It can be very confusing when we are told we have to forgive others. Then let them go in order to move forward with our lives in a positive way. Our natural instinct is to want to get our own back. Or at the very least see the other person punished for their wrong doing. That doesn’t always happen in reality no matter how much we wish for it!

This kind of reaction is only natural and justified at times as some things are unforgiveable. Yes they are unforgiveable and because of that we find ourselves still trapped by them. The reactions we have do hold and trap us to the past. We give the past power that can be otherwise better spent on healing ourselves.

I will never ask anyone to forgive someone. That has to be a personal choice. But what we fail to realize is that we can work on forgiveness and find peace with the past. Plus it may not be about speaking with, or confronting, the other person. But when we do forgive, it will always benefit us.

Start With Self-Forgiveness.

Let me say from the start that I believe self-forgiveness is at the heart of your serenity and moving on with our lives. We sometimes forget that we do have to forgive ourselves too.

It is usually our lack of self-forgiveness that holds us to the past, to our guilt and shame. Added to that, the fear we may still have of the other person, even if they are long gone, will also keep us trapped. We need to deal with all of these issues as part of forgiveness and let them go, along with the past. That is a lot of hard courageous work and may require professional support, so please reach out if you need to.

I would suggest you work on self-forgiveness first before moving on to other people. In this way you can also learn to put in place some boundaries. You can find more information on this in my blog Self-Forgiveness: How to do it?

Forgiveness V’s Reconciliation, A Little Reminder.

Let’s start by understanding that people often get confused between forgives and reconciliation. It is the one reason I believe why we get so hung up when it comes to forgiveness of others. But if we can separate the two, then we find we are able to tackle forgiveness much more readily.

Firstly, forgiveness is not reconciliation, as this would require at least two people to be involved. And it would require a sincere apology from the other person. Not always possible or they may not be capable of doing this.

Secondly, forgiveness only requires you and you alone. It requires you to forgive yourself first, and foremost. Only then, if we chose, can we move on to reconciliation or only forgiveness and move on.

It should be noted that when we do forgive ourselves that is often enough to enable us to let go of the past and move on. Letting go doesn’t mean we have to forget by the way, it just means we have found our peace with the past.

So forgiveness is not excusing the other person. Nor does it mean you have to tell the person they are forgiven. You can forgive them and let them go without ever seeing them in person. You do not need to keep in contact, or re-establish contact, with the person.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that it’s a onetime event or you have to forget what has happened. You may be triggered again in the future by something else or if you find out that person has died. You can revisit your past hurt then. Forgiveness means you have made peace with the past for now and it is no longer holding you back.

But please remember forgiveness of yourself, and someone else, is always about you, never the other person.

There Are Real Benefits To Forgiveness For You.

There is a downside to not letting go of the past for your mental and physical health. As well as many benefits if you can let go of the past. The bitterness, grudges, anger, fear, toxic shame and guilt we let go of when we work on forgiveness can mean a vast improvement in our physical and mental health.

These improvements can be seen in a variety of ways including lower stress and anxiety levels. Plus lower blood pressure and risks of stroke or heart disease and a stronger immune system. We also cut our risks of getting depression or other mental health conditions.

Our self-confidence improves as does our ability to trust and love our self and others. It also has a knock on affect on our relationships. If we are dwelling on hurtful pasts we can’t really fully engage in healthy relationships. Our thinking patterns are distorted and influenced by the past. These can crowd out any positive thoughts, feelings and experiences we might otherwise enjoy.

We all know that if we get caught up in the past in our heads and that is negative, then it will seep into every other experience we have going forward in our lives. Our life seems overshadowed by it and we can’t pursue our goals. We seem to be always losing out. So don’t you owe it to yourself to move forward with a richer life and let go of the past finally?

Always Remember To Start Small And Build From There.

Taking too big a step in the first instance may not be as helpful as you think. Forgiveness work will always be very triggering for us. If it is too triggering for you then I would recommend you seek help.

