When we become obsessed with trying to control things around us, someone’s behaviour, or certain situations, it’s like trying to use our body to hold back floodwaters. We do know on a certain level that it is an impossible task. But one which many of us still attempt on a daily basis.

We seem to think its okay to focus our full attention on trying to control the situation or another person’s needs and behaviours. In doing so, we fail to check our own behaviours. We may allow ourselves to become manipulative and passive aggressive in our tactics to control everyone and everything around us.

Our habit may have entered in to the enabling phase where we enable other people’s lies, cover for them or make excuses for their bad behaviour or lack of responsibility. It may also have come to the point where we may even finance someone else to the detriment of our children and our own basic needs.

We need to remember that we can only change our selves and when we enter in to the control game we are missing out on the joy of life itself. This control game also has us missing out on accepting and loving people for who they truly are. We leave behind a healthy relationship because in effect we are disrespecting and mistrusting ourselves and others.

The people pleasing and perfectionism we have taken on leaves us feeling exhausted. We are focusing too much on others and not on ourselves. Therefore we are failing to look after ourselves as well.

What Happens When We Focus On Someone So Intently?

You may think its okay to help someone else. Yes it can be, but only if it’s for the right reasons and it is not costing you, to your detriment – physically, emotionally, financially or mentally.

When we try to control a person, or a situation that is beyond our control, we have a tendency to lose ourselves to that relationship. We have difficulty communicating our needs and can live in denial.

We may end up having a hard time identifying our thoughts and feelings as we have spent so long stuffing these down in order to look after other people and their needs. Our self-esteem will be low, we may be rocked with toxic shame and guilt because we can never achieve the level required to make everyone happy. We can end up feeling numb, depressed, hyper-vigilant and dissociated from the reality of what is really going on.

Our anger may materialise in a passive aggressive manner because we won’t allow ourselves to express this. God forbid anyone should see us fall apart in anyway. We manipulate and control to get what we think is needed to achieve our level of perfectionism and others behaviours.

We have to ask ourselves what is trying to control costing us.

1. How is it affecting my thinking, my feelings, and my behaviour?
2. What is it costing me in time or money?
3. Is it costing me happiness and real connections in my life?

When we try to control everything and everyone around us we end up stressed, anxious, fearful, and tense. At some point something will have to give and our world comes crashing down, we end up burnt out by all the pressure we have placed upon ourselves.

Something else we need to be aware of, that by losing ourselves to our controlling behaviours, we also end up living in fear of getting close to someone. We are caught up in the “I am not good enough” and the “If they only knew the real me” type of fear. We can’t be honest and open with ourselves and others as a result.

When we can finally admit to ourselves that we have been using controlling behaviours we can finally begin the journey to recovery.

How can we learn to let go?

1 We admit what we can’t control.

We cannot control other people’s feelings, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, behaviours, mistakes and words, etc. Responsibility for another adult is not ours to take on, no matter how close we are to them.

We recognise that there will be certain situations that are out of our control. No matter how hard we try to control for every eventuality sometimes what happens is outside of our control.

2 We recognise what we can control.

We admit that the only person we can control and change is ourselves. In realising this we can see that we can only control our words, thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviours, beliefs, mistakes and effort.

When we admit this, we are then in a real position to create lasting and positive change in our lives. We can lighten up the pressure on ourselves and take the necessary steps to accepting true personal responsibility for our lives.

3 We start to look after ourselves.

We learn that it is imperative that we look after our basic self-care needs first in order to be truly present for others. Possibly for the first time in our lives we also start to set healthy boundaries.

4 We nurture positive relationships and let go of the toxic ones.

We build and encourage our positive support system. It is a healthy option to build this support into our lives and to ask for help from the right people. We accept that it is okay to ask for this help as it will support us in our recovery journey.

Respect and trust of ourselves, and others, is rebuilt. Over time we learn to forgive ourselves, and others, plus we gain more compassion, gratitude, positivity and serenity in our lives.

5 We begin to enjoy or life again.

We learn its okay to take opportunities we might have denied ourselves in the past, in our career or our personal life. In doing so we find we can leave room for mistakes, learning and personal growth.

We then realise we can step outside of our comfort zone as a result and become more self-confident. Our experiences appear to be more pleasant, at first we may be surprised at this, but the more we notice them the fuller our life seems to become also.

6 We let go of the endless worry and negative thinking.

We no longer need to hold on to negative thoughts and worries. These old ways of thinking no longer serve us and we recognise the need to let them go.

We can drop the need to worry about what others think of us also and use all that energy to focus on ourselves, our needs, wants, beliefs and values. We gain insight into who we really are and can be, this is something we then actively pursue. All the while trying to build contentment in to our lives as best we can.

7 We realise that we actual get what we wanted all along anyway.

We realise that by giving up control we achieve the same, or even better, results. We can achieve this without having to use controlling or manipulative behaviours. In fact the more we stop these behaviours the healthier our relationships become.

We can let go of all the pushing to make something happen and instead let it go and allow life to just evolve around us. Simply we now surrender the control so we connect with something bigger than ourselves.

8 We recognise that acceptance doesn’t mean we can’t still set a healthy boundary.

We are learning to have more self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and self-compassion and therefore are more accepting of others. We are starting to let go of any toxic shame and guilt we may have.

Even though we have reached a level of acceptance, of ourselves and others, we realise that we can still set and hold our boundaries. If someone crosses our boundaries we can accept the person for who they are but still not accept their bad behaviour.

We become aware that some people might trigger us or try to continue to manipulative or controlling behaviours themselves. Perhaps it is time we begin to recognise that we may have to let these people go. Even if for a short period of time in order to stop our own behaviour.

Above all else we recognise that what we are trying to achieve is hard work and can be scary at times. But we learn and we know we will make mistakes along the way. Even so we are now ready and willing to try again and repeat as often as needed until we succeed in letting go of this behaviour.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.