A co-dependent has been defined as someone who has let another person’s behaviour affect them, and someone who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour.

Why Does Co-dependent Behaviour Arise In The First Place?

Co-dependent behaviour is most commonly seen in dysfunctional families. These can include families affected by alcoholism, gambling, drugs, sex addiction or eating disorders. Other reasons may include where families have been affected by mental health issues such as depression, trauma, anxiety, poor parenting, and child abuse.

Co-dependency doesn’t happen to everyone in these families. In fact you may not have been raised in a dysfunctional family at all but may develop it later in life because of someone else’s addiction or mental health problems. Perhaps it was through your relationships for example a marriage, your child, a friend or work colleague.

Signs And Symptoms Of Co-dependency

There are so many signs and symptoms of codependency and those listed below are only a few. It is important that you recognize the symptoms this will be the first step you can take if you want to change your behaviour.

1. Focusing primarily on another’s needs or behaviours
2. Being overly responsible. People pleaser.
3. Getting into relationships with addicts or people with lots of problems and enabling their behaviour with excuses, lies and covering up for them.
4. Financing an addict’s behaviour at the expense of yourself and/or your children.
5. Difficulty identifying or asking for what you want and need. You may ‘lose’ yourself altogether in the relationship. Loss of identity.
6. Live in complete denial of the behaviour you are exhibiting and the behaviour of the other person.
7. Difficulty in identifying your own feelings – if you can at all-, as you may have taken on everyone else’s feelings, stuffing down yours.
8. Low self-esteem – but you may have a higher self-esteem in other parts of your life such as work.
9. Difficulty communicating directly most especially about yourself.
10. If you are able to feel anger it can be expressed violently towards others. But maybe not towards the addict or the person you are having problems with. You may have very “aggressive” conversations with this person too or use passive aggressive anger.
11. Unexpressed anger may manifest itself in terms of depression.
12. Feeling numb.
13. Perfectionism
14. Dissociation.
15. Hyper-vigilance.
16. Guilt and shame.
17. Fear of change and conflict.
18. Controlling behaviours. Everything in your life has to be controlled including the addict.
19. Fear of intimate relationships.
20. You may be experiencing Domestic Violence (DV). Seek help when it is safe to do so. (Women’s Aid Ireland, Men’s Aid Ireland, Refuge in the UK)

Changing Our Behaviour.

Changing any deep seated patterns of behaviour can be hard but not impossible. For most of us our behaviour is made up of regular habits. We’ll keep these habits going even if they are not good for us. A lot of our co-dependent habits have been learnt early on and can be pretty stuck.

But we are all capable of change and co-dependent habits are no exception. By not trying to change too much too soon we will succeed. For many of us that may be hard as when we decide to change we want it done and dusted. Plus we have two strong habits to contend with – perfectionism and people pleasing. These can keep us stuck.

Change takes time, patience with our self and others, making small changes, practice and self-compassion. It can feel scary to change and say no at first. Our guilt and possible shame make things even harder. But if we keep going and learn new healthier habits then we can succeed in changing our co-dependent behaviour.

Co-dependency can be hard to overcome alone. If you feel you need support then reach out. This can come through a support group and/or therapist.

How To Change Our Codependent Behaviours.

Let’s look at some of the main behaviours that we as co-dependents may have. Be willing to dig deep into your way of thinking and behaving around some of these behaviours if you want lasting change.

Remember any change takes time, patience and practice. Plus a willingness to recognize that this isn’t a onetime thing. A lot of the time our patterns of behaviour are tied into our boundaries.

1 Changing Our Way Of Thinking.

Remember we have to be willing to change our behaviour. We cannot change anyone else’s behaviour but our own.  I know for many co-dependents that is at the heart of their co-dependent behaviour. We think we can control and change others.

So the second step to changing our co-dependency behaviours is to be willing to change. That may be harder than you think because we often feel that we are not the ones who need to change. We think that if only the other person would change all would be right with the world. This is a fallacy in co-dependent thinking.

Thirdly we need to recognize we can’t change another and be willing to admit we can’t change them. This again can be a sticking point for many. We think that we can change someone if only we can find the right thing to say or do. Another common fallacy in co-dependent thinking and one we need to let go of.

Changing our co-dependent behaviours can be as much about changing how we think as much as, if not more so, about changing our actual behaviour.

2 Recognize We Have Skewed Boundaries With Our Self And Others.

There are numerous ways we can see how our skewed boundaries affects our co-dependent boundaries. People pleasing, acting like a martyr, perfectionism, denying our feelings, emotions, needs and wants plus enabling other’s bad behaviours, are some of these.

I’ve spoken in the last couple of weeks about setting healthier boundaries so I’m not going to go into a great deal of detail here. You can check out my blogs and videos on: Types of Boundaries You May Need – I gave lots of questions in this blog you might be interested in exploring. Tips For Setting Boundaries Without Guilt – guilt can be a big issue for co-dependents. That is one button that others are willing to push to get their way. So you might be interested in exploring this blog also.

3 Be Prepared To Turn The Spotlight On Yourself.

When it comes to changing our behaviour we need to be willing to get to know ourselves better. Our people pleasing skills and perfectionism leave us not knowing who we are. Getting to know ourselves and admitting our own behavioural faults are difficult things to do.

But when we turn the focus on ourselves we tend to make the necessary change that much easier on ourselves. Because it is in that way while we focus on ourselves we have less time to “look after others”. We are not letting go of our true responsibilities just the co-dependent ones.

Questions To Ask

So asking your self some questions is another step we can take on our journey to changing our behaviour.