Starting with small steps is always the better way to go. Plus starting with ourselves first is best and as I’ve already outlined this I’m moving it forward in this blog. We don’t want to create, or change, anything too fast as we can frighten ourselves into quitting too soon.  Plus we need to create a more supportive, nurturing, and loving environment for ourselves in order to grow into forgiveness and again I’ve outlined how to do that already. (Here)

Steps To Forgiving Someone Else.

Take your time here and write down everyone that has hurt you in your life. Even in a small way but you know you haven’t, or can’t, let it go. I’m talking about the ones you haven’t forgiven yet. Or the events you keep going from the past in your head. Who was involved? What did they do or not do?

So if you find yourself holding onto your anger, shame, fear, guilt, or you know you haven’t grieved out the event or situation, then I’d say you have people you haven’t forgiven yet in your life.

Remember too that our own negative thinking, alongside these very strong emotions, can keep us trapped in a negative cycle related to the past. Working on our automatic negative thinking patterns and self-forgiveness will help us to let this trap go.

1. Write down that list of everyone that has hurt you in the past. You know all those people you still relive the conversations with in your head. This as I’ve said already can include you.
2. Write down what they did that is holding you trapped and you can’t let go of. If this involves abusive behaviour, of any kind, please seek professional support!
3. Now re-read your list. Is there anyone, thing or event on that list you can forgive immediately? Do those first. This list gives you a clue as to why these people, events, and your own thoughts, still hold sway over you, even in the slightest manner. Use that information to work on letting go of the past and most importantly forgive you first.
4. Now you need to ask yourself some questions about each person left on the list:

• What do I want and need exactly from this person?
• Is it an apology?
• If so, how long are you prepared to put your life on hold waiting for something you have no control over?
• Do you need them to know how you feel, even after all this time?

Remember whether they do, or can, apologize is something outside of your control.

One Type Of Letting Go Exercise. 

5. One exercise you can now try with each person on the list is to write a letter to this person. Tell them how you feel now, how you felt at the time. What has happened to you as a result of their actions? Really write it all down, get out as much as possible. This letter is not for sending.
6. Now burn the letter and visualize letting that person go. You are not forgiving them, you are releasing them from holding you in the past. This exercise of letter writing and burning may need to be completed a few times in order to feel the benefit.
7. You are allowed to yell, scream, curse, and shout at the other person during your visualization. Please do not do this within ear shot of children. You may also need to use a variety of anger management techniques to let your anger out. Using your journal to get it all out of your head is also really helpful.  As can using vigorous exercise to use up all the excess hormones coursing through your body. Wall pushing and punching a pillow or cushion are also effective.
8. Now write a letter to yourself. Be honest with yourself. Explain how you did the best you could under the circumstances and place the blame back with the real villain here. Be loving and kind towards yourself. How would you treat a friend in the same situation? Remember you are forgiving yourself here not adding to your burden. Remember to tell yourself of all the positives you have gained in your life too. Its good remember that even out of what may seem darkness there can come some light and good. Accepting and acknowledging the good can be very hard for us as well. But we need to do it to release the person, the past and our self.
9. If this person is still in your life please remember to set healthy boundaries with them going into the future.

Some Points To Remember.

Some of the people on your list may be dead. You may not know what has happened to them and they could be long gone from your life. But knowing what you want and need from them is going to be a big clue to giving that to yourself now.

By that I mean, even by acknowledging what was done to us, how we feel about it and telling them what they did in a letter, will allow us to receive some peace in this situation.

Remember too these types of negative people have a very difficult time loving themselves and they aren’t capable of loving someone else too. It doesn’t excuse what they did. But acts as a reminder to not wait too long with your decision to move forward with your life.

If you are finding any of this hard then I would strongly advise you to seek therapy with the specific goal of making peace with the past, forgiving yourself and moving forward with your life. Bring your list to your therapist and work though it with them. Remember you are looking to forgive not necessarily reconcile with any of these people.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.