— Mental Health —

What Is Coercive Control In An Intimate Relationship?

10/07/2023

What Is Coercive Control In An Intimate Relationship DBpsychology 1Coercive control is a type of abuse in which there is a consistent pattern of controlling, coercive and threatening behaviour. It is often associated with emotional abuse, but can also cover physical, financial and sexual abuse by a partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or ex.

Coercive control is when a person uses ‘coercion’ or manipulation to control someone. This type of manipulation aims to make someone dependant on the abuser, isolated from others, afraid to leave the relationship or speak out, and to restrict their behaviour and freedom. Coercive control is very common feature in abusive relationships.

Coercive control is often invisible to outsiders, they simply don’t see the abuser hurt or threaten you or they don’t understand that this is a form of abuse and domestic violence. The law is only now beginning to change around this (Domestic Violence Act 2018); in Ireland. It is now a criminal offence for a spouse, civil partner or intimate partner to use coercive control against their spouse or partner.

Coercive control can leave the person being abused feeling like they are constantly walk on egg shells, fearful, confused and trying to please their abuser. If they try to leave the abuser will commonly threaten to hurt themselves or others known to the victim. This sense of fear and confusion can deprive someone of their autonomy, sense of self, health, rights, and quality of life. Coercive control just like all forms of abuse is very damaging to a person’s self worth and self esteem.

Some Signs Of Coercive Control.

Some signs can include:

Isolating you from your support system for example: Having shared phone, social media accounts and monitoring your calls, etc. Moving you away from family and friends. Fabricating lies about others so you don’t trust them such as your family talks about you behind your back, or lies about you to others.

Monitoring your activity throughout the day for example: Using technology to monitor your calls, texts, emails, etc. Using surveillance equipment (CCTV) to monitor your movements or tracking devices. Stalking you as you go throughout your day even when you are out.

Denying you freedom and autonomy for example: Not allowing you to use transport, taking your phone and/or changing your passwords. Not allowing you to go to work or school/college.

Using Gaslighting tactics.

Name-calling, putting you down and frequent criticisms, bullying behaviours.

Limiting your access to money for example: Limiting your access to banking or not allowing you to have a bank account. Keeping you on a strict budget barely covering essentials and hiding money from you.

Turning your kids against you for example weaponizing your children against you by belittling and criticizing your parenting skills in front of them.

Controlling aspects of your health and body for example: monitor and control you eating, sleeping, access to medical treatment.

Making jealous accusations, accusing you of having affairs.

Regulating your sexual relationship for example frequency, refusing to use a condom, etc.

Threatening your children, family or pets.

Questions you can ask yourself about your situation.What Is Coercive Control In An Intimate Relationship DBpsychology 2

If you answer yes to any of the following questions then please reach out for support from the domestic violence agencies below. (These questions are from the Women’s Aid Ireland Website)

  1. Do you feel like you are being isolatedfrom your friends and family?
  2. Does he deprive you of basic everyday needslike food, electricity, heating?
  3. Do you think he is monitoring your online activity, or has installed spyware on your phone, laptop or any other device?
  4. Does he take control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what to wear, when to be home and when you can sleep?
  5. Does he stop you from accessing support services, such as specialist support or medical services?
  6. Is he repeatedly putting you downsuch as telling you that you’re worthless?
  7. Does he enforce rules and activity that humiliate, degrade or dehumanise you?
  8. Does he force youto take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting?
  9. Is he in control of the financesand prevents you from working and having your own money?
  10. Does he threaten to reveal or publish private information about you, like private photos or videos online?

Help Under The Law

If you require help under the law to get a protection order then you will need to show a pattern of abuse. You can use the following to aid you. Please consult the domestic abuse agencies in your country and a legal professional for more information and support around protection orders.

  1. Copies of emails, phone records or text messages
  2. Evidence of abuse over the internet, digital technology and social media platforms
  3. Records of interaction with services such as support services or medical records
  4. Witnesses: for example the family and friends of yours may be able to give evidence about the effect and impact of isolation from them
  5. Bank records to show financial control
  6. Notes of previous threats made to children or other family members
  7. Your diary with dates and incidents and any statements that you have made to the police.

Remember Safety First

Living in an abusive relationships means that you have to put your safety and that of any children first. If you feel you can’t put together a safety plan for yourself and need some help then Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid (for men) can help you (contact details below). Refuges and local domestic violence services can do the same.

Domestic Violence Agencies UK & Ireland

My Book.

Did you know I talk about basic self-care in my workbook The Building Blocks Of Self-Care? The steps in this workbook were the ones I used after I left a DV situation. It helped me lay the foundations to rebuilding a more balanced life. You can purchase it on Amazon or here in my shop.