December and if you celebrate it Christmas day can be hard for many of us. Work gatherings and family get togethers can be sometimes fraught with difficulties. Negative people we may have avoided all year seem now to be unavoidable.

Toxic people can be the hardest to set boundaries with and deal with even if they are not family. For some they don’t realize how hard their negativity is to be around. But others are even more toxic and have little regard for others. So how can you deal with them?

A Word About Forgiveness First.

This time of year we are told is the time of forgiveness & letting go. I know that is easier said than done. Forgiveness is a one-way street. You forgive the person but you don’t necessarily reconcile with them. That would mean they would have to seek your forgiveness & change their ways. Not always possible or feasible. Forgiveness is about you & your mental health. It isn’t about the other person at all.

Even if you can forgive the other person you may still have to deal with their toxicity. Every family has at least one member that feels negative or toxic to be around. The holidays are one time of year when we feel we have to see them. But first off remember you don’t have to see someone you do not wish to. This is a first step in taking back your control, power and choice.

When you feel you have no choice but to meet this person how can you handle the situation to your advantage?

Dealing With Negative People During The Holidays.

1 Make Sure You Know What You Want To Happen.

We cannot plan for every event but we can plan for most of them. The first step is for you to the agenda you want to play out. What you are prepared to do, put up with and what you are not. In other words you are stating very clearly your boundaries around the holidays.

So what events or family gathers will you attend? How long will you attend for? Who will you engage with when you are there? Who will you not engage with or who will you minimize your time around? What topics will you discuss? What topics are off the table for you?

Once you know the answers to these questions you are beginning to set boundaries and can make plans to handle the situation to your advantage.

2 Make Sure You Look After Yourself First.

The holidays can be so stressful so make sure you are taking care of yourself and managing your stress. Make sure you look after your basic needs and don’t make the mistake of letting these go.

Using the acronym HALT can help here. That means you stop what you are doing and take care of your basic needs. So if you find yourself Hungry, eat something. If you are Anxious or Angry, move away from others and calm down. Lonely, make contact with others. Tired, ask for help or simply sit down and take a break.

I’ll give you more tips next week on looking after yourself in the run up to Christmas.

3 Add In Some Acceptance.

If you have decided to interact with a toxic family member then we have to remember that we cannot change them. That can be hard to accept for many of us. But once we do things tend to get easier to deal with.

Other family members may have their own perceptions about how things happened or are unfolding now. These may not, especially if you find the person negative, be in line with your memories and current reality of things. It is much harder to see things from the perspective of a toxic family member than ones we get along with. But we can still try. No that doesn’t mean we have to put up with their bad behaviour. We can still set our boundaries with them and put our plan in place.

 4 Have Your Deflections Ready.

As I said above once you know what you want you can put in place some plans. One of these could be to use deflection if you get stuck talking to the person you are trying to avoid.

People will love to talk about their favourite topics. Get them started and you’ll deflect them from whatever it was they were originally talking about or trying to interfere with. Or ask them to help you e.g. set the table, help with the children, make a part of the meal, prep vegetables, etc.

Have a list of ideas you can use before the family gathering. You know your family or colleague and you know how to deflect them best. Simply be prepared.

5 Remember Never Take The Bait.

Family, in particular siblings, seem to know how to push the right buttons. Don’t take the bait. I know it’s hard. But if you stop dancing with the other guy he has no partner to dance with.

Help yourself to stay out of the drama by not drinking while around toxic people. Using deflection and other people as buffers may help. But you also have the option if this doesn’t work to simply get up and leave them talking to themselves.

Having a set time limit for how long you will remain at any event is always a good thing. If it’s a family event then taking the children for a walk may give you enough time to allow things to calm down. If this doesn’t work then have a signal with your other half that means it’s time to leave.

Try to use other means to anchor yourself emotionally while the drama unfolds if you can’t leave. Move away from others and use the 3 minute breather can help – pop off the toilet and re-centre yourself with this technique. Even the old counting to 10 a few times also helps.

If you cannot leave you can focus your attention elsewhere. This can include things such as helping out the person hosting, slipping off to the bathroom, or playing with the children, etc. Again having a plan in place will help so make sure you have some ideas you can use.

6 Try To Avoid Alcohol When Around Toxic People.

Don’t drink too much it only adds fuel to the fire. When people are drunk they tend to say or do things they later regret. Don’t be one of them. Family arguments can be particularly emotional and confrontation. Even more so when alcohol is added to the mix. Remember it is only for a short period of time and you can relax when you get home.

It is important to do some kind of purge to help with the residual impact of the visit. So don’t forget to let your emotions out afterwards. Journaling or talking to a positive friend about what happened will work. Or completing some gym work or punching a pillow does help to release any residual anger you may still be feeling.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.