For most of us the word no is particularly hard to say. There can be a multitude of reasons why that is and I’ll list some of these below.

Many of us say yes to everything, and everyone, it seems to be our default setting. We end up with a constantly growing to do list that never seems to include our own needs. Our guilt goes through the roof when we even think about turning someone’s request down. Even if we manage to say no we then proceed to berate ourselves for being selfish.

Then there are some of us who can find it easier to say to a stranger than family and friends. Or for some others we find that we can say no more easily if we have the backing and support of someone else.

So why do we find saying no so difficult? 

Learning to say no to people’s requests is often learnt in childhood. Most of us learnt to do as we were told particularly with parents, teachers and other authority figures. We obeyed out of a fear of being punished, or a desire to please or be loved by these people. These individuals had a great deal of influence over us and were important to us, in most instances for our very survival. These needs and fears are carried today as adults.

We learnt that it was good to help others; in fact we may have found ourselves being praised as being the “good girl/boy” when we did so. Then we were chastised for saying no or not helping. The message as to when we could say yes or no got confused.

For some they grew up watching parents who were unable to say no to others, who put themselves last every time. They could have seen co-dependency in full swing in their family of origin.

Or for others because of an abusive parent in the home, some were taught that their opinion wouldn’t be even listened to. So saying no wasn’t even an option in these homes. This leads to an inability to say no now as an adult.

What are some other reasons people can’t say no?

Some of us have a fear of conflict.

This may have come from your family of origin where you saw anger as a destructive force. For others it could be that they don’t like others to get angry with them. Some feel if they say no to family members those family members will not love them anymore. This can be particularly true when dealing with your parents or your own children (no matter how old they get).  All of these people have a fear of conflict and will do everything in their power to avoid it.

Fear of disappoint others.

We can have a desire to make others feel better even if that is to our determent. So we say yes to doing things, or going to things, even if we end up being miserable, stressed, feeling negative, overwhelmed or worked. We can end up giving up our needs, desires or dreams, just to keep other from being disappointed.

A need to fit in and be liked by peers.

We all need to feel like we fit in or be accepted by the people we consider our peers. Being accepted by our friends and colleagues gives us a way of establishing and maintaining a sense of identity. Along with our family members these people give us our sense of belonging to a group of people. So standing up and saying no to a peer can threaten our senses of belonging and security.

Feel others are more important than we are.

We can be raised to believe we are not good enough, we don’t deserve. Nothing could be further from the truth; no one is better or more deserving than anyone else. But when we feel like this we put our needs, desires, goals, and dreams last every time. Saying no here might mean we are not liked, loved or we run the risk we might be rejected.

Thinking it’s our job to make others happy.

This again is another one we can so often learn in childhood. But any traumatic experience or relationship of any kind can teach us this. If we have to walk constantly on eggshells then we might think it’s our job to make others happy so we won’t be punished or rejected. You need to remember that it is impossible to make anyone happy. We are all responsible for our own feelings.

We are unable to express our thoughts and feelings appropriately.

If we have learnt that our thoughts and feelings were unsafe to express, particularly as children, then we learnt to stuff these down. We remain silent and again say yes to keep the peace, etc. We may of course use passive aggressive ways too.

All of the above leaves us open to abuse by others.

Their fear of saying no means they usually end up doing everything for others and not a lot, if anything at all, for themselves. As a result we end up suffering burn out, stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental and physical health issues. Then the very people they were helping will simply move on to someone else to have their needs met. The relationships are usually not very healthy ones and based around unhealthy boundaries.

It really doesn’t matter how we get there, the point is we need to be able to say no when we need to. I’ll list some ideas on how you can learn to say no as needed and reduce the guilt in doing so.

So How Can We Learn To Say No?

Saying no can be difficult we seem to think someone else’s opinions and feelings are far more important than our own. So what are some tips we can use to help us regain our healthy boundaries and say no?

We need Time, Patience and Practice.

Yes, we need to give ourselves time to learn this new skill of saying no. Remember too you are setting a boundary, for some this can be for the first time also, with some very difficult people. That also calls on us to have patience with ourselves and with them. They are not use to you saying no. You will relapse, but with time, patience and practice you will get better at this.

