between the two people strong. But it also allows each person to have aspects of their lives that are theirs alone. And this boundary is respected by both of them.

What A Healthy Relationship Is Not.

As you can see a healthy relationship certainly is not one based on power and control. Where one person tries to exert control and domination over the other person. It doesn’t involve one party living in fear of retribution or retaliation if they try to maintain a healthy boundary with the other person.

Please note: If you are in an abusive relationship trying to enforce healthy boundaries including healthy communication, trust, respect, compromise, etc., may put your safety at risk.

Please stay mindful of your safety at all times and reach out for support and help from Women’s Aid (Ireland and UK) Refuge (UK) or for men Men’s Aid (Ireland) and Men’s Advice Line (UK). All of these organizations help same sex couples as well but you can also contact LGBT (Ireland) or LGBT (UK). They can help you put together a safety plan when you are ready to leave. Remember you are not alone here so please reach out for support.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.