1. Am I constantly taking on others’ work, problems, emotions, etc.? Typical co-dependent behaviour.
2. Am I the “go to” person for everyone else to ask for advice? You may indeed be the one holding everyone else’s hand in the family. Or help them to solve their crisis. But no one seems to be there for you. Again this is very typical for a co-dependent to experience.
3. Do I constantly feel exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, angry, etc., after interacting with others? Or from the never-ending to-do list I have taken on? Pushing your feelings, needs, emotions, etc., is typical. As well as taking on other’s responsibilities.
4. Am I able to delegate? Co-dependents find it hard to ask for help.
5. Am I able to say no to other’s requests? It’s very hard to say no to people and co-dependents very much act the martyr.
6. Am I in a relationship with an addict? Or have I been in the past? Do you recognize, or admit, that they are, or were, addicts? Parent, family, intimate partner, or work colleague. It’s not unusual to find that several people in your life have addictions of various forms. Plus sometimes we get an idea about how addiction works or what an addict should look like in our head. This may help us to lie to ourselves about the people in our lives.
7. Are you living in fear of someone else? Please be safe and reach out for help when it is safe to do so.
8. Do I feel disrespected?
9. Am I being lied to? The people in our lives will probably do both disrespect and lying. Being disrespected and lied to is common. But we also have to ask our self the same questions. Am I lying or being disrespectful to myself or others? Yes we as co-dependents do just that.
10. Do I feel I need to be perfect all the time or in certain areas of my life? The role of perfectionist is high among co-dependents and leads to all sorts of problems with people pleasing, guilt, not delegating, etc.

4 Some Healthier Habits You Could Start With.

When we start to get honest with ourselves we usually notice that some key habits are missing from our lives. It’s not that we don’t want to do them. It’s that we may never have learnt to do them. Or we are not so good at doing them with certain people or situations.

Remember start small, only one small habit change at a time. If you try to do too much at once it will only lead to failure. As a co-dependent you will be tempted to do too much too quickly, don’t! Take your time. It took time to get to where you are now so give yourself time to change also.

These habits will include the following:

Basic Self-Care.

Having a strong basic self-care foundation will help you bring stability to your mental and physical health. Think of this list as your fallback position for bad days and you will have bad days as well as good. As you go forward the good days will outweigh the bad.

If you feel off kilter then I suggest you check the list of basic self-care habits. Usually when we feel off kilter or overwhelmed we have stopped something on this list. I have many blogs and video on basic self-care and you’ll find the list here. This is the list I started with when I was recovering from co-dependency, you’ll find more in my book.

Improving Your Communication Skills.

It is difficult to start asking for what you want. I’d suggest that you start small with a close family member or friend. Or you could try asking for small things or help from a stranger. The more you practice the easier it will become. I know that it will be scary at first but remember to use your “I” statements too. I go into more detail about communication skills in this blog and video.

Part of good communication is knowing that it is okay to stop and check with yourself if you want to do something. Again this will be a new habit we have to get use to doing but it can help with our people pleasing, perfectionism and martyr symptoms. So ask yourself these questions prior to making a commitment. Or ask for time to think and then ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I interested in doing this?
2. Why am I saying yes? Be honest with yourself on these first two questions. What am I getting out of it?
3. Do I have time for this? Remember we all only have 24 hours each day!
4. Can I afford to do this? What do I lose out on by doing this or gain if I do? Again what’s the pay off for me?

When we are honest with ourselves and know what we want to do then we can communicate it in a more honest and clear manner with others. We can then find that saying no gets easier to say if we need to. I have some more tips on saying no in this video and blog.

Learn To Share Your Opinions And Validate Your Emotions.

As co-dependents we are very good at shoving down our emotions. We may not even know which are our ideas, emotions, opinions, and which belong to others. It is important that we start to share our ideas and opinions with others. Plus validate how we feel.

We can practice sharing our ideas and opinions with others we trust or in an area where we feel more comfortable to do so. So perhaps you could disagree with a friend or share an idea with a colleague. You can practice and prepare alone what you are going to share in advance. The more you do it the better you will become and the more confident you will feel.

Taking some time at the end of the day to complete a journal or brain dump can help us to notice the changes we are making. Plus it allows us time to validate how our day went and all our thoughts and emotions. When we notice how we are feeling and thinking we can begin to change them also. Remember you have the right to own your own feelings and thoughts.

Take Time For Your Hobbies.

We often lose our own interest and hobbies in our pursuit of trying to do everything for everyone else. So it’s important that we reclaim some things we like to do before or take up something new.

Even doing one small thing in the week that interests you is a start. But we need to allot time for our hobbies and interests. In this way we can reduce the time we have for our co-dependent behaviours also.

Learn To Trust Your Gut Again.

As co-dependents we usually have lost our ability to trust ourselves. This can stem from the fact that addicts lie and other people will try to manipulate and invalidate our thoughts and feelings. Therefore it is vital that we learn to trust ourselves again and in particular our gut instinct.

Learning to understand your situation and starting to take care of yourself will go a long way to helping you with this process. I’ve listed other ideas here.

Build Your Positive Support System.

We all need four types of positive supports in our support system – emotional, tangible, informational, and social. There are many benefits to having a strong support system in place including reducing stress, anxiety and depression.

These can be provided by positive family, friends, colleagues and professionals. It is vital that you surround yourself with this kind of support when trying to change co-dependent behaviours. Co-dependency can be very isolating and lonely and it is one of the reasons I suggest you join a support group and reach out for professional support.

Depending upon your situation you could also be suffering from PTSD, stress, depression or anxiety. If this is the case please reach out for professional support.

Work With Me.

Remember you are allowed to ask for support. No one is an island. If you need extra support then you can also work with me. We all struggle with stress and overwhelm from time to time. If you find this has become a problem for you and you’d like some support then schedule an appointment with me.