You might find yourself saying no everyone and everything at the start. The pendulum swings to the full opposite of what you have been saying and doing. Sometimes we need to do just that so we don’t give mixed messages to people, particularly with family. That’s a normal response. In time you will find the right balance for you.

Stop, take a breath and if you need to ask for time to think about it.

Remember you don’t have to say anything immediately. So say “Let me think about it”. Meditation is one of the best methods and a key skill we can use to help us to slow down the mind. It trains us to take a moment, to take a breath, before we respond. We need this skill, especially if we are dealing with difficult people who are very adept at pushing the right button to get what they want.

Say no. Give a clear reason (only if you decide to). And let it go. Now stick to your decision.

Yes letting go and sticking to the decision is the hardest part. It can be hard to say no but think about this: Is it worth the pain of the next 5 minutes, or even a week of being pestered, over a much longer time of many weeks, months or years if you say yes?

There will be people you will have to ignore to make lasting changes. You may lose family, friends or colleagues and neighbours to this decision to say no. It may mean some of these people no longer speak to you, as you are no longer at their beck and call. You are not their “go to person” or doormat any longer.

That’s okay, as the people who do stay are your true allies and supporters. These are people who are healthy and more positive to be around. You need to nurture these relationships more as you push out the negative ones.

This decision to say no will bring up any fears, doubts or insecurities you may have. I strongly suggest that if you find yourself too stressed, overwhelmed or if you have suffered trauma in the past you get professional support while making these changes. They can be very triggering at times.

Start small and build it up.

It can feel very scary to do this work so start with something small, for example say no to an offer of a cup of coffee with a colleague. Build from there, it can feel better to do this than trying to say no to something bigger or someone closer to you.

Or start with strangers, say no to something with a stranger and then build up your confidence around saying no. You can then make a list of others you feel you would find it easy to say no to. Practicing with these people gives us the confidence to move onto our more difficult “friends”, family or colleagues.

Remember you don’t owe anyone anything! That can be an empowering statement to learn, so learn it.

You are not a victim here, you are in charge of your own life and you can say no. Remember, no is a full sentence and a full statement! It requires no explanation. We can get caught out by others when we start to explain our reason for saying no. They can use that time to get us to change our mind, guilt trip us, etc.

You cannot control whether someone is happy or not.

That’s up to them. You will never be able to please everyone, so make sure you put yourself on the top of your to do list and make yourself happy.

Seek advice if you are unsure or if you start to doubt your decisions.

Use backup from someone you trust. We can feel much better about saying “no” to someone if we have the backup of a friend or people that we trust.

You can also ask advice from a trusted friend, is saying yes to something you need to do in this situation? Perhaps something related to work or your career. Talk it through with someone you trust perhaps a mentor. Use your support system.

Never be fooled by the phrase “but everyone else is…”

Children are very good at using this one. No they won’t be! This is a phrase commonly used to get us to do something. Recognize this for what it is a manipulation.

You will begin to see the common phrases your children, partner, close family members, “friends” and even colleagues will use to manipulate you. Notice I put friends into inverted commas; the same can be done with family and colleagues. Anyone who uses manipulation to get you to do something probably doesn’t have healthy boundaries (I’m talking adults here) and are not looking after your best interests.

Write the common guilt trap phrases down as you recognize them. You can counter them as you grow stronger in saying no. Or you can simply repeat your no and stick to it. You owe nobody an explanation for why you are saying no. It is after all a full sentence and a full statement!

Yes you will feel guilty, anxious, disappointed, etc.

So give yourself time to deal with all your emotions. With time and practice it will ease. These are your feelings so ask yourself: Can I tolerate this emotion now, or is it worth doing what I’m being asked, so that I don’t have to feel this emotion?

Take the time to access any fallout.

Is it worth giving in? If I don’t do this what could the consequences be? There is no perfect answer here; sometimes a yes now can mean we can say no later on. Saying yes to something in work can mean we get a promotion or the right experience for our career, and then we can move on from a toxic environment. But don’t put up with bullying or allow someone else to take the credit for your hard work. Get advice from a mentor if you are unsure.

Remember though to check your thinking here, how realistic is the consequences if you say no to something?

Always know you have the right to change your mind at anytime.

Don’t feel trapped, you can say no and ask for help or support with something if is too big, beyond you or your circumstances change.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.

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